An Honest Choice
by rcruz1234
Summary: Casey Novak and Olivia Benson are blissfully happy in a solid relationship, but when the beautiful Alex Cabot unexpectedly returns to New York to reclaim her old life, that solid foundation crumbles. Olivia must decide will she pursue the fantasy she desired for so long or stay with the woman who has captured her heart?
1. Chapter 1

**An Honest Choice**

Title: An Honest Choice  
Author: Rosie Cruz  
Pairing: Casey/Olivia  
Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction. The characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. I just like to play with them. The story however is purely a creation of my imagination.

2007 © ROBC. The characters of Olivia Benson, Casey Novak, Elliot Stabler, John Munch, Fin, Cragen and Kathy Stabler belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. The story however is mine. All rights reserved. Copies of this may be printed for personal use only. No part of this story may be reproduced or reused for any other purpose without prior written permission.

Author's Note: This was my very first piece of fanfiction written ages ago at a time when I was quite enamored by the possibility of Casey and Olivia. While I'm a huge fan of Alex and Olivia as well, these two always intrigued me a little more. I am not particularly mean to Alex in this, but since it is a Casey/Olivia piece, if you are more of an Alex fan, you might want to stay away.

**_Chapter 1_**

_Thursday Night – New York_

Casey was barely conscious of the newsman. She didn't know if the newscast had finally turned to the weather report or if they still had on their serious faces. Her head was resting on Olivia's lap, Olivia's fingers running gently through her hair. It was creating all sorts of interesting sensations throughout her body; sensations that were causing her brain to conjure some pretty naughty thoughts. She sighed, content to enjoy the closeness despite her lascivious thoughts. She laughed, silently mocking herself for having such thoughts. After all, Olivia was only innocently stroking Casey's head and would probably be surprised at where Casey's over-active imagination was leading her. Casey smiled, not that Olivia would exactly be opposed to such thoughts. Suddenly the pillow, or rather Olivia's legs were moving. Casey lifted her head and sat up a little sluggishly, saddened at the loss of her comfortable spot. Her eyes were slow to open. Her whole being wanted to languish in the haziness of her previous thoughts.

"What's going on?" she said finally opening her eyes to see Olivia squatting in front of her and smiling that lop-sided smile Casey loved.

"What were you just thinking? You had the most wonderful smile on your face."

Casey could not help the blush that stained her face momentarily as she brought her arms to rest on Olivia's shoulders.

"Well, I was thinking that if you continued the lovely petting, you would have to carry me to bed."

"And you think I could do that?" answered Olivia, her hands now on Casey's hips.

Casey brought her long legs up from the small cocoon created by Olivia's knees and expertly wrapped them around Olivia's waist pulling herself closer.

"Casey honey, despite this tough butch exterior, I'm not sure I could carry you into that bedroom." She shrugged. "I'm just not that strong," she said nonchalantly as she maneuvered herself back onto the couch taking Casey with her. She helped Casey readjust herself onto her lap without a hint of irony.

Casey shook her head at the small display of strength. Olivia probably hadn't even realized just how coordinated and strong you have to be to pull off that little move. Casey was not a small woman standing at 5'11 in flats. Olivia was no slouch herself, but it was still impressive. Even more impressive because Olivia had not done it to show how strong she was. She did it because she could and never gave it another thought. Casey felt Olivia's hands working their way up her shirt and switched gears.

"I seem to recall, a time or two, Detective, when you did just that. In fact if I recall correctly, we were in just this position the last time that happened."

Casey's mouth was now just inches from Olivia's.

"Is that so, Counselor?"

Casey just nodded her head up and down and bit her lip. "Uh huh."

"If I remember right, I was also not carrying a _sleepy_ ADA to bed those times."

"You need more incentive Detective?" said Casey her mouth so close to Olivia's that Olivia felt the words more than she heard them.

"Maybe," she managed to get out before Casey's lips swallowed up the teeny tiny distance left between them.

_Maybe there is something to this incentive stuff,_ was the last thought Olivia had before her body surged upwards carrying an attached Casey with her. It was hard to navigate to the bedroom especially with Casey's mouth all over her. _Concentrate Benson and, try to clear the coffee table._ She finally made it to the darkened doorway that led to their bedroom when she heard a strange sound.

"Is that your doorbell? It's like 11 O'clock at night" she heard Casey ask between ragged breaths.

"Yeah, it is" she said, just as confused as Casey.

She let Casey down gently and picked up her gun from the small table that also held her badge and keys as she made her way to the front door.

She yelled out, "Who is it?" while wracking her brain for possible suspects.

_Who the hell could it be at this time of night? Elliot? No, he would have called. Maybe something's wrong._ Picking up her pace, she looked through the peep hole. "What the…?" She pulled back, as if blinded by whatever she saw on the other side of the door. She turned around briefly to check on Casey, still standing near the couch waiting for some signal from Olivia. Olivia turned her eyes back to the door and opened it slowly.

The Federal Marshal's badge that she had seen through the peep hole disappeared and in its place stood a man in an immaculate black suit. He greeted her with a friendly air of familiarity.

"Hello Olivia. I have someone who wants to see you…very much. So much," he smiled "that she dragged my ass on a plane to NY at this ungodly hour."

Olivia was still confused. Casey had now walked up behind her, but unlike Olivia, she knew immediately what his presence meant. Her breath let out an involuntary gasp.

The federal marshal barely took notice of her. He seemed genuinely pleased at the whole situation as he stepped aside to reveal the woman standing behind him.

"Hi Liv"

Casey's stomach dropped. _Oh God, she thought this can't be happening._

"Alex" said Olivia in a tone that said it all.

It was spoken like a gentle caress. Olivia stepped back, shock and surprise clearly evident on her face. But there was something else in her expression, easily missed if one was not looking for it. Casey was looking for it and she saw it. Her heart sank at the relief and happiness evident in Olivia's voice. She stepped back into the shadows that led into their bedroom, correction - Olivia's bedroom, a place she had come to think of as theirs. Alex had walked into the apartment now, eyes shining and expectant. Suddenly Casey was very aware of her state of dress - one of Olivia's old NYPD T-shirts and boxers - but she was rooted to the spot. _I should leave_, she thought. But in the end, she just stood there, unable to move. She needed to hear Olivia ask her to leave. Then it would all end just as she had always suspected it would.


	2. Chapter 2

**An Honest Choice**

Title: An Honest Choice  
Author: Rosie Cruz  
Pairing: Casey/Olivia  
Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction. The characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. I just like to play with them. The story however is purely a creation of my imagination.

2007 © ROBC. The characters of Olivia Benson, Casey Novak, Elliot Stabler, John Munch, Fin, Cragen and Kathy Stabler belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. The story however is mine. All rights reserved. Copies of this may be printed for personal use only. No part of this story may be reproduced or reused for any other purpose without prior written permission.

Author's Note: There is a lot of angsty drama in this, but no cheating, I promise.

**Chapter 2**

If Alex was at all curious or disconcerted at the situation she had just walked in on, she did not show it. But then, it might have been that in that moment she had eyes for only one person and Casey Novak wasn't it. Neither was the federal marshal still lingering in the doorway.

"I see you are where you want to be Alex. Congratulations on getting your life back. If you need anything, you know how to reach me." With those final words, he closed the door on the three women.

"You're back. I can't believe it. This is great!" said Olivia unable to contain her enthusiasm. Alex's departure had been devastating for everyone, but for her it had put an end to a possibility she had found it hard to believe in, but even harder to let go of. And now just as suddenly as she had disappeared, she was back. Olivia's head was spinning with the impossibility of it.

"Yeah, I'm back," said Alex stepping closer. She paused for only a moment before launching herself at Olivia's still form and hugging her hard. She seemed to need some physical reassurance that Olivia was indeed there, in the flesh.

Casey watched the two women embrace for a moment before walking into Olivia's bedroom. Her mind was spiraling in vicious panicked circles of confusion.

_How could she come back? She wasn't supposed to come back! _

She stood in the middle of the bedroom at a loss.

_I will not cry. I will not cry. _

The pounding she was feeling in her heart a few moments ago had somehow moved up to her head. She put her fingers to her temple hoping to ease the pain that had started there the moment she walked into the bedroom. She needed to think. She cradled her face with her hands hoping the gesture would help contain the thoughts swirling in her head. She didn't know what to do.

_I need to get out of here._

That sounded like a plan she could execute. She began looking for a pair of jeans amongst the miscellaneous cloths scattered around the room. Finding a pair that looked like hers she quickly stripped out of the boxers she wore and slipped on the jeans.

_Socks next, I must find socks._

She went automatically to the top drawer where she kept a variety of t-shirts, socks and underwear, and pulled out a pair. She hesitated before closing the drawer, a stray thought penetrating the barriers she had erected upon seeing Alex Cabot standing in Olivia's doorway.

_I'm going to have to figure out when to get my stuff. No time for that now Novak, just concentrate on getting outta here tonight with at least a shred of dignity._

She saw her running shoes neatly lined up against the dresser and reached for them, slipping them on and tying the laces quickly, her precise and controlled movements belaying the churning in her stomach. She rummaged through another pile of clothes until the hoody she was looking for was in her hands. She donned it quickly and was in the process of zipping when she caught a flash of blue, the strap of the bag she sometimes used to cart things between her apartment and Olivia's. She was reaching for it when she heard the bedroom door open. She paused only momentarily before hurriedly looking around the room for her things.

"Casey?"

Casey didn't answer. She saw the boxers she had discarded and picked them up throwing them in the blue bag as she continued looking around for things belonging to her. But she couldn't really tell the difference between her t-shirts and Olivia's. Needing to do something she began picking up clothes randomly and throwing them in the blue bag. She hoped most of them were hers.

"Casey, what are you doing?" she heard Olivia say in a soft voice.

"I think it's fairly obvious," she snapped back knowing she sounded angry. She took a breath. She needed to keep it together but anger would not really help.

"You're leaving?"

_Wow, I can see why they made you a detective,_ was the smarmy comment that was on the tip of her tongue. She swallowed it, not wanting the last things they said to each other to be hurtful, spiteful things. Anger would not work. Nothing would.

"Yes, Olivia. I'm leaving. You two need to talk and I would just be in the way."

She stopped her random packing deciding that she would need to come back for the rest of her clothes and began closing the blue bag. Olivia just stood there.

Casey hefted the bag onto her shoulder and began walking toward the bedroom door. Olivia moved aside before she reached it. Casey's hand was on the doorknob, her body facing the door. _She had to know._

"Do you…" she hesitated, not sure how to ask the question she needed to ask. "Are you...are we…is this it for us?"

The silence that followed her question turned Casey's stomach. It was a deafening silence that made her want to scream. Instead, she turned the doorknob. Either Olivia was not going to answer or she was not going to respond the way Casey wanted her to, but either way the pain she was feeling was not going away. She needed to leave. She took a deep breath and prepared to open the door, but Olivia's soft voice found her ears and for a moment, Casey's heart surged causing her to pause in her movements.

"I don't know, Casey. I…I really don't know," said Olivia sounding guilty and a little defeated.

Casey let the disappointment and pain settle in her stomach. It was churning around like some horrible witch's brew. She put her head down for a moment contemplating a response, but none came to her. There was only the pain. She took a deep breath and opened the door making her way into the hall and out of the apartment never once looking back and missing the look of helpless horror that followed her movements from the woman standing in the darkened shadows of the bedroom she had just left.


	3. Chapter 3

**An Honest Choice**

Title: An Honest Choice  
Author: Rosie Cruz  
Pairing: Casey/Olivia  
Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction. The characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. I just like to play with them. The story however is purely a creation of my imagination.

2007 © ROBC. The characters of Olivia Benson, Casey Novak, Elliot Stabler, John Munch, Fin, Cragen and Kathy Stabler belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. The story however is mine. All rights reserved. Copies of this may be printed for personal use only. No part of this story may be reproduced or reused for any other purpose without prior written permission.

**Chapter 3**

Olivia stood in the empty bedroom trying to work out her feelings. She wished she had time to think about what had just happened, but it was not to be. Casey was gone and Alex was waiting in the other room. She tried telling herself that it made sense that Casey had left, but then why did she feel like everything was going so horribly wrong?

A part of her wished Alex would go away too. She needed to think about how her life had just…changed. Alex was back, but she wasn't quite sure what that meant. Still it was ridiculous to think of sending Alex away. She was the reason for all of the confusion and there were things they needed to talk about, things she needed to know like the how and why. She wished she could have asked Casey to stay, but she knew that was selfish. She wanted Casey's strength and support, but that wouldn't have been fair to Casey. Casey did not deserve to sit and listen to some heart to heart between her and Alex. What did Casey deserve?

_Someone better than me_, she thought ruefully. She heard the rattle of coffee cups in the other room and knew she had to get out there. Alex was there. Putting aside her confusion, she slowly made her way back to the smell of coffee, Alex's easy smile and an unknown future.

Alex was nervous. She had not expected anyone but Olivia when she decided to come here first. She had not considered the possibility that Olivia had met someone and essentially moved on. And even if those thoughts had crossed her mind, she certainly would not have expected Casey Novak to be here, at Olivia's apartment, in an obviously intimate setting. But she had come too far to be waylaid by what she considered minor obstacles.

Olivia's reaction had not been what she expected, but then, she realized, she had also not walked in on a lovesick Olivia pining away for her. Rather she had come back to claim something that someone else had claimed in her absence. It didn't matter. She had a prior claim and she would fight for Olivia. She would take whatever steps were necessary. She needed her life back; all of it, including the parts she had only half-claimed before she was forced to leave everything behind and disappear into Witness Protection.

After their initial hug at the door, which had been far too short for Alex, they just stared at each other. Alex noted the changes in Olivia. She seemed more relaxed, less intense and more open. It was endearing and she had to admit it looked good on her. But then Olivia must have noticed Casey's absence. She had excused herself hurriedly and disappeared into the bedroom. Alex had taken the opportunity to make herself at home. She went to the kitchen and started a fresh pot of coffee. She frowned as she went through the motions. Casey's presence here complicated everything. It had to be handled delicately. Perhaps a polite, we need to talk would get her out of the apartment tonight. Once she had the coffee going she slipped back into the living room taking a seat on the couch. She heard the bedroom door open and saw a blur that she assumed was Casey Novak zip by as she made her way out of the apartment.

_So much for that complication_, thought Alex with a lighter heart.

But that had been a few minutes ago and Olivia had not returned. Needing to keep herself busy, she went back in the kitchen to pour the coffee. When she had two steaming cups on the coffee table and Olivia had still not emerged, she decided that she needed to take the initiative and go looking for her. She rose from her seat to do just that as a sadder and somewhat dazed looking Olivia walked out of the bedroom. She sat heavily on a ridiculously fluffy chair across from Alex. Olivia made an attempt at a smile in her direction, but it was weak. Alex returned the smile gladly and sat back down.

"Good idea to start the coffee," said Olivia.

"Yes. I thought we would need it."

"Yeah, good instinct. You always had good instincts."

"Have. Present tense. I'm back Liv."

"Yeah. You are and I'm very happy for you," said Olivia.

"But not for you? For us?" said Alex noticing Liv's word choice.

"There was never an _us_ Alex," said Olivia shifting in her seat uncomfortably.

"There could be."

And there it was, her fantasy come to life. How many times had Olivia imagined hearing those words from this woman? How many times had she wished for it?

_She looks absolutely beautiful_, thought Olivia. Only Alex could make casual look glamorous. She was wearing a soft blue sweater over black pants and looked completely in her element. Her blond hair had grown since Olivia had last seen her, but it still fell in flawless wispy waves to land on petite shoulders. And the glasses, those glasses _were_ Alex to Olivia. They extenuated her beautiful face in all its perfect proportions. They said, I'm smart, but sensitive, I'm warm but strong when I need to be. But then unbidden, the image of Casey's sad green eyes as she tossed random clothes into that ridiculous blue bag that actually belonged to Olivia, came to mind. Those beautiful glistening eyes that would not meet hers as she asked Olivia questions Olivia could not yet answer. Casey had stood at the door, her tall form rigid, red curls in slight disarray, looking pale, but still beautiful. She always looked beautiful. She looked gorgeous in the power suits she wore to court everyday but Olivia was always amazed at the transformation that occurred when she got home; when she changed into her more comfortable jeans and t-shirts, the beauty never left her. It was in her, not the clothes. It was in the face always so open and inviting. It was in the luscious red hair that Olivia loved running her fingers through. It was in her smile. The smile had been absent as she stood by the bedroom door.

"You can't just walk back into my life and just…" she started to say wanting to be angry with Alex, but she was unable to finish the sentence.

_And what?_

She had to admit that having Alex here, in the flesh made her feel things she thought she had worked out of her system years before. Years ago she had fantasized about this moment over and over. She couldn't count the times. But things were different now, weren't they?

She shook her head, disbelief clouding her thoughts. In the space of a few seconds her world had changed so drastically. How could that be? How could that happen in an instant? Alex was back and Alex, apparently, wanted her? Could she possibly refuse the blonde beauty that she had dreamed about for years; the person she had loved, who had been suddenly and cruelly taken away from her? But it wasn't that simple, was it? Alex's voice invaded her thoughts.

"Olivia. This nightmare is over. Velez is dead and his empire in disarray, I can get my life back and you… I want you to be a part of that."

She paused. She knew she had to get this right. "Olivia, I put a lot of things on hold because I thought I had time. Now I know better. We have to go for the things we want in the here and now and do whatever it takes to make it work because you can't count on time. It can be taken away in an instant. Everything can."

Olivia was staring intently at her and for a moment Alex saw the woman she had left behind. She saw the same intensely focused eyes open to her completely. But it was only a few seconds before the guarded pained look came back. Still her Olivia was there too and on that she had to hang everything.

"Olivia I want to be with you." Alex knew she had to choose her next words carefully.

"I don't know what I walked in on and frankly, I can't say I'm not surprised, because I am, but I didn't go through 3 years of hell to get back to you and not tell you how I feel. I have to take this chance." She waited for Olivia to say something…anything.

Olivia put her head down. Her heart was warring with itself. Here was the Alex of her dreams giving her everything she thought she had wanted years ago, but her life with Casey wasn't a dream, it was the real thing. Still, the temptation was strong, to give in to this thing with Alex; this thing that she had longed for with an intensity she had not known she was capable of. Still there was a sadness that came with what Alex was proposing. She couldn't ignore it or the fact that it seemed to be lingering around her. She turned her head, her gaze automatically focusing on the door to her apartment, her thoughts turning to the woman who had just walked out of it with a finality that seemed to cut Olivia in half. It had hurt to watch Casey walk away and the hurt was growing in leaps and bounds.

"Maybe this is too much, too soon," said Alex rising from the couch as she said the words. She sensed Olivia's reticence and knew she had to lighten the conversation.

"Listen. It's pretty late and I didn't really make plans for a place to stay, so do you mind if I stay here tonight?"

"No, of course not!" said Olivia rising like a shot from the seat she had been occupying. "Of course you can stay here. Stay as long as you like," she added before she had really thought about it.

She closed her eyes. She couldn't take the words back, but it was a mistake to let Alex stay here, she thought vaguely. _I probably need some time to just think about things and her being around here will not help me think._

"Thanks Olivia. I really appreciate that."

They stared at each other for a moment before Alex let out a small laugh. "This is ridiculous. I'm tired but all I want to do is hug you."

Olivia smiled, a real genuine smile that had Alex's heart soaring.

"I know how you feel," Olivia responded.

Both women simultaneously and as if by unspoken agreement embraced. The hug was longer this time and Alex relaxed into it.

_It's a start_, she thought. _It's a start._


	4. Chapter 4

An Honest Choice

Title: An Honest Choice  
Author: Rosie Cruz  
Pairing: Casey/Olivia  
Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction. The characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. I just like to play with them. The story however is purely a creation of my imagination.

2007 © ROBC. The characters of Olivia Benson, Casey Novak, Elliot Stabler, John Munch, Fin, Cragen and Kathy Stabler belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. The story however is mine. All rights reserved. Copies of this may be printed for personal use only. No part of this story may be reproduced or reused for any other purpose without prior written permission.

Author's Note: A slightly longer chapter

**Chapter 4**

_**Friday Morning – 16**__**th**__** Precinct, New York Police Department**_

They had talked for hours, Olivia catching Alex up on everyone's lives and Alex sharing some of the details of her own from the last three years. It was comfortable and Olivia had relaxed into the easy conversations. When Alex spontaneously kissed her, it scrambled Olivia's brains. It was a passionate kiss fueled by years of longing and desire. Alex wanted to take it further, but Olivia slowed things down. She didn't know exactly why she had put a stop to their make-out session; she only knew that it had not felt right. But the relaxed conversation and the comfortable closeness they had established had bolstered her confidence that maybe things were just meant to happen in this way.

By the next morning, Olivia was fully convinced that this thing with Alex was meant to be. That thought - that her and Alex were meant to be – got her up in the morning and in the car. But when she let her guard down and became unfocused other thoughts invaded her calm; images of Casey blurred the clarity she thought she had gained the previous night. Now here she was driving to work, contemplating how life can change from one moment to the next and wondering how many more changes she would have to endure before the dust settled from Alex's return.

She had to talk to Casey. She would have to explain the situation. She wasn't looking forward to having that conversation, so she tried not to think about it, taking Alex's advice to just live in the moment and be happy. But the thought of Casey kept popping into her head disrupting her concentration and the happiness she thought she should be feeling. She pulled up to the station and shook her head trying to scatter the feelings of dread and doubt that were making her chest feel heavy. She sat for a few moments thinking of what she was going to say to the guys. They would know soon enough that Alex was back. She hoped they would understand about Casey.

They had been the most supportive bunch of cops she had ever seen when they found out about her and Casey. It had been amazing and she never passed up an opportunity to call them on their hidden romantic side. Her relationship with Casey was public knowledge from the beginning. Elliot would often tease her declaring that trying to hide it would have been an exercise in futility. In fact, they were often treated like a married couple. Once, the Captain had even gone so far as to rat her out to Casey when Olivia had come into work way too sick to really be there. In a strange way she felt like she would be disappointing them.

_Here goes nothing,_ she thought as she let herself out of the car.

Apart from sharing the good news of Alex's return with the squad that morning, Olivia had said nothing to them about their new relationship. She found that she just…couldn't. She remembered when she and Casey had moved from close friends to something much more. She hadn't been able to contain herself and the gang had figured it out immediately. This thing with Alex was something different. She felt it and it worried her.

_I really need to stop making comparisons. And I really need to talk to Casey. _

It turned out to be a good thing that she hadn't shared anything with the squad that morning, since she received an urgent phone call from Alex after barely starting her day. Alex had tactfully told her that a public relationship was out of the question. Olivia had to understand that she needed to get her life in order before making any big pronouncements about her sexuality. Olivia felt like she should have been more bothered by that. Instead she merely found it interesting. She could never imagine Casey making such a request of her and she instinctually knew it would have bothered her if Casey had put such limits on their relationship, but with Alex it was just…different.

In the afternoon Alex visited the station with more surprising news. She had been a very busy girl that day. Things were getting back to normal for her professionally as well. She was coming back to the DA's office in her old position as ADA for SVU. According to Alex, she had asked Branch for any position and he had rewarded her with her old one, with a promise of a promotion in the near future. Olivia had started to ask where that left Casey, but Alex waved her off and said Casey would probably end up better off than Alex after everything was settled. A sigh of relief had escaped Olivia's lungs before she could stop it. Alex either did not hear it or chose to ignore it.

_**Friday Night – O'Malley's Bar**_

With the news of Alex's return spreading like wildfire, it was inevitable that some sort of party would be organized. It was Friday night and the party was due to start soon. Olivia was making her way to O'Malley's to join the others, deciding to leave the car at the station and walk the short distance to the bar. She would take a cab home after the party. She had lagged behind hoping she and Alex could walk over together, but Alex had told her that she needed to clear some things up with Branch at the office, so she would meet her there. Olivia suspected that the business with Branch could have waited. Perhaps their walking over together would look too suspicious. She imagined Alex would be taking a separate cab "home" even though she was technically staying at Olivia's – all a part of the elaborate ruse that was Alex's heterosexuality. Now as she buried her hands in her leather jacket, she let out a frustrated breath.

_This is so damn stupid_, she thought.

It was much simpler and she had to admit a lot more enjoyable when she had made this walk over with Casey and no one blinked an eye that they went home together. In fact they would have probably questioned the both of them if they gave any indication that they would not be going home together.

_That part of your life is over Benson, so just forget it. You've already screwed that up._

She unconsciously slowed her pace to a crawl as thoughts of Casey filled her head once again. That had been happening all day. The image of the red-head leaving her apartment last night had especially haunted her. Olivia knew she would have to face Casey soon. They needed to have that last final conversation. She had called Casey earlier intent on at least starting it, but she choked. She hadn't known what she wanted to say or what she really could say. As soon as she heard the hurt in Casey's voice, she lamely put off the "conversation" (as she now thought about it) and instead invited Casey to Alex's welcome back party.

_Stupid, Benson._ _I mean what the fuck? Why would she want to go to that?_

She was also dreading the face to face she had to have with Elliot who had been giving her a combination of worried and furious looks all day. They had been busy at separate tasks and so there had been no chance to talk about the sudden change in Olivia's love life. Not that she would normally share those things with him, but she sensed that this time, he might want an explanation.

_List of things to do_, she thought as she continued her casual stroll:

_Break up with Casey._

Her heart seemed to lunge at the thought. Last night with the force that was Alex in her apartment that had not seemed as daunting as it did today. Last night was already a distant memory and she was having problems trying to recreate the state of mind she had been in, that state of mind that had led her to make the decision that had brought her here today. Last night had been like being in another world where reality did not intrude. Deciding that being with Alex and breaking up with Casey was the right thing to do, maybe even the expected progression of things, had felt like a natural decision, as easy as the flip of a switch. And yet today, somehow the thought seemed to knock her breath out. She had to switch gears and think of something else for fear of passing out right there on the street.

_Talk to Elliot. _

She sighed hoping that conversation would go better than she imagined the first going.

As it turned out, she did not need to say much to the squad or Elliot. Alex had celebrated both her return to her old life and her return to SVU in classic Alex fashion. She came late, left early, and was not overly exuberant or wild. It was clear she was happy, but her cool collected demeanor remained in place. Casey's absence from the party did not go unnoticed and the gentle inquiries about what would happen to the tall red-head seemed to irk Alex, who shared the same information with them that she had provided to Olivia that afternoon. That seemed to brighten the spirits of the squad and Olivia noticed that they were able to enjoy themselves more.

The party seemed to relax a little after Alex thanked everyone and politely expressed her regret that she couldn't stay longer. This had been the agreed upon course of action. Olivia was supposed to follow a short time later, the two women meeting at Olivia's.

Olivia never actually made it. As the party started to break up an unsettling silence seemed to permeate the small group. Elliot finally broke it.

"So what's the deal, partner? You and Casey…"

"I can't really say," said Olivia quickly. She was looking into her empty glass as she spoke, her head never coming up.

"Come on Liv. Whatever is going on between you and Cabot…well whatever. We understand if you can't…you know, talk about it, but we already know about you and Casey."

"I…I haven't talked everything out with her yet. Look…" She finally looked up.

Sympathetic eyes met her and she blew out a breath in exasperation before looking away again.

"I'd rather not say anything." Silence met her remarks. After a while, Munch spoke.

"Olivia, I'm not going to judge you as I'm sure you have your reasons, but me thinks you may live to regret what you have done," said Munch as he got up to take his leave. He placed a few bills on the table. "Talk to Casey. She deserves to know where she stands."

Fin followed suit. "For once I agree with Munch," he said as he added money to the pile before sauntering off.

"Wait!" she shouted to the both of them. They turned around but made no effort to retrace their steps and return to the table.

"Please?" she begged.

They made their way back but did not take their seats.

"Listen guys. About me and Alex….I know what you…suspect, but well…you can't say anything. You have to act like there's nothing going on between me and Alex. It's…it's important to her, to her career. Okay?"

"Freaking unbelievable," said Fin. "I'm out. Liv see you on the flip side and no, I won't say nothing."

Munch gave her a look she could not decipher before making his way toward the exit.

Elliot made no move to leave. He eyed her as if he was trying figure something out. She shifted in her seat, uncomfortable with the scrutiny.

"If you have something to say, say it," she finally demanded.

"Okay." He leaned forward never taking his eyes off her. "I'm only gonna say this once, Liv so listen real good. You better be damn sure about what you're doing…Because if you're not, you may be making the biggest mistake of your life." He rose out of his chair and reached for his jacket, stopped mid motion, and sat back down. "I can't figure out whether I should be worried for you or kick your ass."

Olivia blinked and furrowed her brow.

"What…what do you mean?"

"I want you to be happy Liv. But…" He stopped, trying to compose himself before continuing. Olivia knew him well enough to recognize when he was trying to get his temper under control.

"Damn it what you've done to Casey isn't right! You're both like sisters to me and I don't like to see my sisters hurt. You've hurt her, Liv. Real bad."

He paused wanting her to say something. Her face crumpled and she turned away abruptly making it clear that for the moment she was incapable of speech.

He shook his head. "I went by her office before coming out here. She's trying to be strong, but…she's hurting. She could barely look at me. Look, it's like I said, I hope you know what you're doing, because if this thing doesn't work out with Cabot, I don't think you can get Casey back." He paused as her misty eyes turned to him again. "I gotta tell you, I wouldn't even want you to try. I won't let you hurt her again." He was looking dead at her now and she knew he was serious.

She was about to fall apart and she knew it. She wiped her eyes and turned away from him. She didn't want to think about how much she was hurting Casey. She had spent all day trying not to think about that. And here was this good man trying to protect Casey from his own best friend. She heard his knuckles rasp the table as he rose from his chair.

"I'll see you around, Liv."

_It wasn't supposed to be like this_, Olivia thought as she watched him walk away.

She should be happy. Alex was back and all her fantasies were coming true. _Weren't they?_ She shouldn't be sitting here alone and miserable in a bar. She let herself remember the last time the squad had gotten together for drinks. It was last week and there was no real occasion. They had all just decided to hang out after work, needing to unwind and get their minds off of everything. That night had ended so differently.

"_Come on Munch. You don't really believe that crap." Elliot was mostly amused by Munch's wild conspiracy theories, but tonight his tone expressed exasperation. Some of Munch's theories were really just plain wacky and not worth the time they spent engaging him. "Alien's landing here in the 1940s? Did not happen."_

"_Believe it my friend. The government kept it top secret. Afraid it would cause a panic." _

"_How could they possibly hide something like that?" Casey's voice managed to convey seriousness tempered by a dose of humor as she addressed Munch. _

"_Come on, with the press being what it is, there is no way something like this would remain a secret for so long. I mean 50 years? No way. I just don't buy it. Not because it isn't plausible, but because it's impossible for anything to remain a secret for that long. People talk. They always do."_

_Olivia smiled and shook her head listening as her friends took turns trying to convince Munch that his theories were bunk. _

She had not participated much in the conversation that night, content to just sit and observe her friends' verbal feud. They had broken up late, much too late, their goodbyes sounding weary. Then she and Casey had taken a cab back to Casey's apartment. They had slipped into their pajamas, popped some popcorn and just talked until they're sleepiness forced them to slip under the covers of Casey's bed in each other's arms.

Olivia couldn't help the smile that came to her face as she sat there re-living those moments. She had been happy then. She frowned. She should be happy now. She put on her jacket, placed a twenty on the growing stack of bills, _probably tipped way too much_, she thought, and walked out the door. She decided to walk to her place to clear her head, but her walk took her back to the station instead and since she was there, well, there was work that she really needed to finish.


	5. Chapter 5

**An Honest Choice**

Title: An Honest Choice  
Author: Rosie Cruz  
Pairing: Casey/Olivia  
Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction. The characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. I just like to play with them. The story however is purely a creation of my imagination.

2007 © ROBC. The characters of Olivia Benson, Casey Novak, Elliot Stabler, John Munch, Fin, Cragen and Kathy Stabler belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. The story however is mine. All rights reserved. Copies of this may be printed for personal use only. No part of this story may be reproduced or reused for any other purpose without prior written permission.

_Author's Note: This started out as a very long chapter, but in the interest of timely posting, I've broken it up. Any mistakes are the fault of work intruding on this lovely little hobby of mine. Apologies in advance for any errors_.

**Chapter 5**

_**Friday Night – Casey's Apartment**_

Casey walked into her apartment, not bothering to flick on the lights. She set down her worn leather briefcase, a gift from her dad when she graduated law school, and collapsed on the couch. Reaching down to slip off her shoes, she casually let her eyes wander to the picture frame of her and Liv that was propped up in its usual spot on the coffee table. She stopped suddenly, letting out a muffled cry.

_Oh God_, _how am I going to get through this? _

The nightmare that had begun last night with Alex's appearance, had gathered some steam since then. She had showed up to work early, wanting to busy herself with briefs and trial preparations, willing herself to forget the events of the previous night. But Alex was about to affect more than just Casey's personal life.

An unexpected meeting with Branch at midday had just about topped off Casey's nightmare. Alex was returning to SVU as an ADA. She was getting her old job back. They weren't exactly throwing Casey out…yet. They were looking for another position for her, a _better_ position, Branch had promised.

"This will be good for your career Casey. I promise you. We've been very happy with your work with the SVU unit. As soon as something opens up, your name will be at the top of my list of candidates."

Next up was a difficult meeting with Liz Donnelly. She was instructed to give Alex half of her caseload on Monday. Liz was all smiles and excitement.

"This is a great opportunity for you Casey. You're on Branch's radar for future promotions, and for now, with Alex taking over half of your caseload, you get a little bit of a break. Go get a personal life. Enjoy this while it lasts," she had said brightly.

Casey had plastered on her best attempt at a smile and left the office.

She leaned over to pick up the picture frame that had caused her heart to stop just moments before and her mind could not help but tumble back in time. The photo showed a relaxed Olivia lying in a hammock with Casey tucked snuggly under her chin. It had been taken on their brief trip to San Francisco last fall. They had stayed at her friend Kate's.

She sighed heavily and put the frame back on the coffee table. It was her favorite picture of the two of them and Kate's talent for capturing moments on film was clearly on display. She remembered that day clearly. It had been one of those rare breezy, but sunny days in the bay area, and Olivia had decided to take advantage of it by reading outside. She was the most relaxed Casey had ever seen her and Casey could not resist the temptation to join her in the hammock. She had worried that it wouldn't hold the both of them, but Olivia assured her that it would. So she had carefully joined her, surprised at how easily her body and Olivia's had adjusted to achieve the optimum comfort. And then they both relaxed. Olivia put the book down and began stroking Casey's back. Casey tucked herself under Olivia's chin and began tracing the muscular stomach underneath her through the skimpy shirt Olivia wore. They had been content to be in each other's arms, together.

Kate, who had the fortunate habit of carrying her camera with her everywhere, stumbled upon them on returning home. She slipped onto the patio unnoticed and true to her profession, lifted her camera, clicked, and put it down before Casey and Olivia were even aware of her presence.

She had sent the framed picture to Casey for her birthday with a note attached that said, _Ain't love grand?_ The note had made Casey laugh, but the photo had sent a surge through her body, reminding her of how completely and totally in love she felt. She had felt almost invincible. Now it was gone and she couldn't even see the picture clearly anymore. She impatiently wiped the moisture from her eyes and lay back against the couch. She knew she would have to move soon, perhaps even eat something, and at the very least, start doing the case summaries she needed to finish before Alex started on Monday.

She closed her eyes and tried to clear her mind, hoping to erase the pain she felt at her loss. She had known all along that this would happen; that it would all end this way. She had tried to fight this thing she felt for Olivia for so long precisely because she knew the ending. It would have probably worked too, had her and Olivia not started spending so much time together; if they had not become friends.

Memories were all she had now and despite the pain, she indulged them remembering her first day with SVU. She had gone to assist in the search of a suspect's house, gotten yelled at, and received a very rude awakening. Her time with SVU was not going to be a walk in the park. In addition to the difficulty of trying more brutal and heartbreaking cases, she would also have to contend with the ghost of Alexandra Cabot. She figured that out almost immediately. Everyone revered Alex. After spending a few days with the SVU unit, Casey would not have been surprised to find that the woman could walk on water. Olivia had been the worst, not because her treatment of Casey had been any worse than the others but because despite the negativity, the bad feelings, and the hostility, Casey had felt an immediate connection to her.

She knew enough about herself to recognize attraction, but it was easy to ignore when the object of your attraction was being such a complete bitch to you. It took her a long time to begin to feel that the detectives took her seriously, but she had done it. She had chipped away at their tough exterior. After a while she felt their attitudes start to change. They even invited her out with them occasionally. But it was after she was attacked in her office that the transformation really occurred. Olivia was the catalyst. She became friendlier and like dominoes the other members of the squad fell into line. It had felt so wonderful. And to her surprise the attraction she had felt for Olivia on their first meeting was still there. Then it became a problem. Casey closed her eyes tightly hoping to ward off more tears. The waterworks had permeated at the edge of her consciousness all day but without the tension of work, containing them now seemed impossible.

The first time she and Olivia had spent significant time together outside of work had been a night weeks after the attack when she had arrived home to find Olivia waiting outside the door to her building.

_Casey was not surprised to see Olivia Benson standing outside the door to her apartment building. Her cell phone, safely tucked into her backpack, had not made a sound on her trek from work to her small apartment, but sometimes her detectives thought they could better convince her of their need for a search warrant by talking to her in person._

'_Well I guess my plans for a work free Friday night just went out the window.' _

_She had dismounted from her bicycle and had just nudged it onto the sidewalk, when Olivia noticed her and started walking over. It was spring, and the air was still a bit nippy. Olivia walked casually toward her, her leather jacket open. She wore light colored low cut jeans, different than the ones Casey had seen her in earlier. 'Guess she changed,' she thought._

"_Hello Detective. What brings you here?"_

_She expected a quick run-down of Olivia's latest case followed by a plea for help. What she got was a shy smile from the tall detective. _

"_Can I help you with anything?" asked Olivia._

_Casey was taken aback, unsure of how to answer._

"_Um sure. Can you hold my bags? It can get a little awkward carrying them and the bike." _

_Olivia dutifully reached for the bags as Casey concentrated on her bike. _

"_So, you haven't answered my question," said Casey glancing at Olivia and noticing the worry showing on her face. 'This must be something serious, if she's showing up here and hasn't even mentioned a case,' she thought. _

"_Well, I was on my way home. I had to pass your place and I just got this…Well, I mean, I thought I would see if you weren't busy or something."_

_They had reached Casey's door. She looked back at Olivia, her heart pounding. Her face suddenly felt heated and she had to turn away quickly. 'Just relax Novak. It's not what you think it is. We've been friendly lately. She probably just needs a friend.'_

"_No, not busy, although when I saw you outside my front door, I thought you were ruining my Friday night." She paused and looked at Olivia seriously, "You're not, right?"_

_Olivia smiled. "No," she said, her eyes tracking down to her own shoes. "I just thought it would be nice to have dinner or something."_

_Casey decided to ignore the 'or something'. _

"_Yeah that sounds fantastic!" she said, trying not to sound overly enthusiastic. "Is it okay, if I shower and change first?" she asked. "You can come up and wait. It won't take long." _

_When Olivia finally looked up, she had a full out grin on her face. "Sure, that would be great. Besides, I think you could use some help." She secured Casey's bag on her shoulder as Casey reached for the keys clipped to her bicycling jacket._

_She reached over her bicycle's handlebars and managed to get the key in and turn it correctly, pushing the door open with the front tire and walking in somewhat awkwardly. She led the way to the elevators and pushed the UP button. Olivia stood there staring at the small elevator doors. _

"_Um, Casey, are you sure that bicycle fits in that elevator, because if those doors are any indication, that's a tiny space."_

_Casey just smiled as the elevator dinged. As soon as the elevator doors opened she pulled her bike into an upright position, holding it steady by the handlebars and rolled it into the tiny space on its back wheel. _

"_You better hurry up if you want to catch this ride," she shouted to Olivia, who scrambled to get inside before the doors closed._

"_Honestly, Casey, how do you this every day without some help and with the stuff you bring home from work?"_

"_Well, I try to limit the stuff I take home. We live in an electronic age you know, and sometimes I have help from someone in the building, but mostly, I just manage. And I don't do it every day. Thanks for your help today though."_

"_No problem."_

_They made it to dinner an hour later. Casey suggested the diner across the street, since anywhere else was going to involve waiting in line. She had thoroughly enjoyed the evening and tried not to read too much into the situation. It was just two friends hanging out on a Friday night. But when the scenario had been repeated on the next two Fridays, her imagination started to get the best of her. _

_She began looking forward to Friday as soon as Monday rolled around. But if waiting for Friday to spend quality time with Olivia was proving to be too much, Olivia surprised her again. This time, it was Monday lunches with the beautiful detective. For the next month, Olivia and Casey saw each other regularly on Mondays and Fridays, schedules' permitting of course. _

_Casey barely managed to contain her joy, not to mention her fleeting fantasies, on most days during that blissful month. The ever present question, "What does it all mean?" also haunted her. She tried not reading anything into their dinners and lunches. But that became more and more difficult as they continued. They barely talked about work on those outings, preferring to talk about each other. _

_Casey loved the way Olivia's eyes seemed to shine when she heard Casey's stories about her days as an army brat, strutting around the base with the other brats like they owned it, but cowering whenever they saw any of their fathers. She talked to Olivia about her brothers and father, law school, coming out, and her first days at the DA's office. Olivia was slightly less forthcoming, but she had explained to Casey that her stories just weren't as much fun as Casey's and that she preferred to listen and imagine Casey as a small child, unruly and wild running around an army base acting as if it had been placed there for her amusement._

_When Olivia first shared the story of her conception with Casey and told her of some of the more harrowing experiences that kids of alcoholic parents' experience, Casey's heart went out to her and she could not stop herself from touching Olivia. She had instinctually placed a hand on Olivia's arm and squeezed wanting to do something, anything to support Olivia, to help the pain go away. Olivia had not flinched at the touch, although she was normally not the type of person for whom those physical intimacies were tolerable. In fact, she seemed surprised by the gesture and had not been able to contain a smile. Casey was astonished at how natural the gesture had seemed to her. That had been a turning point. _

_Touches became more frequent and regular between them after that, although they were careful to maintain their distance at work. It had not been as difficult as Casey had imagined interacting at work, but then thinking about "different interactions at work" implied a developing relationship and Casey was trying hard not to think about that, preferring to just live in the moment. _

_However, the constant need to touch Olivia eventually became a bit of a problem when they were out together. One Friday, when they had walked out of Rick's Bar and Grill, she had to physically stop herself from threading her arm through Olivia's. She was three quarters of the way there, when she recognized where she was headed and screamed at her arms to detour to her own pockets. _

_When she saw Olivia Benson at her door one Wednesday night, she had to do a quick mental check to ensure that she had not completely missed Thursday, reaching Friday night without even realizing it. She quickened her pace as Olivia came closer reaching for Casey's bags automatically._

"_Hello Detective," she said, thinking that if this was not a professional call, her night had just picked up._

_Olivia fell into step with her easily. "Hello Counselor," she responded, never breaking her stride. "How do you feel about Thai?" she asked as they reached Casey's door._

"_Love Thai. You know that. You promised me Thai food this Friday." She looked at Olivia hoping to get a clue as to why Olivia was here on Wednesday night acting as if it were Friday, but no clues were forthcoming. They made their way to Casey's apartment before Olivia picked up the thread of conversation again._

"_I um…didn't feel like waiting till Friday," she said as she placed the bags on the couch. Casey was hefting her bike onto the hooks hanging from the ceiling. Olivia watched her skillfully turn the bike over and lift, catching the hooks on the first try. Casey was relieved to hear some acknowledgment that Olivia knew what day it was. She turned around once her bike was secure and gave Olivia a questioning look. _

"_So, you show up here, thinking you would find me free and in the mood for Thai on Wednesday night?" she asked playfully. She began walking towards the bathroom and her shower. "I guess that doesn't say much for my social life huh, but still detective…" she paused at the entrance to the bathroom and turned to Olivia who was standing in the middle of her living room, hands tucked into her jacket pockets._

"_A girl likes to be asked."_

"_But…um…I just" Olivia sputtered._

"_Relax Liv. I'll be out in a few minutes."_

Casey opened her eyes. She needed to stop thinking about this. With a desperate effort she heaved herself off the couch and made for her bedroom and a change of clothes.

_**Friday Night – 16**__**th**__** Precinct**_

Olivia was trying to busy herself with work. She should go home, but after the somewhat awkward conversations she'd had at O'Malley's she wanted to get lost in something besides the present and going home would not do that. Her cell phone was on her desk, the vibrations emanating from it from time to time starting to annoy her. She ignored it anyway and tried to concentrate on the paperwork in front of her. The phone's vibrations continued and in a moment of frustration she picked it up and tossed it in a drawer slamming it with more force than necessary.

She should answer it, but right now she was feeling off balance and well, she just couldn't handle conversation. Instead she leaned back in her chair and closed her eyes willing her thoughts to wander to more pleasant things. By their own accord they took her to a different time, not so long ago when she was tripping into something wonderful. Her vision was as clear as day. She saw herself standing in Casey's apartment struggling with how to ask her out and smiled.

'_Of course a girl likes to be asked! Dumb Benson, real dumb. What am I doing here? I'm lost and I don't have a map. Get a grip. You're an adult, you've dated before. Is that what this is? Shit. I should talk to her, ask her properly first.' _

_She plopped down on the couch before realizing she still had her jacket on. Quickly discarding it she thought, 'first things first. I'll ask her if she wants to have dinner here with me tonight and hope she says yes. If she doesn't, I'm going to be eating leftovers for the next two weeks.' _

_The buzzing coming from Casey's hallway made her jump and she hurried over to press the button that would let the delivery man in_.

'_So much for asking her before the food got here.' _

_She waited for him to make the short trek from the lobby to Casey's apartment, paid for the food and placed it in Casey's small kitchen. She looked around the familiar surroundings. _

'_Amazing' _

_They had not talked about what was happening between them and yet she felt so comfortable here with Casey or rather anywhere with Casey. 'We're going to have to talk soon.'_

_She heard the shower stop and the creak of the bathroom door. When she heard Casey's bedroom door close softly she walked out of the kitchen area. 'Do or die Benson.'_

The phone's vibrations snapped Olivia back to the present. It was too quiet in the station for her not to hear it even encased as it was in her drawer. Bowing to the inevitable, she pulled open the drawer where she had tossed the phone and retrieved it, but just as her fingers touched the warm smooth surface, the vibrations stopped. She held it aloft staring at it as if it was something foreign before putting it in her pocket and heading for the crib. She needed to sleep off the booze she had consumed before attempting to drive home. At least that's what she told herself and what she would tell Alex tomorrow.

**Friday Night - Casey's Apartment**

Casey had tried to focus on the little things; walking to the bedroom, searching for clothes, actually putting them on, but the memories that had started in the living room followed her and she could not help but return to that night.

_Casey stepped out of the bedroom wearing a comfortable pair of jeans and a hooded sweatshirt. She was happy that Olivia had stopped by, but the uncertainty of what they were doing was driving her crazy. She needed to know if this was still just a couple of friends hanging out – a lot – or if it was something more because if it was something more, she needed to think, to prepare, and to decide if she was willing to take such a huge risk with Olivia. She had not yet worked out what she was going to say once she stepped out of the sanctity of her bedroom, but she knew they needed to talk._

_Olivia was standing there waiting for her to emerge._

"_Willyouhavedinnerwithmetonight?" Olivia said quickly before letting her eyes drop to her shoes again, a gesture Casey was beginning to recognize as one Olivia used to mask vulnerability, real or imagined. _

'_Absolutely' was on the tip of Casey's tongue, but she stopped herself. She needed to know what this all meant - if anything. She walked towards Olivia forcing Olivia's gaze upward. "Like a date?" she questioned trying to keep her tone playful._

"_Yes, like a date," was Olivia's clear response her steady gaze caught up in the emerald green eyes that were dancing in front of her. _

"_I would love to," said Casey in a huskier tone than she had intended. _

_Casey broke away first. "So, Thai huh?"_

"_Yes. The best Thai food on the east coast awaits us in your kitchen," said Olivia with a little flourish. She made her way to the kitchen, followed by a very happy Casey._

_That night had ended like most of their dinner dates with the two women seated on Casey's couch facing each other. Casey's head was propped up by her right hand casually resting on the back of the couch. Olivia sat at the other end, her left arm completely extended on the back of the couch, fingers just inches from Casey's arm, her left leg bent at the knee and propped up. Neither woman had talked about the dating thing, content to just know that they were._

_Casey was trying to stay awake. She was tired but Olivia was watching her so intently that she wanted to remain in that gaze and so she fought the sleepy haze. Olivia extended her fingers, something Casey had wanted her to do since they sat on the couch, until they touched the soft skin on Casey's arms. The touch ignited Casey's senses and suddenly she was very awake. _

"_Sorry, I almost dozed off there," she said trying to cover for the intense reaction Olivia's touch had produced._

"_Not at all…You…look…quite adorable when you're sleepy. But I should leave." _

_Despite the unwelcome announcement she made no immediate moves to depart seeming to be content to stroke the arm she had just found and let her gaze linger on Casey a little longer. _

"_I guess it is getting late," said Casey, but she too was making no move to get up. _

_Olivia was the first to break the contact this time as she put her legs down and stood up. Casey watched Olivia start to make her way to the chair where Olivia's jacket lay but to Casey's surprise, Olivia stopped in front of her and offered her a hand. She gladly accepted Olivia's help as she was heaved off of the comfortable sofa, loosening her grip as soon as she felt steady on her feet. Olivia's own grip tightened, refusing to let Casey go. They stood face to face. _

"_You okay to walk?" asked Olivia with a teasing smile on her face._

"_Yeah" said Casey using her other hand to tuck a stray hair behind her ear. _

_Olivia picked up her jacket with her free hand, never letting go of Casey's and effectively dragged Casey with her down the hall. She stopped just in front of the door and turned around. _

"_Goodbye Casey" she whispered as she tilted her head and placed a soft kiss on Casey's cheek. She smiled at Casey one last time before opening the door and stepping out into the hallway._

_Casey was speechless. She locked the door securely and leaned against it wanting to capture that wonderful moment in her mind so that she could recollect it later over and over again. _

And she was doing just that. Casey was staring at the ceiling, her mind lost in the memory. She wondered if Olivia had even thought about them since Alex's return. Was she playing these memories over and over again in her head?

_Probably not._


	6. Chapter 6

**An Honest Choice**

Title: An Honest Choice  
Author: Rosie Cruz  
Pairing: Casey/Olivia  
Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction. The characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. I just like to play with them. The story however is purely a creation of my imagination.

2007 © ROBC. The characters of Olivia Benson, Casey Novak, Elliot Stabler, John Munch, Fin, Cragen and Kathy Stabler belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. The story however is mine. All rights reserved. Copies of this may be printed for personal use only. No part of this story may be reproduced or reused for any other purpose without prior written permission.

**Chapter 6**

**Friday Night – 16****th**** Precinct**

Lying on the cot in the crib was uncomfortable, but that was not what was keeping Olivia awake tonight. No, she knew that it was her little trip down memory lane earlier that had her on edge. The memory triggered something powerful in her that stirred strong emotions until her thoughts became a jumbled hard to contain mess. She was feeling confused and disoriented and that would not help her sleep. Finally in exasperation she remembered the breathing exercises that Casey was so fond of. She couldn't help but keep her thoughts on Casey as she breathed deeply and closed her eyes. She concentrated on that until, to her surprise, her body actually managed to relax. She felt the tension drain and was able to picture the memories again without feeling anxious or confused. Her mind shifted to those first heady days with Casey and how she felt when things had gone from great to wonderful. Her thoughts became more focused and slowly and soothingly she went back to that time and place, remembering with crystal clarity all that had transpired the night after she almost kissed Casey Novak. She remembered everything including the feeling that she was in big trouble; that this thing with Casey was not something easily controlled.

_Saturday morning, a full thirty six hours after Olivia had softly kissed Casey goodnight – on the cheek – was the official start of the softball season and Olivia, who had never shown an interest in the sport, was contemplating showing up to practice. She chastised herself when she got home Wednesday night for being such a coward. She had wanted to kiss Casey, really kiss her. But her fear that she would somehow mess it up got the better of her and she settled for a soft peck on the cheek instead. _

_But it didn't matter. She felt more in that brief and almost chaste encounter than she had felt with people she had been way more intimate with. It had also opened up flood gates she didn't know existed, because she had not been able to get Casey out of her head since. She thought about Casey all the way home and while sitting in front of the TV watching a really bad show from the seventies, her favorite method for calming herself for sleep. She thought about Casey while she was brushing her teeth and as she was lying in bed. When she finally drifted off to sleep, Casey filled her dreams. It was starting to feel scarily like an addiction. _

_That had continued for the next few days. Her and Elliot had been busy tracking down leads on an old case and as a result spent very little time at the station which meant she had not seen Casey since that Wednesday. On Thursday night they'd had been called out on a possible case that turned out to be outside of their jurisdiction, but by the time all the bickering between police departments had been worked out, it was late Friday night, way too late for an impromptu visit. And so, when she awoke Saturday morning, her thoughts still with the emerald eyed beauty, she did the only logical thing she could. The only way to quench this thirst she seemed to have was to go and have a drink. She had to see Casey._

_She knew that softball started today. Elliot had talked her ear off about it all week. After showering quickly and dressing in a comfortable pair of jeans and long t-shirt, she grabbed her leather jacket and bounded down the stairs and out of her building._

_As she made her way to the softball field where the notorious "Sex Crimes" team practiced she was mentally considering how she was going to explain her presence at their practice. She had absolutely no interest in softball, had teased Elliot on more than one occasion about his obsession with the sport and since this wasn't a game, she couldn't even say she was there as a cheerleader to support the team._

_Just as she had dismissed the most recent and by far lamest excuse she had come up with on the short drive to the field and concluded that she was just going to be forced to endure a certain amount of teasing, her phone chirped. Hoping it was the one person who was driving her to behave in irrational and inexplicable ways, she answered immediately._

"_Benson"_

"_Olivia, we just a call from Homicide. They found a DB. They think she was raped and strangled. I need you and Elliot on the scene. I know it's your day off, but you're the most experienced team. I need you on this. The officers at the scene are guessing, but they think the victim was a minor."_

"_Where?" she said into the phone and listened for the location. "Elliot and Fin are at softball practice, I'll take Munch with me," she said to Cragen._

"_Okay, but understand I want you and Elliot to be primary on this one."_

"_Got it Captain, I'll call Munch."_

_She hit end on the phone and resisted the urge to slam it against something. She had never, ever, hated her job before. She liked the sense of usefulness it provided her, that feeling that she was doing something to get creeps that hurt people off the streets. She thought it was her duty to find some justice for people whose lives had been tainted by evil, so she normally didn't mind coming in on her day off or being woken up in the middle of the night. She did not mind the long hours and the difficulty that presented for having any kind of personal life. But today, in this moment, she realized she was not going to get her much needed fix of Casey Novak and that pissed her off. She was about five minutes away from the field. _

'_Fuck it,' she thought. 'I have to tell Elliot that we're on a case as soon as he's done with softball anyway and he probably doesn't have his phone on him,' she rationalized as she continue steering the car toward the field. _

_It would probably not do much to quench her thirst, but this way she would at least get to see Casey – if only for a few minutes. She hit the speed dial on her phone as she maneuvered the car into the right lane so she could pull into the mostly empty parking lot adjacent to the field. _

"_Hello"_

"_John. It's Olivia. We just got a call. DB, raped, possible minor. Can you meet me?"_

"_Where's Elliot?"_

"_Softball. Can you fill in?"_

"_Of course, but I think this is a conspiracy to get to me to work today."_

"_Of course it is," she smiled into the phone as she rattled off the address Cragen had given her. "I'll see you there in 15." She hit end and stepped out of the car._

'_How ironic,' she thought, 'I find a plausible excuse for being here and it royally sucks.'_

_It only took a moment for Olivia to find the person she was looking for. Casey was standing on a small mound positioned alongside third base. Olivia couldn't be sure, but thought that Casey might have noticed her presence because her next pitch went wild and had the catcher up on her feet and jumping in the air. _

"_Sorry about that Sandy," Casey shouted at her catcher. _

_Casey was looking at her now and there was no mistaking that she was happy to see her. That look caused the flutters in Olivia's stomach to go crazy and she wondered briefly if she would be able to maintain her cool and actually walk across the field. _

"_Let's take a break Sandy," she heard Casey say to the woman who had been squatting 50 feet in front of her. _

_Sandy got up and made her way to the makeshift benches where coolers were stacked, while Casey started walking in the opposite direction. Olivia's attention was focused on Casey, but she couldn't help notice that other team members were becoming aware of her presence on the field. Elliot waved her over, but she had no intention of going there first._

_She smiled as she sauntered towards Casey wanting to memorize her face, how cute she looked in that powder blue jersey and baseball cap, her gloved hand held up in front of her, the other holding the ball in the glove's pocket. These few moments were going to have to last her awhile she suspected, so her gaze never wavered._

_She and Casey had not talked about how they would handle whether or not to share their relationship with the squad_. '_Can we even call it that yet?' She didn't even know if Casey was out at work. Somehow when they were together they didn't talk about work. It seemed that the last thing they wanted to do was talk about rape, murder and the vicious brutality they were witness to day in and day out._

'_That would have been an important discussion to have had before this, don't you think Benson?' _

_Olivia Benson had only a few moments to consider her options. The way Casey was looking at her made her think of one thing and one thing only. She wanted to kiss Casey. But was that really smart? 'Our first real kiss out here, in front of all these people?' _

_She wanted to, God how she wanted to. Those eyes locked on hers made her want to lose herself completely. Casey seemed incapable of tearing her eyes away from Olivia's and that made the pounding in Olivia's heart erratic. _

_Casey seemed to be struggling with something and Olivia hoped it was the same thing she was struggling with. Then Casey blinked and that seemed to break the intensity that had surged up between them. Olivia walked up to her, not feeling like she was in complete control, but sane enough to forego her original plan to kiss Casey senseless._

"_Hi," she said with a lop-sided grin and because she really couldn't help herself, she bent her head slightly and placed a soft kiss on Casey's check. Casey instinctually moved closer to Olivia's body, her ungloved hand reaching out and touching Olivia's arm for a moment._

"_Hi," she said. "What are you doing here? Develop a sudden interest in softball?"_

"_Yes and no," answered Olivia enjoying the flirtatious smile directed at her. "I have developed a sudden interest in certain softball players, so I um…thought I'd check out what all the fuss is about." She paused and looked at Casey's beautiful face, that full out grin just drawing her in. She hated her next words._

"_But then, Cragen called. I also stopped by to tell Elliot that he should meet me at the station after your practice." _

_Olivia shifted back and forth all of a sudden quite nervous. She had taken a big chance just kissing Casey on the cheek. She hadn't meant to do that and while Casey had not seemed to mind, as Olivia noticed Elliot making his way towards them in a slow jog, a big goofy grin on his face, she knew that to an extent she had just played their hand. _

_Casey seemed disappointed at hearing that Olivia would not be staying but then a shadow crossed her face. "So, is Cragen sending someone out with you?" she asked a small frown making its way to her forehead. Apparently she was unhappy at the thought of Olivia going out on a call alone. _

"_I called Munch. He's going to meet me there," said Olivia glad to see the worry evaporate from Casey's face._

"_Ladies," said a slightly out of breath Elliot as he walked up to the two women._

"_Hi Elliot, I just stopped by to tell you we have a new case. I got the Captain to send Munch out with me to the crime scene, but you need to come in after the game or the practice or whatever, okay? I'm supposed to be there now so I gotta get going."_

"_Thanks partner. Why don't you tell me what you know as we walk to your car? That is, if you girls are finished saying hello?" He was smiling like a Cheshire cat. _

_Casey was standing between them, her gloved hand holding the ball up like a sort of shield, a stance that came naturally to her. Olivia was unsure why her next actions did not set alarm bells off in her head. She simply grabbed Casey's free hand, caressing the top of it with her dumb. _

"_I'll call you later," she said softly, hoping to convey the regret she was feeling that she was unable to stay. Casey curled her fingers and squeezed the hand that was so gently stroking hers. _

"_Okay" she said with a smile and then turned and walked away from them holding Olivia's hand until the last possible moment. And it was in that moment that Olivia knew that whatever happened later, whatever reactions from the squad or the department, the moment she had just had with Casey was worth it. All of the moments were. _

_Olivia continued watching her walk away for a few more seconds before turning towards Elliot, that silly grin still plastered on his face. "What?" she said as they began to walk toward her car._

"_So, I guess the rumors are true?"_

"_What rumors?"_

"_The ones floating around the squad that you have a huge crush on one very attractive ADA."_

"_Are you kidding me?" Olivia looked at him._

"_Well, they're not nasty rumors. The guys just thought you two make a cute couple."_

"_Now I know you're lying because those guys don't use words like cute, especially when referring to two women; hot maybe, but not cute."_

"_Relax, Olivia. I think it's great. Plus, I won the pool!"_

"_I don't want to know, do I?"_

"_Probably not"_

_They were almost to the car, so Olivia switched gears, filling him in on the scant details she knew and promising to meet back up with him at the station. She stepped into her car and closed the door. Elliot leaned in through the open window. "I'm really happy for you, Liv. Really."_

"_Thanks" she said and suddenly everything was fine. Casey had seemed more than fine with her actions, Elliot was happy for her. Life was good at this moment. She started the engine and Elliot stepped away from the window turning around and starting to make his way back to the field. Olivia took one last look at the woman who was slowly wrapping herself around her heart and put the car in drive. She frowned. Life was too damn good at the moment for her to have to be dealing with the evil that was awaiting her at the crime scene._

**Friday – Night Casey's Apartment**

When Casey Novak heard the theme song to _Xena: Warrior Princess_ emanating from somewhere in her apartment, she was understandably confused and a little disturbed.

_What the…?_

Then she remembered the ring tone her friend Jordan had set to her own name on Casey's phone. She looked around, locating her bag. After some opening and closing of Velcro straps she pulled out her cell phone.

"Novak," she said automatically.

"Hey kid. If you get any perkier, you might just have a future as a Mouseketeer. Is that any way…I _ask_ you...any way to greet your best friend?"

Casey, who had been feeling like her heart had been ripped out of its chest by a two bit monster in a bad horror flick all day, was glad to finally hear a friendly voice.

"Hey Jordan, as usual, you have impeccable timing. I was going to call you tonight. I was just doing some work that I need to finish this weekend."

She had been working on the dreaded case summaries that needed to go to Alex when Jordan called. There was nothing like heartache to make you more efficient at work. After changing clothes and drinking some orange juice she had decided to stop wallowing and lose herself in case summaries. If she was going to get through this, she needed to stop thinking about Olivia and while work was connected to Olivia, SVU cases tended to take on a life of their own and made you want to distance yourself from anything personal. She needed that tonight.

"Seriously Case, you sound like your cat just died." When that failed to produce even a faint chuckle Jordan continued. "It didn't, did it? I mean, I didn't even know you owned a cat."

Casey laughed half-heartedly into the phone. "No, I don't own a cat. Listen Jordan, I know you were planning on coming out tomorrow night to spend a few days, but I think it's probably not a good idea."

The laughed had sounded hollow to Jordan's ears. She had known Casey since they were both Army brats. They met when they were eight years old, both of their father's just beginning a three year tour in Germany. They became fast friends and when the three year stint in Germany was over; to their delight they found that their dads had both been assigned to the same base in California. They had been separated at 15, but kept in constant contact and got a big laugh when each tried to come out to the other in college.

"Got a big case or something? I mean, come on Case you invite me out to meet your fabulous girlfriend and gosh darn it, after being in and out of the country for the last 10 months, I'd like to meet the woman who has made you so happy. I need to approve you know. This gets no further until I approve," she said mockingly.

There was no response to Jordan's spontaneous plea to salvage her visit. She tried again.

"I mean you have to eat right, even when they work you like a dog?"

The muffled sob coming from the other end of the phone woke up all of Jordan's senses.

"Casey honey, what's wrong? Are you okay? Talk to me Case because this is starting to freak me out."

She could hear Casey's sobs through the phone. Her grip on the small cell phone tightened as did the muscles in her stomach. Suddenly she felt a small hand on her back, rubbing and soothing her through her thin T-shirt. She turned to her lover who mouthed the words, "What's wrong?" to her. Jordan just shrugged, putting the phone to Kate's ear for a few seconds.

"Oh God, Jordan"

"What?!" Jordan tried to whisper.

"Olivia's a cop. Maybe something happened." Jordan reached for Kate's hand finding comfort in it.

"Casey, honey, I know you're upset, but you have to talk to me or I'm going to put down this phone and hop on a plane to New York right now. Do you hear me?"

"I'm sorry Jordan," Casey's response sounded rough and raw.

"I don't mean to scare you and you certainly do not have to get on a plane. I just…let's just say there is no longer any reason for you to come down for a visit."

"Is it Olivia? Is she alright? Are you guys okay?"

"There isn't an 'us' anymore, you see, so no one for you to meet." She tried to sound nonchalant and failed miserably.

"What did she do?"

That reaction, so clearly and irrevocably Jordan made Casey laugh a little.

"It's complicated and in some insane way, I don't even blame her. It just…."

Jordan's grip on the phone became even tighter as she heard Casey's sobs on the other line. She was going to hop on a plane as soon as this phone call was over and go to New York and kick Olivia Benson's ass.

After some minutes, she heard Casey's voice again, "I'm sorry I keep doing that. I haven't really talked about this to anyone yet."

"You want to tell me what happened."

"Well, it's kind of complicated," she paused trying to calm her nerves. "Did I ever tell you how I got my position?"

"Um…sure. You got promoted because they recognized your hard work and intelligence."

Casey smiled. To her friend the world was not complicated. It was black and white and quite simple and for her, promotions were achieved by being good at your job.

"Well I certainly hope so, but it was more like I was a victim of circumstance. The previous ADA was a woman named Alexandra Cabot." She paused to take a deep breath before continuing.

"I had heard of Alex. She was known at the DA's office as a very smart up and comer. There were rumors that she wanted to be the youngest DA in the state of New York. There were all of these mysterious circumstances surrounding her, but we were told that she was killed by a drug lord she was trying to prosecute. I literally walked in one morning and my boss told me that I should turn over all of my cases in White Collar crimes to some newbie and that I was being transferred to SVU. I wasn't really sure I wanted to work in sex crimes, but after some prodding from my boss I agreed to stay. Eventually, I found I really liked it. In some strange way it's become home."

"Olivia's a detective there, right?"

"Yeah and boy was she hostile when she first met me. I didn't understand it at the time." She paused to catch her breath. She hadn't talked about this to anyone, but it was a relief to do so.

"Then one day Alexandra Cabot, who everyone (including me) believed was dead, walked into my office right out of the Witness Protection Program, apparently ready to testify in a case I was trying. The man we were prosecuting had a connection to the drug lord that tried to take her out and she had some damning testimony. So, I got to meet the great Alexandra Cabot and when I saw her and Olivia together I understood why Olivia had been so hostile to me. Olivia was in love with her and while Alex certainly didn't share her likes or dislikes with me, it was obvious that she had feelings for Olivia that went way beyond professional and seemed a little more than friendly. I had replaced her so it was natural that Olivia would not like me."

Jordan wasn't sure where this story was going, but she was content to listen even as watched Kate looking up flights on her laptop.

"It was interesting to observe them, but it also hijacked whatever ideas I might have had about Olivia's interest in me." She took another pause. "Not that I ever thought she was seriously interested in me. Anyway, Alex testified. She was brilliant and then she disappeared into Witness Protection again. Olivia was devastated. I offered what comfort I could, but at the time we weren't that close.

"Somewhere along the way everything changed between us. To me it changed so fast, I barely had time to catch my breath and no matter how many times I told myself that it was all a mistake, that I was setting myself up…in the end I gave Olivia my heart anyway. But last night…last night…"

Jordan was afraid to say anything. She could feel Casey's pain through the phone. When nothing else seemed to be forthcoming from Casey, she finished Casey's thought for her.

"Alex came back." It was not a question.

"Yesterday at 11 O'clock at night. She had no apartment, no job, nowhere to stay, but she hopped on a plane and asked the agent in charge of her case to take her to Olivia's door. She showed up as we were getting ready for bed."

"How did Olivia react?" asked Jordan.

"I think she was in shock, but… she was happy. I didn't know what to do. I asked her if it was over between us and she told me she didn't know. So I left."

"And she just let you leave?"

"Yes, she let me leave. And then of course, because the DA's office feels like they owe something to the great Alexandra Cabot, they gave her her old job back today."

"They freaking fired you?!"

"Not exactly…at least not yet. I was instructed to turn over half of my caseload to her and told that they were trying to find a new position for me and oh that I shouldn't feel like I was being pushed out." Her eyes involuntarily rested on the laptop in front of her and the case summaries she was working on.

"Have you spoken to Olivia?"

"Oh yeah, she called me this afternoon to ask me to come out to celebrate the return of Alex with them."

"Freaking bitch! What the hell?"

"Relax Jordan. I have no one to blame but myself. I knew this was going to happen. I knew it and I did it anyway."

"So that's it? You're just going to step aside? I can't believe this Casey. This isn't like you."

"Jordan, I could barely compete with the ghost of Alex, let alone the real thing. Besides, if I'm going to fight, I'd like it to be for someone who wants to be with me for me, not just as a consolation prize. Olivia has made her choice," she said. The last part was barely a whisper.

"I'm going to fly out anyway."

"Really Jordan, I'm not sure that's such a good idea. I will be absolutely lousy company."

"You're usually lousy company. I'm coming."

"Just think about not coming okay? I'm fine, really. I'll…cope."

"You'll see me tomorrow. Now get something to eat, and try to get some rest okay?"

"I'll try. Thanks for calling and for listening. It really helped."

Casey hit end on her phone. It felt good to talk to someone and she was glad that Jordan had called. She wondered briefly if Olivia would call tonight. _Of course she won't,_ her mind answered. She turned her attention back to the case summaries. Work would stave off the memories, the what-ifs, and other meanderings of her mind. Maybe if she did them slowly enough, she could work on them all weekend.


	7. Chapter 7

**An Honest Choice**

Title: An Honest Choice  
Author: Rosie Cruz  
Pairing: Casey/Olivia  
Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction. The characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. I just like to play with them. The story however is purely a creation of my imagination.

2007 © ROBC. The characters of Olivia Benson, Casey Novak, Elliot Stabler, John Munch, Fin, Cragen and Kathy Stabler belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. The story however is mine. All rights reserved. Copies of this may be printed for personal use only. No part of this story may be reproduced or reused for any other purpose without prior written permission.

Author's Note: Our two ladies will be done with the trips down memory lane soon and for those Olivia/Casey fans out there worried about Alex/Olivia love scenes, there won't really be any Alex/Olivia scenes that a hardcore fan might object to, so hang in there if you can. It all works out in the end, right?

Chapter 6

**Saturday Morning - Casey's Apartment**

Hours after she had spoken to Jordan, Casey was still doing case summaries or trying to anyway. She looked up from her place on the couch trying to avert her eyes from the picture frame that represented all that was left of her relationship with Olivia. She had not been able to divulge herself of the habit all evening. Every time she looked up, ostensibly to check the time, her eyes were drawn to the spot where the picture stood, wherever that happened to be. She tried moving it from the coffee table and placing it on the entertainment center that held her television, and then on the windowsill. Interestingly she had not been able to put it away and out of sight. That would have been too obvious a solution.

The gesture always seemed comforting at first, as it reminded her that she and Olivia had been happy. But then the reality of the situation invaded those warm thoughts and she had to quickly avert her gaze and look at the time. She had not eaten, only managing the orange juice earlier and a few cups of coffee since then. Drinking so much damn coffee had been a habit that she picked up while working with SVU. There was always a pot of coffee brewing at the station.

1:13 am.

_I should go to bed_, she thought.

She set her laptop on the coffee table and proceeded to begin the shutdown process, gathering the papers that had spread all around her as she listened to the whirring noises of the laptop. When she heard the distinctive Microsoft chime that indicated her system had shut down, she leaned back on the couch and closed her eyes. _I have to go into that bedroom and go to sleep._ She tried repeating that message over and over again in her head, hoping her body would comply with the directive, but instead, more memories flooded her consciousness.

_Casey sat frozen, eyes staring straight ahead, hands poised strategically over the keyboard, as still as the quiet eerie night that surrounded her. She was working late…again, but her mind was so far from where it needed to be. Her thoughts were floating, scene after scene, some imagined, others very real drifted in and out of her head like clouds on a breezy day. The thoughts kept engaging her like the brief she was working on could not. It was so much better to think about her, the tall dark haired detective that had somehow buried herself deep in Casey's mind permeating every thought, every sensation, simply everything. She couldn't stop thinking about her and because thoughts about the beautiful woman were often followed by nice tingling sensations, stomach flops and shaking hands, she couldn't stop feeling either. It was like drowning, but in a calm sea, filled with warmth and comfort. Olivia had invaded her and she had been so easily conquered. It was somehow, inexplicably wonderful and annoying all at once. She shook her head, the first sign that she indeed had some control over her physical body, that it wasn't permanently paralyzed by her mind's inability to get Olivia Benson off the brain._

_She closed her eyes and bowed her head slightly, relaxing her fingers and wrists and settling her hands on her desk. 'This has got to stop.' she thought._

_The last time she and Olivia had spent any time together had been on the softball field during practice. Since then, the detective had been consumed by the case that had been unceremoniously dropped on her lap in the middle of whatever was happening between them. For the last two weeks, she and Olivia only had conversations about work. The Wednesday lunches had stopped; there were no impromptu dinners, and the last two Fridays she had found herself strolling up to her apartment, disappointed that there was no one lingering out front. _

_She knew it was the job. She knew rationally that Olivia had been living and breathing this case and that it left little room for anything else. She had handled cases that were all consuming before, so she was not unfamiliar with the phenomena. But her rational mind seemed to be idling at the starting line lately as her overactive hormones and the more irrational out of control emotions raced around and around the track. She was moody. There were times that thoughts of the beautiful detective and the sparks between them distracted her, ruining her concentration. At other times, doubts and insecurities plagued her. Olivia wasn't really interested. Casey wasn't Alex and never would be. Olivia wasn't calling because Casey wasn't smart enough, pretty enough, blond enough._

_Maybe this distance was good. She knew she needed some perspective, some time to rationally and clearly analyze what was happening between them. The potential pitfalls were evident. She wasn't sure what, if anything had happened between Alex and Olivia. Had they parted friends or lovers? Were any promises made? All outward signs notwithstanding, a part of her wondered if Olivia had ever gotten over Alex. Regardless of whether the two had actually shared something beyond friendship, Casey was pretty sure Olivia had been in love with her. _

'_Had been or is?' she frowned. 'This is not helping. Maybe I should just go home.' _

_Having finally made a decision, she rose abruptly from her seat, looking around her office, trying to decide what to take home with her. She was annoyed. This thing with Olivia was starting to get really irritating. She couldn't stop thinking about her, couldn't see her, they hadn't talked, and she couldn't even talk herself out of taking things slow and not getting ahead of herself. She started throwing things in her briefcase roughly, getting angrier and angrier at herself and her inability to control this thing, that as of yet had no name._

'_It was the waiting,' she thought, 'the not knowing what was happening.' It was like someone had pressed pause on the action, but her mind continued to roll, forever thinking and rethinking the situation until she thought she would go crazy with the uncertainty of it all. "Damn it!" she said out loud. She threw her bag on the floor in frustration just barely noting the very solid thump it made as it landed. She let her body flop onto the flimsy couch in her office and threw her head back bringing her arms up to cover her eyes. _

'_Get a freaking grip, Novak. You can't control the fact that she's on a case, so she doesn't have time for you.' _

_She almost missed the soft knock at her door, so caught up in her inner ramblings, but it was persistent enough that she took notice. She sat up alert now, her eyes automatically darting to the wall propping up her bat. She was on her feet and reaching for it, even as she asked who it was. It was a silly question of course, as the door had no locks and whoever it was could simply enter without an invitation from her._

_A dark figure filled the doorway. Casey's whole body began shaking as she lifted her bat higher, preparing for whatever was coming through that door._

"_Casey? Hey, I didn't know if you'd be here, but I thought I'd take a chance. I heard that you've been…Whoa Casey, what are you doing? Are you okay?" _

_The relief flooded her instantly as she recognized Olivia's voice and slowly lowered the bat. Olivia was at her side in an instant, carefully taking the bat and engulfing her in a full body hug. _

"_God, I'm sorry Casey. I didn't mean to scare you. I'm so sorry." _

_Casey's heart, instead of calming itself, beat even faster than it had been seconds before Olivia walked in, when thoughts of Zergin had invaded Casey's consciousness. Her arms instinctually wrapped themselves around Olivia's body. _

"_Oh God," she whispered._

_Olivia's hand was cupping the back of Casey's head, the other running up and down her back. "It's okay. I'm sorry."_

_Casey didn't know her body was capable of feeling so much at once. She was immensely relieved that it had not been another Zergin at the door, but being in Olivia's arms after such a long absence was putting her hormones and emotions into warp drive for completely different reasons. She squeezed Olivia harder, never wanting to let go. _

"_I'm sorry," said Casey. "I just get spooked sometimes. I didn't mean to freak out on you. But just so you know, I may not let go for a while."_

"_It's okay. God Casey, you don't have to apologize to me for scaring you. And frankly…I don't want to stop holding you either."_

_After a few minutes, Casey reluctantly loosened her hold on the detective, stepping back just enough to be able to look at Olivia without letting go entirely, hooking her fingers together around Olivia's waist and effectively locking her in. _

"_What are you doing here anyway?"_

_Olivia looked up, seeming unsure of something. The hand that had been cupping Casey's head was now tangled in Casey's auburn locks. Olivia let out a nervous breath. She met Casey's eyes, searching for and finding the thinly veiled desire that matched her own and unconsciously licked her lips. _

"_What am I doing here?" she repeated Casey's question, her eyes never leaving Casey's face. _

_Not waiting for a response and with hopeful eyes that closed as they moved closer, she brought both hands to cup Casey's face and leaned in, gently brushing Casey's lips. Casey's response was immediate. She leaned in closer, encouraging Olivia to deepen the kiss. Olivia did and Casey was in heaven, her heart pounding; her legs shaky. She gave in to Olivia's kiss heedless of the idle warnings of her rational mind: that Olivia was not ready for this, that she herself wasn't, that there were too many things yet uncertain. Somehow Olivia's hands made their way to Casey's waist and Casey's arms found their way around Olivia's neck both women pulling their bodies closer. Needing a moment to breathe, the kiss slowed to gentle nibbling until they reluctantly pulled away; their heads leaned forward still touching, drawn together by the need to remain in physical contact, while they caught their breath. Casey's arms were still wrapped around Olivia's neck. Olivia's right hand reached up to touch the arm resting comfortably on her shoulder as if wanting reassurance that it would stay. Their ragged breathing sounded loud in the silence. Neither woman spoke, content to hold each other for as long as they could._

"_That's why I'm here," Olivia finally said, her voice sounding hoarse and almost unrecognizable. _

"_What?" asked Casey, slightly confused. '_

_Seeing the confusion on Casey's face, Olivia tried to elaborate._

"_You asked why I was here. That's why I'm here."_

"_I did?" _

_Olivia did not answer right away. She leaned in and found Casey's still swollen lips and kissed her again. She pulled back wanting to be sure that this was okay with Casey, that she was alright with the leap their relationship had taken in just a few short minutes. What she saw made her heart thump even louder. Casey's lips were open, her breathing still ragged and she was staring at Olivia's lips with a hunger that Olivia found very hard to resist. _

_Casey closed her eyes, wanting to calm herself not wanting those inviting beautiful lips to encourage her to fulfill one of the many fantasies she had that involved her office and the gorgeous detective that had just kissed her senseless. She gathered up the few wits she had left, but couldn't resist the urge to hug Olivia again. _

"_So you came all the way up here, looking for me, so you could scare the bejeezus outta me and then kiss me senseless?"_

"_I didn't mean to scare you, but yes, I very much…" Olivia kissed her "wanted to kiss you." She kissed her again. "The thought of it has been driving me nuts for the last two weeks. Or the thought of you was driving me nuts. I'm not sure what the difference is there. I'm sorry we didn't talk more, I just got caught up in this case and there didn't seem to be enough time in my day. Most days I stopped working, it was way too late to call or have dinner. God the thought of not seeing you was starting to make me sick. So…"_

_She took Casey's hand and led her to the sofa where she promptly sat down and pulled Casey down with her. "I thought I'd stop by because I decided when I woke up this morning, that no matter what, I wanted to see you. But more than that, I've wanted to kiss you for so long that I was afraid if I didn't, I was going to go crazy. So I had to do it. That and I think Elliot would have killed me if I didn't. I think I was driving him nuts too." She smiled and kissed Casey's hand._

"_Well I'm glad you stopped by detective. God, I am so glad you stopped by. I've wanted to kiss you for a long time too."_

"_How long?" _

"_Since 'who the hell are you?' Do you remember?" said Casey beaming at Olivia._

_Olivia frowned. "Casey, that was… I'd prefer it if you didn't remember that," answered Olivia shifting uncomfortably. _

"_Of course I remember it. That's when we met." _

_Olivia's eyes turned serious._

"_Can I say I'm sorry, that I was a complete ass, and that I could not have been more wrong about someone?"_

'_Ah, guilt,' thought Casey. She could fix that. _

_Casey straddled her. Olivia was surprised at the movement but recovered quickly letting her hands settle on Casey's hips as Casey leaned forward stopping just inches from Olivia's mouth. "Yes, you can. But I was pretty obnoxious myself, so I'm sorry too, okay?"_

"_Anything you say counselor," said Olivia as she closed the remaining distance between them for yet another kiss._

_Moments later, they were on the couch, side by side, breathing extremely hard. Olivia reached for Casey's hand. _

"_We need to talk," she said._

_Casey didn't know whether to be nervous or not. She looked down at their intertwined hands and thought about the very heavy make-out session they'd just had and the abrupt way she had to end it lest it get out of control. She tried to stem the panic, but her fears and insecurities were biting at the edges of her consciousness._

"_Okay." Casey started to pull her hand away, frowning and wondering how something so wonderful could all of a sudden look so ominous. But Olivia didn't let go. _

_She held on to Casey's hand, seeming concerned at the growing confusion on Casey's face._

"_Hey" She placed her fingers under Casey's chin forcing her head up and then she leaned in and kissed her again. If she was going to say something further, it got lost in the kiss just like Casey's fears. The effect was quite magical. Casey relaxed into Olivia's embrace. After a few moments, Olivia pulled away smiling. _

"_I take it you haven't eaten?"_

"_What?" said Casey still floating in the erotic haze of that last kiss and all of the other kisses they had shared tonight. _

"_How about if we pick up some Chinese food and go to my place? I haven't had a decent meal since I started this case and my guess would be that you probably skipped dinner too."_

_Casey's mind was slowly clearing. "Yeah that sounds great," she said eager now for the rest of the night. They rose simultaneously from the couch, hands still clasped together. _

"_And then we can have that talk," said Olivia._

_Casey could not help the nervous flutters in her stomach at the second mention of a "talk". Her heart was doing more flip flops today than a Russian gymnast. _

"_Am I gonna like this talk?" she asked trying not to sound like the worried school girl she felt like. _

_She stepped over the bag she had packed earlier and went to her computer, reluctantly letting go of Olivia's hand. Olivia was looking around searching for Casey's jacket and bag. As she made her way to the wall hook that held Casey's jacket, her foot caught on something and she found herself sprawled on the floor of Casey Novak's office. _

"_Oh God, are you okay?" asked Casey going to her. _

"_Oh yeah, just feeling a little embarrassed right now. What the hell was on the floor?" she said getting up and dusting her hands off on her denim covered thighs. _

_Casey closed her eyes. "That was my bag. Sorry. I should have told you it was there. Are you sure you're okay?"_

"_I'll be a lot better once we leave. Are you ready?"_

"_Yeah, just let me grab my jacket." Casey jumped up and grabbed her jacket. Olivia reached down for the killer bag and hefted it on her shoulders before both women walked out into the still night. _

Casey woke the next morning on the couch still dressed in her sweats and t-shirt. Apparently her lack of sleep the previous night had finally caught up with her. _That's two nights in a row that you could not make it into that bedroom_, she thought. _Things have to change._ Softball season was supposed start in a few weeks, and Casey took a moment to ponder time. Officially, she and Olivia had been just shy of their 1st year anniversary.

She made her way to the bathroom, locating her toothbrush and finding solace in the fact that she was not so devastated that she still cared about hygiene. She was concentrating on the brushing, hoping to find some respite from thoughts of Olivia, when she heard loud pounding. She spit into the bathroom sink and made her way to the front door.

_What the hell? Who would be able to get past the front door without buzzing the doorbell?_

Figuring it was one of her neighbors, she opened the door without looking through the peep hole. _Olivia would yell at me for that_, she thought as she greeted her visitor.

"Holy Crap! Jordan?"

"Told you I was coming."

The reunion between the two friends was joyful despite the circumstances. They hugged fiercely but it wasn't long before Jordan felt Casey's body shaking. Jordan led Casey down the hall and to the couch, coaxing her to sit and planting herself right next to Casey.

"Tell me about it."

"Oh there's not much more to tell than what I told you last night."

"Have you and Olivia talked yet?"

"No, we haven't and truthfully I'm not sure if I want to right now. I mean…" she paused as she wiped her eyes. "When we have our talk, it'll be all over. Right now, all of this, while I know where it's headed, it still hasn't happened yet, right? Maybe it's crazy, but there is something comforting in that." She stood up now and began walking around the apartment touching various objects as she paced.

"On the other hand, once we have the 'talk,' this waiting, this uncertainty will finally be over and I can start to figure out how to move on…Damn it! It was all so perfect and yet, I knew this would happen. I'm madder at myself than anyone else right now."

"What do you mean by that? That doesn't make sense, because if everything was perfect, this _shouldn't_ be happening and why aren't you mad at her? That BITCH just left at the first sight of another woman!" Jordan spat out angrily. She couldn't believe Casey wasn't furious.

"No. You don't understand. It was perfect as long as everyone imagined that Alex was dead. But you see I knew she wasn't and I knew that despite everything Olivia and I had, she wasn't really over Alex. I doubt whether she could ever get over her. But if Alex was dead, what was the point in worrying about that? So I let myself fall deeply in love with a woman who had never really gotten over someone else. I guess the more I saw of Olivia, the more I convinced myself that she was moving on because she had convinced herself, like me, that Alex was not coming back and that would allow her to give herself to me. She did. I felt it every time we were together and as time passed and we became more a part of each other, it was easier and easier to not even think of Alex at all."

"Look Casey. You're smart. Have always been a helluva of a lot smarter than me, but I think you're off base on this one. If she loved you as much as you love her, then the three of us would be sitting here talking about what a miracle Alex's return was, wishing her the best of luck in life and discussing dinner plans tonight. And you would be in Olivia's arms the whole time. No questions, no doubts, no drama."

"I know." Casey looked unsure. "What I'm telling you is that I knew all along she didn't love me as much as I loved her, because Alex was there first. Alex always had a part of Olivia's heart, while Olivia had _all_ of mine."

A loud buzzing interrupted them. For a split second, Jordan thought it might be Kate, but then the rational part of her brain kicked in. There was no physical way Kate could be at the door unless she had been on the same plane as Jordan. Casey seemed confused as she rose from the couch and made her way to the intercom.

"Who is it?" she spoke into the white console.

"It's me," answered a static filled voice.

Casey froze. For a moment she contemplated not pushing the buzzer.

"Hey, you okay?" Jordan's voice broke into her thoughts.

"Yeah, I'm fine," she said as she pushed the button that would allow Olivia entry.

Casey made her way back to the couch, but did not sit.

"It's her. I guess it's time to face the music." She wiped her eyes trying to will away the tears that seemed to be gathering at an alarming pace. She had to get a hold of herself.

"Do you want me to tell her to leave? You don't have to do this now Casey. I'll kick her out. In fact, I would love to kick her."

Jordan's words helped Casey focus.

_She should be mad. She didn't deserve to be treated like this. Anger would work._

But the soft knock at the door seemed to immobilize her again. Jordan took the initiative. She touched Casey's arm briefly before striding confidently to the door. She opened it with a great deal of force, the anger that had been festering at the edges seemingly coming forth in the pull of her arm.

"What do you want?" she said through gritted teeth, her hands crossed.

Olivia was in shock. She had expected Casey.

_Who the fuck was this woman? She knew everybody Casey knew and she definitely did not know this woman._

"Who the hell are you?" she responded with a tinge of anger.

_Should she be allowed to feel this? _Olivia's thoughts were running wild. _She fucking met someone? In two mother fucking days, she meets somebody and a goon no less? Great, just fucking great!_

"What…do…you...want?" growled Jordan again moving forward and effectively blocking Olivia's view of the room.

She felt warmth behind her as Casey walked up. "It's okay Jordan." Casey touched Jordan's arm with shaky hands. "It's okay."

Jordan didn't think she looked okay. She looked like she was gonna fall apart any minute now. Fighting her instincts and against her better judgment, she relented and stepped back.

The anger seemed to fade from Olivia as soon as she saw Casey standing there trying to hold herself together.

_Jesus, what have you fucking done, Benson?_

"Hello Casey." She gulped not sure if she could get any more words out. She took a deep breath. "I thought we should talk," she said a little surprised that she had managed it. She wondered just how she was going to manage the rest of the conversation.


	8. Chapter 8

**An Honest Choice**

Title: An Honest Choice  
Author: Rosie Cruz  
Pairing: Casey/Olivia  
Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction. The characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. I just like to play with them. The story however is purely a creation of my imagination.

2007 © ROBC. The characters of Olivia Benson, Casey Novak, Elliot Stabler, John Munch, Fin, Cragen and Kathy Stabler belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. The story however is mine. All rights reserved. Copies of this may be printed for personal use only. No part of this story may be reproduced or reused for any other purpose without prior written permission.

Author's Note: At some point the chapters will get shorter again. Thanks to those of you who have submitted reviews. Much appreciated. Might be able to get another chapter out today, but no promises.

**Chapter 8**

Jordan and Casey walked into Casey's tiny apartment a full three hours after Olivia had shown up there. They had left Olivia alone to gather the substantial amount of things she kept at Casey's. They calculated three hours was more than enough time for Olivia to have cleared out. Although Casey tried to put up a brave front, Jordan could feel the sadness radiating off of her. They had gone to a restaurant about six blocks away for a small brunch thing and coffee. At first Jordan had headed for the diner across the street as the most logical eating choice, but Casey had said flatly "No, not there," and that had been that. She figured the restaurant had played some part in Olivia and Casey's courtship or something. She didn't dare ask, unsure of how to exactly handle the fragile attorney, who was barely holding it together, especially after what had happened with Olivia that morning.

Jordan knew her friend was hurting, but she had never been good with this emotional support stuff. Her first instinct had always been to fight and protect. Her anger had been just below the surface that morning but was in full force after Olivia's unannounced little visit. Casey insisted that she stay when Olivia had looked at Jordan and asked for some privacy, and so she did trying to figure out how she could shield Casey from this woman who was hurting her so deeply and vowing to never, ever do this to anyone herself. But Casey had shown resiliency. She barely let Olivia talk.

Casey simply marched up to Olivia, who had been standing awkwardly at the end of the small kitchen after Casey reluctantly let her in. It almost appeared as if Casey was going to walk straight into Olivia's arms and Jordan, having a nice view of both of them from the position she had taken at the entryway to the living room, had seen the worried and almost panicked look on Olivia's face. But Casey turned away at the last minute and reached into the drawer of the small buffet table placed strategically under the window that looked into the galley kitchen. She pulled out a set of keys and placed them on the table before Olivia said a word to her.

"Yours," she said. "You can leave mine here when you're done." She turned to Jordan, "Would you be kind enough to locate some boxes for Olivia? There should be some in my storage space in the basement." She reached into the drawer again and pulled out a single key handing it to Jordan. Jordan was about to say that Olivia needed to get her own damn boxes, but noticed the look on Casey's face. She was barely holding it together. She wanted this over with, so instead Jordan answered with a "sure" and walked up the hallway and out the door.

When she returned, the two women were still standing in the same positions as when she had left. Casey's face was dry but contorted from trying to hold in her emotions.

"Here you go," said Jordan, practically throwing the boxes at Olivia. Olivia didn't even flinch, letting the boxes fall to the floor in front of her. Her hands were in her pockets, her gaze focused on Casey who had her arms crossed and was looking away, a very distant look in her eyes.

"We'll be back in a few hours," were the only words Casey directed at Olivia. After a long silence, where nothing seemed to happen, she uncrossed her arms, and walked past Olivia and out the door. Jordan followed shortly after stopping to pick up their jackets. With one final glare in Olivia's direction, she closed the door behind her.

About a block from Casey's apartment, the tears started to flow. Jordan put her arm around Casey's shoulders and led her into the entryway of a shop that was apparently opening late today, and just held on to the crying woman, her anger growing every minute. After a few moments, Casey lifted her head, apologized and continued walking. They ended up at a place called Tom's which had decent pie and coffee. After her second cup, Casey told her what had happened when she left the room. Her voice was flat again and she spoke slowly as if she had to fight for control with every breath.

"She told me Alex was staying with her. That she was sorry. I think I believe her too. Isn't that just fucking great? I can't even be angry at her, because I know she never wanted to hurt me."

Jordan wanted to scream, "But she did!" Instead she held her tongue content for the moment with just listening, sensing that Casey wouldn't really hear anything she said anyway.

"That was it. I didn't ask her if they've slept together and she didn't offer. She offered no explanations. She just kept saying she was sorry that this was happening." Casey paused. "I wanted to yell at her, you know. I wanted to just scream that it didn't have to be happening, that she could choose me. But that really wouldn't be fair to her or Alex."

"Fuck Alex!"

Casey looked up shocked at Jordan's outburst. Jordan usually limited her curse words and she rarely used that one.

"Sorry I didn't mean to blurt that out like that." _Inside thoughts Jordan, inside thoughts!_

"No, I guess it looks kind of different from your perspective. And believe me I have those thoughts too." Casey's voice softened. "But if I had missed out on an opportunity to be with Olivia due to circumstances beyond my control and I was given a chance to get that back, I would try too. I would have too."

"But what if, when you came back, Olivia was happy? You're telling me that you would come in and ruin that?"

"Well I…" she paused giving the question some thought. "Sure, I would take that into consideration. All I want is Olivia's happiness." Her eyes seemed distant. "I thought we were happy."

"Exactly! If the tables were turned and you found Olivia had moved on and found someone that made her happy, you would not interfere."

"Well, if she was happy, I guess not."

"That's the difference between you and Alex. And by god, right now I am not thinking good thoughts about Olivia either because if she can't see that, then she doesn't deserve you!"

"You don't understand Jordan. It's like…Alex came back from the dead or something. Anyway it will all be over soon. Well except for the part where I have to see both of them at work daily. Joy. Hopefully I'll be transferred and then this nightmare will be over with and I'll be…well, on my own, I guess."

For about the tenth time that day, Jordan wished Kate was with her.

"You are not alone. It just feels like that right now."

Casey knew that was true, she had had a life before Olivia, albeit not much of one, and maybe she would have one after. "Will you go with me to pick up my stuff at her place? I'm going to ask her to name a time today when she, I guess _they_ will be out of the apartment, but I'd feel better if you came with me."

"Of course, hey any batting cages around here?" For the first time since Jordan had arrived, Casey gave her a genuine smile. It was a weak smile, but that was progress.

After an hour at the cages, they made their way back to Casey's apartment. The batting practice had done wonders for Jordan's temper. She had imagined every ball as Olivia's head and been able to get out some of her aggression. She thought Casey had benefited too. She had not been hitting the balls as hard as Jordan, but she set a good pace and rarely missed one.

The rhythm of the cages had indeed soothed Casey. It created a place where she could concentrate without too much effort and allowed her to clear her mind of the hurt and pain; of the uncertainty she seemed to find herself in and of thoughts of the future. The questions that had been plaguing her since Thursday night had receded, replaced by the mechanical sounds of the machine and the thwack of bats. She realized afterward that she had really needed that respite. She looked over at her friend thankful for her presence, and especially thankful for the stubbornness that had gotten her to New York today.

And now, here they were in Casey's slightly emptier apartment. Jordan volunteered to call Olivia and set up a time when they could go and pick up Casey's stuff. While Casey wanted to be strong and call Olivia herself, she relented at the last minute and let Jordan make the call.

"She said 5 o'clock. I thought that would be okay. We should stop at an office supply store and pick up more boxes or do you want me to do that now?" said Jordan from the kitchen. When Jordan received no response she raised her voice slightly, "Casey?"

She walked into the living room where Casey stood stiff as a board her gaze fixated on a spot on the coffee table. Her eyes filled, the tears, flowing freely down her cheeks, her arms unmoving seemed to be as frozen as the rest of her body.

"Casey honey, what's wrong?" Jordan went to her and placed a hand lightly on Casey's arm. That seemed to jump start her and her whole body wheeled around to face Jordan.

"She took it," she said with force - the first real signs of anger Jordan had witnessed. "She fucking took it!"

"Okay, what did she take?"

"The picture," she said as she made her way to her cellphone still lying on the couch where she had left it the previous night. She picked it up and started punching in numbers, but before she got to the end, she hurled the phone at the wall. It exploded on impact, pieces of plastic flying in all directions, the clunky battery sliding under the couch. Casey sat back on the couch and sobbed. Jordan went to her and once again placed a protective arm around Casey's shoulder.

"I have to stop this," Casey said. She lifted her head from Jordan's shoulder and leaned back against the couch.

"Honey, I know this is hard to hear, but this too shall pass."

"I hope so or before this is over, I will have destroyed my apartment and alienated my friends. God why can't I stop this? I feel like crying all the time. Jordan, I…I'm in physical pain. I feel it in my heart. It aches and I can't stop it. I have never felt this type of pain Jordan. What am I going to do? I can't stop thinking about her, thinking about how stupid I've been. I've got to get this under control."

"And you will, but hon, it doesn't happen overnight. It hasn't even been two full days yet. Give yourself a break. Plus, you keep trying to hold everything in and I'm not sure that's the best way to handle this."

Casey leaned forward on the couch, her fists tightly clenched in her lap.

"I know, but what else can I do? Jordan, I have to go to work on Monday. I have to hand over my files to the woman who has taken away my happiness. I have to be able to talk about cases with her, ask her for help, be willing to help her, and act professional. I have to do this without thinking about what she has taken from me. She has Olivia's heart and I have to talk to Olivia like she hasn't broken mine. I have to be able to prepare her as a witness. I have talk to her about what I need to be able to prosecute a case. I have to do all of that without crying or breaking down. I need to learn how to do that before Monday. How am I going to do that?"

"You will, but right now you don't have to do that. You aren't at work and if you happen to see Olivia or Alex between now and Monday, you have my permission to stomp on Alex's foot and punch Olivia in the mouth. And you don't have to be afraid to cry around me. That's why I'm here, okay."

Watery eyes looked at her. "Thank you."

"So, what did she take?" asked Jordon rubbing Casey's neck in an attempt to soothe.

Casey hung her head. "There was a picture that Kate took last summer. You remember my friend Kate, right?"

Jordan averted her eyes. "Yeah, I remember her; cute, gorgeous green eyes, kind of petite. Sure I remember."

"I guess you do."

Casey gave her a quizzical look and was about to question her further when Jordan said, "So Kate took this picture and...?"

"It was during a trip Olivia and I took together. Our first trip actually. I wanted to show her San Francisco. Kate offered us a place to stay and well, there was no way I could say no to that. She has an awesome place."

"Oh yeah"

Again Casey looked at her, a slight frown on her face.

"I mean, yeah I bet she has an awesome place," Jordan corrected.

"Right, anyway it was my favorite picture of us. I was sitting here staring at it last night before you called. It made me sad, but she captured such a great moment that it also reminded me that we were once happy."

"Well I'm sure Kate probably has another one. But if not, we'll just get it back. It's yours right?"

"I used to think of it as ours." She was silent for a while. "I'll call Kate tomorrow and ask her if she has another one….I wonder why Olivia would want it?"

"I don't know," said Jordan. "Listen Case, I was on a plane for half the night and those little planes they use at night are not good for tall people, so I didn't get much sleep. From what I could tell this morning, I don't think you slept much either, so do you think we could try to take a nap? I'll take the couch here and you can sleep in your comfy bed."

"Gosh I'm so sorry. Of course you can nap, but um…why don't you take the bed. It will be much more comfortable and that way I can try to lull myself to sleep with a little television."

"Are you really going to try to sleep?" Jordan asked seriously.

"I promise I'll try, but I can't seem to sleep in that bed these days." She smiled that weak smile again.

Jordan was too tired to argue, so she relented, picking up her bag and carrying it into Casey's bedroom. Later she remembered having random thoughts about why Kate had not yet called to announce that she was coming, but the drowsiness that settled over her as soon as her head hit the pillow chased the thoughts from her mind.

Out in the living room, Casey was finding it hard to sleep. Every time she closed her eyes, the memories flooded in. After 45 minutes of waging a losing battle, she gave in and let them come. The memory of their first kiss was still fresh in her mind so it was only natural that her thoughts automatically turned to the rest of that magical night.

As Casey struggled with memories, Olivia sat in a booth in the diner across the street. It had been the first place they had ever had dinner and it was special to Olivia. She sat deep in thought, her hands curled around a cup of hot coffee, her eyes seemingly glued to Casey's living room window. The boxes she had half-heartedly packed from Casey's apartment were in her car. She had no plans to move them. The truth was she had no plan at all but to sit in this booth, continue to sip her coffee and think about what she was losing. She couldn't help it. She also could not help where her mind was constantly wandering to, but she was unsurprised to find herself reliving the night of their first kiss. So much had changed that night.

_The ride to the Chinese take- out place had been pleasant, but Casey had noticed that the closer they were to reaching their destination, the quieter Olivia became. They were still holding hands, but Olivia had withdrawn into herself again. When she couldn't stand the silence any longer, Casey began questioning._

"_Liv, are you okay? You seem a little quiet."_

_Olivia brought their joined hands toward her mouth, kissing Casey's knuckles and smiling._

"_Everything's perfect."_

_Casey was unconvinced, but she was at a loss as to how to approach this particular interrogation. As they pulled up to the restaurant, she leaned into the driver's seat until she was practically in Olivia's lap and kissed her. Olivia let out a moan as her free hand reached around to cup Casey's head. Reluctantly, Casey pulled away, a huge grin on her face._

"_I'm not letting you out of this car until you tell me why you've been so quiet," she said in a low seductive whisper._

_Olivia had been shaken. The kiss, while very welcome, had come so unexpectedly, that it had thrown her and she had to take a moment to re-orient herself. When the fog lifted she managed to get the conversation back on track._

"_Some things are better left unsaid Casey. It's no big deal, okay?" She smiled. "Don't worry, I'll tell you, just not right now."_

"_Why not?" Casey leaned back into her seat, a bit perplexed. _

_She didn't know what to make of this situation. All outward signs indicated that the night was going very well. She was getting to see Olivia after a long absence, they had finally kissed, and then kissed some more, and unless she was seriously mistaken, Olivia had enjoyed the kisses as much as she had. But Olivia had given her the ominous, "We need to talk" line and now it was clear that she had something on her mind that she did not want to share with Casey – at least for the moment._

_She looked out her window, not wanting Olivia to see the insecurities that still, after all this time, plagued her. It was Alex. It had to be Alex. Her arms were crossed and she couldn't help the cold shiver that went through her body. She felt Olivia's warm hand on her shoulder and then softly on her neck, but did not turn to her. _

"_Hey Casey, it's no big deal okay. I'm going to go in and get our food alright?" _

_Receiving no response Olivia decided she needed to lighten the mood. She could understand why the attorney was a bit concerned, but she was not about to reveal that her silence stemmed from her worry over the very inappropriate request she wanted to make of Casey. She had missed her so much while she was working on the case and now that she was going to be able to spend a few hours with her, she wanted to extend it. She wanted to ask Casey to spend the night, but she was pretty sure they weren't ready for the expectations that came with overnight visits. She had been trying to figure out a way to ask Casey to stay with her tonight without sounding like she wanted sex. Sex would be nice, but she wasn't sure either of them was ready for that. They had been taking this relationship slow and she liked that pace. It was just this irrational need to be with Casey that was messing with the slow pace they had developed. But Casey had been hurt by her seeming lack of forthrightness. 'Were all new relationships fraught with these landmines?' _

_In an effort to diffuse the tension, the hand that had been kneading Casey's neck started traveling town her arm, the barest touch, slow and calculating. She was searching for the faintest twitching of the skin, a sure sign that such a spot, if enticed would elicit at least a giggle from the attorney. Her fingers slowed down as they approached Casey's side and there it was, small, almost unnoticeable, but definitely there - a twitch. Deft fingers went to work and soon Casey was laughing and squirming all over the seat, her hands trying desperately to quell Olivia's fingers, which danced back and forth from the original spot to other tickle spots found by accident. _

"_Oh God, stop please," Casey begged in between bouts of laughter. _

_Olivia gentled her touch and just held on to Casey with one hand, the other stroking her cheek and trying to convey with her eyes, all the things she was not yet ready to say. 'Trust me_,_'_ _those eyes begged_. _'I won't hurt you.'_

"_Come on, come in the restaurant with me. I would leave you out here, but you're too cute and someone might steal you."_

_Casey smiled as she opened the car door. 'Let it go. Just let it go_,_'_ _she thought. But she just couldn't do it. Deciding to play a few games of her own, she quickly made her way to the front of the car as Olivia walked towards the sidewalk. She was in Olivia's personal space, but the smile on her face belayed any malicious intent. _

"_I'll get it out of you detective. It's what I do, you know."_

_She made a feeble attempt to thwart Olivia's forward motion, but Olivia kept moving, albeit more slowly until Casey felt the curb at the back of her feet. For a moment she thought she might topple, but Olivia's strong hands on her waist effectively prevented her from losing her balance. She hurriedly scrambled onto the sidewalk, only to find a strong pair of arms guiding her back to and up against the car door she had just exited. When she finally achieved some semblance of balance, Olivia was in her space, that mouth perilously close to hers._

"_You really want to know, Casey?" _

_Casey could feel the heat from Olivia's body as she leaned against her._

"_Are you sure you want to know?" she repeated._

_The conversation had moved from lighthearted to intense in a matter of seconds. Gone were the playful eyes that danced with mirth. They were replaced by orbs that spoke volumes of longing and desire and something else Casey did not recognize. She was drawn in so easily. Only one response would quench the thirst in Casey's soul._

"_Yes," she whispered never taking her eyes off the brown ones that bore into her, swallowing her whole._

"_I want you to spend the night with me." _

_The revelation sent shock waves through Casey. _

_Olivia's brain finally caught up with her emotions and she stepped back abruptly giving Casey room. She ran her hand through her hair trying to buy herself some time to think. She shook her head violently and finally looked up. Casey had not moved from the car door that she had been plastered against just moments earlier. Her features seemed frozen as her face registered the shock of Olivia's words._

"_I'm sorry Casey." She looked down at the ground focusing on the cracks in the sidewalk, wanting to shrink and fall into one of them._

"_I didn't mean to put pressure on you or anything. Just forget…"_

"_Yes," Casey interrupted._

"…_I said anything. Just tired I guess. I just thought we could…I don't know…talk or …I know we're not ready…"_

"_Yes," this time the declaration came a little louder._

"…_for you know…that and um…aw hell." She finally paused to take a break as her mind processed the events of the last few minutes._

'_Wait a minute…Did you just say yes?"_

_It was adorable to watch Olivia rambling like a nervous kid trying to get a date to the prom. Casey managed to push herself off the car door and take a few steps towards Olivia, slowly, but with full knowledge and confidence in her actions, stepping into Olivia's space. Her arms lifted automatically and wrapped themselves around Olivia's neck and shoulders, while Olivia's arms encircled her waist. What followed after was so obvious and natural and so very right that both women become lost in the moment, no logical thought invaded their world, only raw pure feeling. The kiss was not like the shy exploratory kisses they had shared at Casey's office or in the car. It was something so much more and both women felt it. Olivia felt like she was becoming a part of Casey and to her surprise that idea didn't bother her in the least. The rightness of it astonished Casey as did the flaming desire she had to hold on to this moment for eternity. _

_When they were able to pull away from each other, it was done slowly and reluctantly. Olivia was shaking, which she could not understand in the least because the last thing she felt was cold. She wanted to crawl inside this woman and never come out. In that moment, she knew there could be no holding back where Casey was involved. She didn't think she could physically manage to hold back anything from the redhead. _

_Casey was floating. She tilted her head forward to touch Olivia's and concentrated on breathing normally. A part of her wanted to cry. She was so far gone with this woman that she knew it was no longer safe, but the arms holding her close chased those small niggling worries into the corners of her consciousness. Olivia pulled her into an engulfing embrace and she could not help but reciprocate. It was too much to resist and she knew without a doubt that she would take the risk, plunge into this thing with Olivia despite her doubts, despite her fears about just being the one Olivia was settling for. _

_She loosened her hold on Olivia and waited for Olivia to do the same. The wait, was a full ten seconds long, but that only made her smile._

"_I guess we should go get the food." said Olivia when she finally let go of Casey. _

"_Yeah, we should." They smiled as they turned towards the glass doors that said Wang's Chinese Take-Out._

Casey awoke with a start. She didn't know what was worse, not being able to sleep, or sleeping and then having to wake up.

* * *

It was almost 5 o'clock by the time they walked out of Casey's apartment and headed towards Olivia's, folded up moving boxes under their arms. While Casey was usually a stickler about punctuality, she did not want to risk seeing Olivia or Alex, so she had deliberately dragged her feet.

"You know the friend I was telling you about, Kate?" she asked Jordan as they walked.

"Sure," Jordan said, a little too quickly.

"Yeah, Kate. Anyway…" _There it was again, that smile that seemed to light up Jordan's face when she said Kate's name. What the hell was going on with that?_

"Well, she's coming into town. She called while you were napping; said she's been wanting to see her brother, Joshua who just moved here. He's such a goofball. I can't believe he's a doctor."

"Me neither," said Jordan with a chuckle.

Casey slowed down and gave her a quizzical look. "I didn't realize you knew him."

"Um, well I um…I mean I'm sure you and Kate mentioned him when I visited you guys at school. He sounded like a goofball."

Jordan was not meeting her eyes again.

"Right," said Casey. "Her brother's doing his residency at St. Vincent's, so she'll be in town too. I guess we'll have some company. I hope you don't mind. I know you guys haven't always gotten along, but I think it would be nice to have my friends around. I can't thank you enough for today."

"I absolutely do not mind at all," responded Jordan putting her arm around Casey. "And for the record, I like Kate. Always have."

"Right," said Casey. She knew that hadn't always been true, but she couldn't worry about that now. She needed both of her friends.

From her booth across the street, Olivia watched them walk out of Casey's apartment. She knew where they were headed. It didn't matter. She didn't want to go home. She had taken the call from that…person she had met at Casey's apartment earlier from the booth she was sitting in. She had said yes to everything knowing that no one would be in her apartment today. Alex had taken a trip to see friends upstate and she, well she didn't want to go to a place that no longer felt like home.

She had explained to Alex that work had kept her away Friday night and to her surprise, Alex had accepted her explanation without further questions. If she had any worries about the distance Olivia seemed to be putting between them, she hadn't expressed them and Olivia was fine with that. Alex would be away for two nights. Tonight perhaps Olivia would sleep at home. She continued to watch the women until they disappeared around a corner. She sighed heavily and took a sip of cold coffee that matched her spirit perfectly. She placed a few bills on the table and donned her jacket knowing full well it could not ward off the cold that had taken over her entire being. Nothing really could.


	9. Chapter 9

**An Honest Choice**

Title: An Honest Choice  
Author: Rosie Cruz  
Pairing: Casey/Olivia  
Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction. The characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. I just like to play with them. The story however is purely a creation of my imagination.

2007 © ROBC. The characters of Olivia Benson, Casey Novak, Elliot Stabler, John Munch, Fin, Cragen and Kathy Stabler belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. The story however is mine. All rights reserved. Copies of this may be printed for personal use only. No part of this story may be reproduced or reused for any other purpose without prior written permission.

**Chapter 9**

Kate Hart made it to New York late Saturday night and was bowled over by the hurt emanating from Casey. Outwardly, she was showing very few signs of heartache. She wasn't a blithering mess. She wasn't lying in bed nursing her emotional wounds and she wasn't dissolving into tears every 5 minutes. That wasn't Casey's style. No, she had pulled herself together after that difficult trip to Olivia's apartment to get her things. According to Jordan, it had been quick jaunt. Jordan told her that she was sure Casey had left some things behind since she was in and out of rooms so quickly. Casey had also dutifully picked Kate up at the airport insisting on it even after Jordan offered to do it on her own. She even managed to engage in social niceties like awkwardly making introductions with a quick, "I'm sure you gals remember each other." The introduction was hardly necessary, but Casey didn't know that yet and her and Jordan had decided not to tell her. Things were hard enough for Casey without them announcing their own newfound bliss. No, Casey didn't need more difficulties. Even though she was being stoic and strong and all that other crap, Kate could feel the hurt. It made Kate hurt for her, which in turn made it difficult for Kate not to reach out to Jordan for the comfort she knew she would find. It seemed that Jordan was having the same problem.

More than once she caught Jordan unconsciously reaching for her before curling her hands into fists and shoving them deep into her pockets. That made Kate smile that goofy smile that had given her up to her brother the first time she had seen him, after her and Jordan had finally given up on that unrequited love thing and just made out. She had been planning on telling him as soon as she saw him, but he guessed it before she had a complete sentence out. She hoped Casey wasn't as astute, at least for now. He told her later that it had been the smile that she couldn't seem to contain that had given her away. At the time she hadn't care. She was in love. But she wanted to be there for Casey and while she did not like having to hide her relationship with Jordan, this seemed necessary right now, so the goofy smile had to go. This week was about Casey not her and Jordan. It was however incredibly frustrating, especially given all the time they were spending together. At least they had the nights. Jordan had wisely booked a hotel room for them. She told Casey that it would be too crowded if everyone stayed with her and that it would be convenient if she and Kate were in the same hotel. Casey didn't really need to know that they were sharing a room.

For Casey, the weekend turned out better than she could have hoped given how it had started. Having her friends around really helped and when both Kate and Jordan decided to stay through the following Saturday, she could not contain the tears that readily came to her eyes. It was a godsend having them. The weekend had been tough, but a full week of working with Alex and Olivia would have been impossible without Kate and Jordan. It had been like walking on a bed of nails. Luckily her friends were there to hold her hand, cry occasionally and even curse with her.

They were being weird though. Casey was starting to suspect that she was missing something. They hadn't particularly hit it off when they first met. Casey and Kate were friends as well as roommates for all fours years of school, but Kate would all but disappear when Jordan visited Casey. Once they were out of college, things seemed to relax between the two of them on the few occasions they found themselves together. There weren't too many of those occasions, but time and circumstance sometimes conspired to make it happen. She thought about the last time they had all been together. It was more than a year ago when on a whim her and Kate decided to meet up in Vegas. A chance phone from Jordan revealed that she was on assignment in Vegas as well so it was only natural that they hang out. Kate had been all awkward gestures and shy smiles for a lot of that trip.

For a while after that Vegas trip, Casey thought Kate might have a tiny crush on Jordan, but since Kate never vocalized it, Casey figured it wasn't that serious. They would make a cute couple. In fact, she had been surprised that they didn't hit it off from the start. She had even asked Jordan about the possibility once on one of Jordan's many weekend visits to her and Kate's campus, but while Jordan admitted that Kate was cute, she always claimed that she did not do long-distance relationships and besides, Kate obviously didn't like her.

And now they were both acting weird. They seemed to gravitate towards each other and then, like two magnets, abruptly separate. They were almost skittish. It was starting to weird Casey out. That and the knowing smiles they were sharing when they thought she wasn't looking had her suspicious.

_Was it possible they were together?_ _No._ Jordan doesn't do long-distance relationships and with Kate pretty permanently ensconced in California and Jordan in and out of the country most of the time, she didn't think it was very likely. Still they were staying at the same hotel. _Where they staying in the same room?_ She never really bothered to ask, too caught up in her own issues. Well the first order of business was going to be finding out what the hell the deal was with those two.

That Friday night was Kate and Jordan's last night in New York and thus a farewell celebration was in order. They were having Thai, which reminded her of Olivia, well, a lot of things reminded her of Olivia. Kate and Jordan were doing that skittish thing again and frankly it was getting on Casey's nerves.

"So, how long have you two been together?" Casey asked as she dipped chicken satay in peanut sauce.

She didn't know what she was expecting as a response, but she thought she'd give it a shot. When she heard nothing but her own chewing Casey guessed she hit a nerve. She looked at the two of them. They were staring at their food, refusing to look up.

"Come on guys, this is starting to freak me out. What is going on with you two?"

"Um, well…" she heard Jordan start to speak and then blow out a breath as she finally raised her head, still avoiding Casey's eyes.

Her arm went almost automatically around Kate's chair. Kate put her fork down, picked it up again, looked at it as if it were a foreign object and then pushed her food around on her plate, before leaning back in her chair to land perfectly in the crook of Jordan's arm.

Casey's mouth opened. _Oh my god_, she thought. _They're freaking together!_ She shook her head.

"Wait a minute. You guys are really together as in together-together?"

Jordan spoke first.

"Yeah, look, we wanted to tell you…"

"A long time ago," interrupted Kate, "but well we wanted to be sure that this was the real thing before we told you. I mean if it didn't work out, we didn't want to put you in the middle of anything."

Jordan looked momentarily confounded at the statement and then a full out grin crept onto her face. Apparently Kate's talk about the real thing had an effect on her. Casey smiled at the two of them. She remembered how it felt to be falling hopelessly in love. It all made sense now. The smiles, the looks, and the closeness between them that Casey had definitely not remembered being there before.

"I think it's great," she said her eyes twinkling from the tears threatening to fall.

Kate and Jordan looked at each other and then at her as if they couldn't believe how well she was taking the news. Kate spoke first.

"Casey we're sorry, we just didn't want to…you know…"

"Flaunt your happiness in front of me?" she asked her face contorting momentarily before she forced it into a smile.

"I'm happy for you, really happy."

She reached for their joined hands now resting on the table. She wanted to smile, to laugh, to ask them how they got together and a million other questions. She wanted to tease them mercilessly and be happy. She tried. She really tried to go to that place where she could be so happy for them that everything else was inconsequential. But she couldn't. Not yet. She squeezed their joined hands, but she had to look away lest she lose it right there.

"I'm really happy for you guys, really," she said in a shaky voice.

She breathed deeply and then turned back to them, another forced smile on her face.

"My emotions are a bit jumbled; otherwise you would know exactly how happy I am for you."

It was their turn to smile. Kate leaned over and kissed Casey on the cheek. "Thank you," she said. "I know how hard all of this is for you."

Casey waved her off. "No it's not. Not really."

She was starting to get her composure back. That was good.

"I am happy for you. And I want to hear all about…," she hesitated, "this," she finished, pointing at the two women with her chopsticks.

"My sadness is not about you, never about you. My emotions are just…not in balance right now, so it isn't always easy for me to produce the right one."

She was smiling again. Her friends looked happy. They were happy and she would be happy for them. She had to be.

"So tell me all about it."

"Yes please do tell this fascinating story for the hundredth time."

Casey looked up as a handsome young man made himself at home, pulling up a chair, plopping down, and picking food off of Kate's plate. He looked around at the shocked faces.

"What?"

"Rude. He has always been so rude. Hope Sarah can fix that," said Kate as she tried to remove her food from his reach.

She needn't have worried; a glare from Jordan halted him in his tracks, so he turned his attention to Casey.

"Hey Casey, how's it going?"

Casey burst out laughing. Kate's brother certainly knew how to make an entrance.

* * *

The evening was a success. The interactions between Kate and her brother kept Casey laughing. She realized as they were finally walking out of the restaurant that she had not thought about Olivia in two hours. Oh the pain was still there. She doubted that would go away and as soon as she relaxed, there would be Olivia again in her thoughts, but she was grateful for the two hours in which she had not had to concentrate on her pain. She was beat and ready to go home, but since it was the last night Kate and Jordan would be in town, Josh thought some dancing was in order and he knew just the place. A buddy of his had told him about a bar in Manhattan.

Although Josh had had very little free time, he was happy to spend whatever time he had with Kate, Jordan and Casey over the past week. With his fiancé still finishing her internship in Chicago, a guy got lonely. Jordan was a blast and since her and Kate had finally given in to their mutual attraction, his sister had also become way more fun - not that she wasn't usually, but somehow she was different now; more carefree, like she had finally found her place in the world.

He liked Casey too and had been just as angry as his sister when she gave him the condensed version of the Cabot/Benson/Novak triangle or CBN as he referred to it. Even though she looked fine to him, he knew his sister was worried that Casey was holding too much in.

He was enjoying the walk, especially with the dose of warm weather they seemed to be getting. The whole story had reminded him of his first love and the horrible lump that seemed to permanently set up residence in his stomach when she had told him that she had met someone else. They had been in different cities, so the long distance thing was difficult, but he never expected it to end. He thought she was the one. When she broke the news, he felt like such a failure. He always knew he would find true love. He never once doubted that, always assuming he would have what his parents had. He thought he had found that with Eileen, but he had been dead wrong and at the time it seemed like such a harsh lesson to learn.

He remembered too that he felt so undesirable after being dumped unceremoniously. He didn't know how Casey felt, but he imagined that at least part of her felt undesirable too. He knew exactly how to get over that.

"So where we going?" asked Jordan her hand casually draped over Kate.

"This buddy of mine told me about a bar. Lots of his coworkers hang out there, but it seems that there's no dancing. He likes it, says it's a great place, has music and a very small dance floor, but no one ever dances. I think he just wants an excuse to be able to… you know touch a girl." He grinned like he was twelve years old and continued walking. "Anyway, I thought it might be good place to go shake things up."

Casey was barely listening to their conversation, heck she was barely paying attention to where they were going. She had promised to come out with them on their last night, but she wouldn't stay long. She was so immersed in her own thoughts that she walked into O'Malley's before realizing that she had been there countless times.

Her senses were overloaded as soon as the hazy smoke hit her and she knew exactly where she was. She looked around panicked and considered running out the door. Her friends were busy scoping out the place, looking for an empty table. Josh located his buddy and they all moved in that direction. Once again she considered walking out, but that would be cowardly. She didn't have much time to ponder, so she just went with the flow and followed her friends.

She did not dare glance at the table she knew was most probably populated with the squad, people she had once thought of as friends. She had stayed away from the station as much as possible in the last week, preferring to communicate by telephone or email. Elliot became her main contact. When she did venture to the station, usually to talk to Cragen, she kept her head down, not wanting to really talk to Olivia or face the pitying looks she thought she might get from the squad.

They were taking their seats now with Josh's buddy, she supposed. She couldn't tell as her head was still down. Kate's face materialized seemingly under her.

"Hey, you okay?" she asked her head bent awkwardly so she could look up at Casey.

Casey lifted her head. She ran her hands through her hair as if that would cleanse her of all the doubt and fear that had replaced the small semblance of calm she had been able to achieve earlier.

"Fine," she said not really looking at Kate.

"This is a cop bar," she said in an accusatory tone, her comment directed at Josh.

"I know," he said his smile never wavering.

"Hey let's dance," he held his hand out to her.

"What?" she practically screamed.

She hunched her shoulders and placed both hands on the table, leering at him from across it trying to whisper in the din of noise. "This is a cop bar!"

He just kept smiling. "I know. Let's go."

And with that he had her by the hand and up on the small dingy dance floor near the bar. She didn't recognize the song, but she was too dumbstruck to resist him and before she could even think about what she was doing, she was indeed dancing with him. She could hear cheering coming from their table. She was so mortified that she thought this was a perfect time to have an out of body experience. So she did. She imagined herself elsewhere and let her body follow his lead.

At the front of the barroom a shocked SVU unit watched with their mouths hanging open as they saw their ADA, the nice one, the one they thought was in so much pain, dancing with a guy! But none followed the movements of the unlikely couple more than the owner of the chocolate brown eyes and chestnut hair. Those eyes had followed the redhead from the moment that flash of red hair materialized in the door. And it seemed that the owner of those brown eyes found the sight of Casey in the middle of the bar dancing with some guy infuriating.

The first person to recover at the SVU table was Munch, who uncharacteristically chimed in with the rest of the cheering that had now spread to the other bar patrons. That snapped Fin out of his stupor and he started hoofing it up with everyone else. Other people joined the dancing duo on the floor and the noise level was raised another notch.

Elliot chuckled. He couldn't believe what he was witnessing; cops, in a bar, dancing. It was insane. He looked over at Munch who was smiling and laughed again. His gaze then went to the one member of their table who did not seem to be appreciating the humor of the whole situation.

Liv had both hands wrapped around her beer glass. The tips of her fingers were white from the force with which she was seemingly trying to strangle the glass. Elliot reached out to touch her and was relieved to see the tension in her fingers ease just a bit.

"You okay?"

She spared him a tiny glance before focusing her attention back on the couple still on the dance floor. He really didn't understand her these days. She had had such a good thing with Casey and she had to go and ruin it and now everything was wrong.

He had felt it the minute Alex breezed through the station last Friday. Alex wanted everything to be the same as it had been before she left, and she was trying really hard to get back there. But he knew it was no use and he told her so earlier in the week. He had not been unkind; he just politely told her that it might help if she didn't assume that nothing had changed in the three years she'd been gone. Alex had not appreciated hearing that and in true Alex Cabot fashion, she informed him that there was nothing wrong with the way she was acting and that maybe he should look at his own behavior. He didn't doubt that part of what she said was true. He had changed. They had all changed. They had forged a new relationship with the ADA that replaced Alex. They hadn't liked it at first. In fact they hated it and unfortunately at the beginning they even blamed Casey. But slowly things changed and they started seeing her for who she was and not for whom she was not. And to their utter surprise they discovered that Casey was willing to alter and adapt her style to mix with theirs in a way that he knew and the rest of the squad knew - Alex had not and would not.

They formed a bond with Casey – different than the one they had with Alex. It was borne more of compromise and mutual affection as well as respect and loyalty. And while they had long dispensed with making comparisons between their former ADA and their current ADA – as they still thought of Casey - Alex's return forced a comparison and to everyone's surprise they found Alex lacking in areas that had become important to them.

It had been a rough week at the SVU unit as the squad tried to figure out who had what case and which ADA they should be talking to, and how they were supposed to navigate the emotional landmines in this whole situation. Casey to no one's surprise made it easy for them by limiting her contact with the squad and not making them choose sides. But they missed her.

Elliot had asked Olivia earlier if Alex planned to stop by tonight knowing the answer even before she shook her head no, never once looking up from the file she was reading. He wondered briefly how many nights she had slept at home this week. He had a sneaking suspicion that number was zero, but he hadn't asked. He still couldn't figure out if he should try and help his best friend get through this or kick the shit out of her for breaking Casey's heart. He was confused and as a result he had not said anything to Olivia.

But seeing her strangling the beer glass as she watched Casey dance, he hoped she was finally beginning to understand what the squad had known from the get go. She had made a very big mistake.

**Later that night…**

_The dancing had been fun,_ Casey thought as she made her way to her apartment that night. Softball was starting soon which always lifted her spirits and the complete dread she had been feeling since Alex's return started to seem…well not so dreadful. She would survive. She knew that now.

She let herself in, stripping the light jacket she wore, depositing her keys and plopping down on the sofa. She wondered if she could do it tonight. She hadn't told Kate and Jordan that she had yet to sleep in her own bed. Somehow it always seemed more comfortable out on the couch. But she knew she couldn't do that forever and tonight had given her so much confidence. She would try it. She had to stop being such a coward, stop backing away from everything that reminded her of Olivia. She needed to get her life back.

It was hard walking up to the SVU table tonight to greet the people she had been ignoring all week. But she caught Fin's booming voice among the shouts and cheers and she knew she had to talk them, no matter how hard it was. It was a relief to discover that Alex wasn't there. It had surprised her, shocked her really. She spent the entire walk between their table and hers putting up walls, preparing herself to see Alex sitting next to Olivia in the spot that used to be hers. But she wasn't there and that somehow made her relax. She could barely look at Olivia, but that was to be expected she told herself. _Baby steps Casey, small tiny baby steps._

So she sat down with them for a few minutes drinking in their smiles, the laughter, their light teasing, and the friendliness of the group. She was saying her goodbyes after a few minutes spent talking about anything but the big white elephant sitting on the table, when Elliot grabbed her arm. He held her hand for a few moments and looked at her. She stared back reading the sadness in his eyes and she almost lost it then. He must have seen it because he let go of her hand, but not before she heard his soft "Don't be a stranger." She smiled.

"I won't."

She knew that she probably should not have pushed them away. It wasn't their fault. All of the events leading up to this moment had been the result of her choices, not theirs. They shouldn't suffer. But she did not have the energy to figure out how to have them in her life when they were so much a part of Olivia too. She still had no clue how she would do it in the end, but she would. Softball would make it easier. Fin was on the team along with Elliot, and Munch usually found the time to come to the games.

"Everything will work out," she told herself as she stared at the empty place where the framed photo Kate had given her once stood.

She had consider asking Kate for another one, but even after prodding from Jordan, she decided, it would just be another sad reminder of what she had lost. As she sat on the couch thinking of the picture, trying to recall details of the image, her eyes started to droop. She knew she should get up, brush her teeth and try to sleep in her bed, but she was so tired and found that she just couldn't.


	10. Chapter 10

**An Honest Choice**

Title: An Honest Choice  
Author: Rosie Cruz  
Pairing: Casey/Olivia  
Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction. The characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. I just like to play with them. The story however is purely a creation of my imagination.

2007 © ROBC. The characters of Olivia Benson, Casey Novak, Elliot Stabler, John Munch, Fin, Cragen and Kathy Stabler belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. The story however is mine. All rights reserved. Copies of this may be printed for personal use only. No part of this story may be reproduced or reused for any other purpose without prior written permission.

**Chapter 10**

When Kate and Jordan said their goodbyes the next morning, Kate told Casey that she could count on Josh to "check in on her". Casey had laughed at that. She hardly knew him. He was always fun, but it was ridiculous to think he would "check in on her" as Kate put it. She thought it was a joke, but Josh did not disappoint and over the next couple of weeks he and Casey had become close. He was no substitute for Kate, but in his own way he had been helpful. Unfortunately, he called her today to tell her that he was on call and could not make the gang's weekly Friday night bar bash which he happily joined for the last two weeks. She had to admit it had been great having him there. She could now go to O'Malley's and not feel panicked. She had even worked up the nerve to sit with the guys when she went, even with Olivia there. She never would have stayed if Alex had shown up, but she had yet to see Alex there.

Josh was a good guy and she knew she would miss him once his fiancé came home. She didn't mind. That's the way it should be. She would miss him tonight though and she briefly considered skipping O'Malley's and going straight home. After all it wasn't a requirement that she go to O'Malley's on Friday nights.

A knock made her look up from the papers she was trying to organize before packing her things for the night.

"Hey there," said Elliot as he walked in.

She smiled at him.

"You coming to O'Malley's?" he asked.

She blinked. "I don't know. I was thinking about it. Josh won't be there though."

Elliot took a seat across from her.

"That's too bad. He seems like a nice guy."

She finished the pile of papers she had been working on and turned around to lock them in her file drawer.

"Yeah he's fun," she said as she shoved the files in and locked the drawer.

"So what will it take for you to come? And don't give me that, if Josh isn't coming, I won't come. I won't accept that. I don't take it from my kids and I won't take it from you." He smiled again.

"Will um…Alex be there?" She looked up at him, all traces of humor gone from her face.

"No. I don't think so. You know she rarely comes. It's not her thing."

His feet somehow found themselves perched on her desk as he continued to stare at her.

"Besides," he continued, "I think most people would prefer your company to hers."

"Not everyone."

She tried to smile as she said that, but it came out looking more pained than she had intended and she knew it.

"I don't know about that," he responded. "I really don't know. I wonder sometimes."

He eyed her trying to gauge her response, but she immediately averted her eyes; suddenly searching for her bag seemed of the utmost importance. He maintained his seated position.

"Casey"

"Yeah, I'm ready. Look I'll go for a drink okay, but can't promise more than that."

"Casey"

"What? I'm ready!" she said her bag hefted over her shoulder as she stood by the door.

He debated whether to maintain his position and ask her the question he wanted to ask or risk her not showing up at O'Malley's by doing it on the walk over. _Fuck it._ He removed his feet from her desk and stood.

"Okay. Here we go," he said as he held the door open for her.

They engaged in some miscellaneous small talk about cases as they walked to the elevator. It was late and while there were still people milling about they were the only two people on the elevator. As soon as the doors closed, he turned to face her.

"Casey I would never get in your business, but as the honorary big brother here it's my duty to…"

"What?" She tried to sound incredulous, but knew she had failed. It was funny and endearing and ultimately sweet that he saw himself as her big brother. She didn't know what to say. She wanted to laugh, but knew he wasn't kidding or teasing her, he was being serious.

"You know you're like a sister to me. I take that very seriously."

"Thank you Elliot. I…appreciate it."

His faced remained serious as the elevator doors opened. They made it out the front doors, before he continued the conversation.

"As I was saying, as your big brother, I need to know if you're…" he hesitated for a few seconds. "If you and Josh are you know…"

Casey looked confused.

"If we're what? You're not making any sense Elliot."

"Are you sleeping with him?"

"What?! Hell no! Jesus where would you get an idea like that? That is the most ridiculous…I mean eww. First he's a guy and second, eww he's Kate's brother and third and most important, he's engaged!"

Elliot looked dumbstruck. "Oh" was all he managed.

"God, Elliot what would make you think that?" She was walking fast now.

"Come on Casey," he said as he tried to catch up. "He's been coming to the bar to see you Friday nights. The dancing. Come on it's not that much of a stretch, even if he is a guy."

Casey was still recovering. "Whatever." She stopped. "Is that what everyone thinks because if that's the case, you need to set them straight, okay? I will not have the squad thinking that…that…eww gross. Really gross Elliot." She started walking again.

"Jesus Casey, the guy's not that bad," he yelled after her.

She glared at him. In fact she continued to glare at him the whole way there, but he didn't care. He had good news to share with Olivia.

They remained quiet for the rest of the short walk to O'Malley's, both lost in their own thoughts. Elliot could not stop smiling. While it wasn't common knowledge, he knew that Olivia and Alex's relationship was almost non-existent. Alex had found her own place after staying with Olivia for a week – a week in which Olivia had determinately never spent the night at home. She had finally admitted that to him the previous night over beers in his backyard.

They had not technically broken up, but they were also not exactly a couple. He was mostly confused by Olivia's explanations and wondered if the beers contributed to his inability to understand what she was saying or whether they had made her say things that didn't make sense. Ultimately, he found, it didn't matter. Things were not good between them. Olivia even admitted that she wanted out, but didn't know how to do it. And now the knowledge that Casey was not seeing the dancing doctor might just be the nudge that Olivia needed to finish this stupid trip to fantasy island that she had been on with Alex and get back to where she belonged.


	11. Chapter 11

**An Honest Choice**

Title: An Honest Choice  
Author: Rosie Cruz  
Pairing: Casey/Olivia  
Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction. The characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. I just like to play with them. The story however is purely a creation of my imagination.

2007 © ROBC. The characters of Olivia Benson, Casey Novak, Elliot Stabler, John Munch, Fin, Cragen and Kathy Stabler belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. The story however is mine. All rights reserved. Copies of this may be printed for personal use only. No part of this story may be reproduced or reused for any other purpose without prior written permission.

**Chapter 11**

Casey sat in her office staring out the window. She was proud of herself. She had done the impossible. She had learned how to have interactions with Olivia without falling apart. She noticed it today when Olivia came in to ask for something and she responded automatically. She didn't have to think about what to say or to brace herself, or put up walls. The walls went up automatically. It would take a lot longer to get comfortable around Olivia again, but for the first time, she had confidence that she could do it. She would have to take Elliot out for a big dinner after all the interference he ran for her in the last few weeks, but she was finally part of the way there. Of course, her interactions with Olivia were formal. They didn't chit chat. They didn't talk about the weather and they most certainly did not share anything personal. It was really weird. She had never been as close to someone as she had been to Olivia. And yet now, she couldn't even imagine telling Olivia something as simple as that she had a headache. Their communications were purely professional. _What do you need? What's the evidence? What's your theory? Here's what I need etc., etc._

Figuring out how to interact with Alex had been easier. Alex was the enemy. Casey could immerse herself in her anger and let the adrenaline caused by her rage take her through those interactions. It also helped that Alex kind of acted like she didn't exist. Contrary to how ADAs working the same types of cases usually behaved, her and Alex did not ask each other for help or cover for each other. They were not a team and they did not rely on each other for anything. They might as well be in different departments.

Lately however, Casey found herself wondering how much longer she would be working with Alex. If the rumor mill was at all accurate, Alex was getting restless in the small world of Special Victims Unit. Sure they always got the media exposure, but rumor had it that Alex had had enough of the nostalgia of her old position. Plus being forced to share half the case load meant she did not quite get all of the media attention. Word was Alex was ready to move up.

She had also heard, sometimes in great detail, about Alex's dates from the various office gossip mongers. At first she was surprised, but Elliot had been kind enough to clue her in that Alex's sexuality was supposed to be a big secret, thus the parade of men. Supposedly, it didn't mean anything. She was stunned that Olivia was putting up with such a facade. There had been no rumors about Alex's 'alternative lifestyle,' so she guessed that the dirty little secret was safe.

She shook all thoughts of Alex and gathered her things. It was Friday. O'Malley's and her friends were waiting.

* * *

She arrived at O'Malley's and was happy to see Josh already there engaging Munch in some outlandish conversation. It was amazing to her how well Josh and Munch got along. It was eerie actually. She took her seat next to Elliot and nudged him in the arm.

"Hey big brother," she said in a teasing tone.

He smiled as he reached for the pitcher and proceeded to pour her a glass. She winked at him as he topped it off and then abruptly stood up.

"Attention please," she said as she waited for their surprised faces to turn her way.

"We have something to celebrate tonight."

Cries of "here, here" were heard throughout the table and she could have sworn that some of the good wishes were coming from other tables.

"A certain friend of ours is getting a very nice present tomorrow morning; the very best kind of present." She looked at Josh. "Here's to Josh, who after a very long absence from his fiancé will finally be reunited with her tomorrow morning at JFK. Of course we, his good friends, will mourn him since we know we may never see him again."

The table erupted in laughter and Josh threw a crumpled up napkin at her head as she sat down

The party was in full swing by the time Olivia walked in. Her footsteps led her automatically to the small table near the front of the bar.

_They must have started earlier than usual_, she thought. They were a bit more boisterous than normal. She made her way quickly to where Elliot was sitting and glanced around looking for an empty seat when she saw Josh's friendly face talking to Munch. _Shit, why the hell does he always have to be here? Doesn't he have his own friends?_

She sighed loudly before plopping down into one of the empty chairs. Unfortunately, she chose the chair right next to Casey. _Good, _she though_t, maybe this time, she'll actually talk to me. I've missed her._ The idea that she missed Casey didn't scare her. She had been missing Casey since the night Alex showed up at her front door. She just hadn't quite figured out what to do about it yet.

She grunted a hello to the gang which was answered by a loud "Norm_." _

_Okay…they were in an interesting mood tonight. _

She raised an eyebrow at them and then looked at Elliot questioningly. He just shrugged and slid a glass toward her. She made herself busy with the pitcher, before realizing that Casey sat frozen next to her. Casey's breathing was a little off. Olivia set the pitcher down slowly before turning to look at her. Casey flinched. It was a small flinch barely detectable to the slightly inebriated crowd at the table, but it was there. That flinch was like a sucker punch to Olivia. She wanted to say something to Casey, but what could she possible say? _I should just go_, she thought. But she didn't move. _Maybe if they could just talk_.

But it was impossible. She wanted to look at Casey once more, but was afraid of seeing her flinch yet again.

"Hey Casey, how about it?" said Josh from the other side of the table.

_Right, here comes the fucking cavalry_, thought Olivia. _Oh what a surprise, Josh is asking her to dance._ She gulped down her beer as she felt Casey leaving her seat. She hated seeing them together even though Elliot had reassured her that there was nothing going on. It was hard to remember that when she watched them dance and saw how happy Josh made her; how the only time she ever heard Casey really laugh anymore was when she was with fucking Joshua.

_Had anyone tried to find out who this guy was? Well, she had._ Unfortunately she found nothing indicating that he was a homicidal maniac_. But then again, a lot of homicidal maniacs looked squeaky clean at first._ She shook her head and poured herself another glass. She knew Elliot was watching her again, but she didn't care. He always seemed to be doing that lately, especially whenever she was anywhere near Casey. _Whatever, she had better things to do – like watch some fucking asshole feel up her girlfriend. Shit! Ex-girlfriend, Benson. Remember?_ She downed her glass, closed her eyes and rested her head on the back of the chair.

"Hey, where's Alex tonight?"

That was Fin she surmised, her eyes still closed.

"On a date," she said matter-of-factly.

Olivia heard silence. _Was that possible in this noisy bar with the fucking music going? Shit. _She was swearing an awful lot these days.

"What?" she said. "She's a grown woman. She can go on a date."

"Yeah, but…man that's whack"

"Yeah, it is Fin," said Olivia. "It really is."

The rest of the squad just stared at their glasses. They hadn't really talked about Alex since the night of Alex's welcome back party. Or rather, they always asked after her, but Olivia didn't talk about it. She kept her eyes closed and tried desperately to not think about Alex; Alex, who had come back to her and stirred up her perfectly calm and lovely life.

Olivia spent the first week of Alex's return sleeping at the station. When Alex had finally been able to question her about her mysterious absences from the apartment at night, Olivia told her that she needed time to adjust and Alex had brightened.

"Was that all? No problem, I'll move my stuff out tonight."

She had looked at Olivia and told her that she wanted it to work and that she would do whatever was necessary to make sure they could be together. Olivia had wanted so badly to believe her, but that night at dinner, Alex had dropped a bombshell. She was going on a date-with a guy. Olivia fought the urge to not spit out her food right there. She just stared at Alex. _Was she kidding?_

"You know it will look really suspicious if I don't Liv. And besides, I'll need an escort for events."

Olivia continued to stare at her in disbelief. Alex didn't skip a beat. "It won't mean anything of course and there will absolutely be no intimate moments. You understand, right?"

Olivia nodded. She should have expected this. She almost laughed. Then her mood had turned sour. _This is what she had given up Casey for? This bullshit?_ She sat through the rest of their dinner listening to Alex talk about some new position - Bureau Chief or something - that was opening up. The sound of her cell phone had never sounded so welcoming. She briefly apologized to Alex before excusing herself from the dinner.

That had been weeks ago. This week had seen no improvement in her relationship with Alex, although Alex didn't seem to notice. Olivia saw her at work and they had done some quick lunches, but Olivia had not seen her after work. She didn't know if Alex was going out on dates or not, she hadn't bothered to ask. She just deflected and immersed herself in her work. If Alex noticed the withdrawal she didn't comment on it. It seemed amazing to Olivia how someone as smart as Alex could miss what was right in front of her. Olivia was not happy and either Alex hadn't noticed, or she didn't care. Olivia was kindly assuming the former was true.

She knew after her third night at the station that it had been a mistake to let Alex stay at her place. Now she was questioning the whole thing. Maybe 3 years ago, she would have accepted what Alex had to offer, but now she found it difficult. She wondered if she could just talk to Alex and maybe ask that they slow things down, see if they could just be friends for a while. Her fingers tightened around the glass she was holding. She honestly didn't know what she was supposed to do.

Olivia opened her eyes as the song ended. _There_ _was that smile she loved_, she thought as she saw Casey making her way back. She remembered when that smile had been directed at her. It was one of those smiles that just demanded a return smile. It was like puppet strings - that smile - it just pulled on you and made you smile right back. But it wasn't for her now. _It was for fucking Josh or if it wasn't Josh it would be someone else. _And the really messed up thing, she thought, was that she knew she should be happy for Casey, but she wasn't. She wasn't even remotely happy.

Casey was not sitting down; she was putting on her jacket. Olivia couldn't look at her again.

"Hey, come on you can't leave me here with these clowns," said Elliot.

"Sorry Detective. I said one drink and I've had my one drink."

"Casey, you owe me a dance and until I get a dance you cannot leave."

Casey stopped and looked at Munch, not even bothering to mask her shock at the surprise request.

"Now we talking," said Fin. "Old man Munch getting down!"

"Hey watch who you call an old man. I am mature. So what do you say, my lovely?"

Elliot started pounding on the table.

"Well this will be one for the history books. You can't possible leave now Casey," he said.

But Casey was way ahead of him. She took off her suit jacket and gestured towards the floor, but Munch was shaking his head.

"No. If I am to dance, it will have to be to the right song. So please, take a seat, while I make my request," said Munch as he stood and made his way to the bar.

"Please, don't let him dance better than me," said Josh. The rest of the squad just snickered.

Minutes later, Elliot watched Munch and Casey make their way to the dance floor, the sound of as "Time Goes By" clearly recognizable. He then turned his attention to his very confused and irritated best friend. She was giving Josh some pretty hostile looks. That really shouldn't have come as a shock to him. After all, Casey was her ex-girlfriend and he could see people getting the wrong idea about Josh and Casey.

But none of this really made any sense. He saw the way Olivia looked at Casey. The way her eyes followed Casey everywhere she went. Except when they were both seated at the same table, then she averted her eyes and looked everywhere but where Casey happened to be sitting. He knew it was complicated. The two had worked together, they had mutual friends. It hadn't been an easy break, but there was something about Olivia's behavior that that just didn't make any sense to him. She was clearly still in love with Casey and thing with Alex seemed to have fizzled, so why the hesitation? He didn't get it. Why couldn't she see what needed to be done? It was as clear as day.

Casey he understood. She was heartbroken. He had to admit she did a great job of hiding her pain most days. It was only when Olivia was near, that she struggled with her composure. But despite the fact that Olivia was his best friend, he was unsure of what was going on with her. It seemed that the only times he had seen her smile was when Casey smiled, as he had witnessed a few minutes ago when Josh and Casey made their way back to the table. He also noticed how she seemed to resent Josh and most of all he noted the defeated look he had seen when Casey was getting ready to leave. He would never understand why she had chosen Alex in the first place, but her inability to see the right path now perplexed him.

When Olivia first told him the story, he had been outraged. Casey was like a sister to him. Why would Olivia hurt her like that? In his eyes it was cold and cruel, but he figured, Olivia had her reasons for choosing Alex. But then Olivia started acting like…well like what was happening to Casey was killing her; like she was dying inside because of it. He didn't understand it. If that was the case, there was only one thing to do. Maybe he would ask Kathy to explain to him why his friend could not seem to do the one thing that would make her happy and while she was at it, she might as well explain how Olivia had made such a colossal mistake in the first place.

6


	12. Chapter 12

**An Honest Choice**

Title: An Honest Choice  
Author: Rosie Cruz  
Pairing: Casey/Olivia  
Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction. The characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. I just like to play with them. The story however is purely a creation of my imagination.

2007 © ROBC. The characters of Olivia Benson, Casey Novak, Elliot Stabler, John Munch, Fin, Cragen and Kathy Stabler belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. The story however is mine. All rights reserved. Copies of this may be printed for personal use only. No part of this story may be reproduced or reused for any other purpose without prior written permission.

Author's Note: Olivia is getting closer to where she needs to be...

**Chapter 12**

As it turned out, Kathy had a very interesting take on the whole situation. She was a lot more understanding of Olivia and to Elliot's surprise had seemed to take Olivia's side. Kathy had been unusually quiet on the subject for the past few weeks, but after he finished relating the events of the previous night and voiced his confusion over Olivia's choices, she had offered up her thoughts.

"Elliot," she said as she looked for a pot to boil water for the pasta. "Don't be so hard on Olivia. Try to look at this from her perspective. She was in love with Alex, right?"

Elliot shrugged, "I guess so."

She rolled her eyes. "Okay, let's assume she was. So Alex has to go into Witness Protection and disappears. They don't break up, because, according to you, they had a thing for each other, but they never actually acted on it. But then Alex just disappears and as far as anyone knows, she's not coming back anytime soon - almost like she died. Except that Olivia knows she didn't die. She's still out there somewhere. The loss is…" she searched for the right word, "complicated, I guess."

She poured water into the pot and set it on the stove before continuing.

"The way I see it, the loss is complicated because so much didn't happen. It wasn't a break-up and it wasn't a death, although it must have felt like that to Olivia - on both counts."

"So? What does that have to do with how's she treated Casey?"

"Well," she said looking up as if trying to see the words she needed to express herself in the air in front of her. "Imagine I fell off a cliff."

"Kathy!" he interrupted incredulous at the idea. "Don't…"

"Hear me out, Elliot. Everyone, including you, assumes I'm dead, right?"

"I guess," he said slowly not liking the example, but trying to see where she was going with it.

"There's a funeral and everything and after some time you continue on with your life the way you should. Suppose I then come back. By some miracle I survived the fall and have been trying to get back this whole time. Would you say, well, I've grieved and I've moved on with my life. You're no longer a part of it. Sorry. You're out of luck. Do you really think that's how a reunion would go? I don't. I think you would want me as part of your life again and you might even contemplate throwing away the life you had after me."

Elliot was frowning. "Of course I would want you in my life. It's you, you're my wife."

"Okay forget me," she said realizing he wasn't going to see her point with such a personal example. "Remember that movie _Cast Away_ with Tom Hanks and what's that girl's name?"

He looked at her blankly and shrugged.

"Anyway, he was on that island for 5 years or something and then he's rescued. When he comes back he finds out that his fiancé has gotten married and has a daughter. When he finally sees her, he tells her that the thought of her kept him alive and then in a crazy moment she decides to leave her husband and they both get in Tom Hank's car planning to do that. But they end up just sitting in the car before finally coming to their senses. In the end, she says she loves him, but she also loves her husband and daughter and can't leave them. This situation is a little like that, except that neither Alex nor Olivia has come to their senses yet."

"What? This is nothing like that! Olivia loves Casey, not Alex. I know it."

"Of course she does! But Alex coming back has screwed everything up and instead of coming to her senses in the car Olivia's gone for a little joy ride. She'll be back, she'll come to her senses, but you have to understand how difficult it is when you've moved on, but someone suddenly yanks you back in time."

He didn't look like he was buying it.

"All I'm saying is that things aren't black and white, Elliot. For all intents and purposes, Alex came back from the dead. And maybe her time away gave her the courage to take the chances she refused to take before. Maybe that's why she showed up at Olivia's and it's because of that, that she seems to want to try with Olivia, that Olivia is finding it hard.

"I don't believe Olivia ever stopped loving Casey, but everything became confused for her when Alex came back. The return of someone she thought would never come back threw her for a loop and maybe with Alex right there in front of her, she felt like she had to give Alex the chance she was asking for. Unfortunately, that meant breaking Casey's heart. We don't know exactly what happened, but isn't it possible that Casey was the unintentional victim in all of this? Maybe this doesn't have anything to do with how much Olivia loves Casey. It has to do with unfinished business with Alex. Casey just got caught in the crossfire."

"But that doesn't make sense. If you love someone, you wouldn't want to hurt them."

"If what you said is true and this whole situation is killing Olivia there shouldn't be any doubt that she loves Casey. She's probably thinking it was all a mistake."

"Casey might not take her back."

"That's true; that is entirely up to Casey."

He sighed and thought for a moment as he reached for her. "You don't have any long lost lovers ready to come back from the dead, do you?"

She laughed, "Not that I know of. Now let's finish this dinner."

* * *

Josh gulped down the rest of his coffee before tossing the paper cup in the trash and making his way back to the nurse's station. It had been a rough 12 hours and he was looking at another 8 before he could go home. He was tired and barely noticed Olivia walk past him as she exited a hospital room.

Olivia had just finished interviewing the latest victim of a rape – a young woman raped in her own apartment. She was the third victim in as many months and they seemed to be no closer to catching the serial rapist. The interview had not gone well. The woman was still in shock and did not want to talk to the police. She had maintained her stony silence for the whole interview. Olivia tried changing tactics at least five times before handing the woman her card and pleading with her to call her when she was ready to talk. She walked out of the woman's hospital room, looking around to get her bearings and find the exit when she saw Josh walk past her from the opposite direction and frowned.

Olivia was angry. She was frustrated with this case, she was frustrated with her personal life, and she was especially angry that she felt jealous. Surprisingly, the fact that Alex was going out on dates to quiet down any questions people might have about her sexuality was not what made her jealous. Instead it was watching Casey becoming a much sought after dance partner at the local bar that – before this guy had walked into it – had never even had dancing! And it wasn't just this doctor guy that was vying for Casey's attention. It seemed that their dancing had sparked a wave of interest in Casey from both male and female partners.

Olivia had taken it in stride the first night they walked in together. She wanted Casey to be happy, she told herself, and it was just a bad twist of fate that Olivia could not be the one to make her happy. But as the evening had worn on that night and Josh continued to dance with the attractive red-head, she found herself squirming in her seat and drinking a lot more beer than was really good for her.

Elliot had watched her for a while, but said nothing. Finally, when he picked up his suit jacket from the chair where it was casually draped and headed for home, he asked her if she was coming. She barely glanced his way as she said no, but he grabbed her arm and insisted that she at least accompany him outside. He warned her to leave Casey alone. She said nothing and walked back into the bar.

This whole thing had somehow upset something precious about her relationship with Elliot. She wanted to talk to him, like she had always been able to, but she also knew how he felt about how things had ended with Casey, so she chose not to share much with him. She told him about how things were going with Alex because he asked, but they never talked about Casey.

Olivia started walking in Josh's direction, unsure of what she was going to say, but angry enough that she felt she had to say something.

"Hello Josh," she said as she came right up to him, invading his personal space and causing him to step back.

"Oh, hi Olivia, how are you?" Josh recognized her aggressive stance and was unsure of what to do or what was coming next. From what Casey had shared with him, this was a loving woman who liked to put bad guys in jail. _He wasn't a bad guy, so why was she looking at him like she wanted to pummel him?_

"Can I speak with you privately?" she said in her best cop voice.

His eyes opened wide in surprise both that she wanted to talk to him and that she looked like she might arrest him. "Um…sure, I have a few minutes, but I need to get back to my patients soon. Let's step over here."

He led the way to an unmarked door that opened into a small dark room with beds. He fumbled around for the switch and moments later florescent light illuminated the cluttered area. There were various bags, old scrubs, notepads and medical books strewn around the floor and beds.

"What's on your mind detective?" he said taking a seat at the tiny table pushed up against the far wall. Olivia remained standing.

"How do you know Casey?" she said, not even trying to hide the hostility in her voice.

Josh was perplexed. If this woman was so ready and willing to dump Casey, why did she seem so jealous?She seemed nice, albeit a little cold when he had first met her. The coldness towards him had never diminished, but Casey explained that it was probably because Olivia was not very open when she first met people.

As he sat there trying to figure out how to best handle this obviously angry cop and work through her possible motivations for this impromptu interview, it dawned on him.

_She's still in love with Casey._

Suddenly everything made much more sense; the cold looks he received; the aggressiveness she displayed.

_She's still in love with Casey and is just figuring out what a freaking big ass mistake she's made! Or maybe she hasn't figured it out yet?_

Deciding it wasn't his place to find out; he cleared his throat and tried just answering her question.

"She's a good friend of my sister's. I'm new in the city and she's pretty cool to hang out with. Is there a problem?"

"No," she said quickly feeling very foolish all of a sudden. _She had no claims here. She had no right to invade Casey's privacy like this._

"I'm sorry," she said and turned to walk out the door.

"I have no romantic interest in her," he shouted after her.

The comment stopped her in her tracks. She closed the door that she had been halfway through opening and stepped back into the room. She walked over to where he was sitting and slumped down on the only other available chair. She knew that he had no romantic interest in Casey. Elliot had told her that, but somehow, hearing it from him made a difference.

"You must think I'm a real ass," she said.

"Yes I do. I don't know how you could let someone as wonderful as her go. But as Casey would remind me; I don't know you. I'm not even sure I have the whole story, so I think for now I'll reserve judgment." He tried a reassuring smile happy that she no longer looked like she wanted to arrest him.

There was a lull in conversation, before Josh spoke again. Against his own advice, he plunged into her personal life.

"Why are you really here detective?"

She looked up defeated. "Because I want her to be happy and not get hurt, because I wanted to make sure you weren't some psycho who was going to hurt her – like I did. Because…I am more jealous watching her dance with you than I am when my so-called girlfriend tells me she needs to date guys to maintain the image of heterosexuality that seems so important to her." She paused. "I don't really know why."

"If you love her, why aren't you with her?"

She turned tired eyes to him. "It's complicated," she said as she lifted herself off the chair.

She was almost to the door when she heard him speak again.

"Break it down to its basic components detective."

She turned to regard him and his curious comment.

"My mother always said that everything is simple. Some things just need to be broken down to their basic components before you see the simplicity. Break it down detective and you'll find your way."

She frowned. "What are you some fucking fortune cookie?"

He laughed. "No, that's my mother, actually; she writes them."

Her mouth was open and an apology was at the tip of her tongue when he laughed harder.

"I'm just kidding. My mother's an account, but those cookies make a lot of sense, you should listen to them."

"If you say so," she said. She gave him one last look, a shake of her head and pulled the door open, her boots making a squishing noise on the hospital floor.


	13. Chapter 13

**An Honest Choice**

Title: An Honest Choice  
Author: Rosie Cruz  
Pairing: Casey/Olivia  
Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction. The characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. I just like to play with them. The story however is purely a creation of my imagination.

2007 © Rosie Cruz. The characters of Olivia Benson, Casey Novak, Elliot Stabler, John Munch, Fin, Cragen and Kathy Stabler belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. The story however is mine. All rights reserved. Copies of this may be printed for personal use only. No part of this story may be reproduced or reused for any other purpose without prior written permission.

Author's Note: Minimal editing on this one so apologies for any mistakes, but needed to get this out before starting birthday festivities.

**Chapter 13**

Casey walked out of her meeting with Branch, her heart beating wildly. She looked around at the people walking to and fro like lost ants. Nobody seemed to notice her. She straightened her dark skirt and began the short walk back to her office. She kept her head up, but did not make eye contact with anyone. Finally reaching the sanctuary of her own office she closed the door lightly and leaned against it.

_I hope that wasn't a mistake._

She wasn't sure. _Damn Branch for demanding an answer on the spot!_ She breathed deeply in and then out, trying to focus and center herself. It had come as somewhat of a surprise. She never really believed Branch when he told her she would be at the top of his list for promotions. Branch did what was best for Branch without regard for any promises he may have made along the way.

He had made good this time though. He had offered her the Bureau Chief position in the Village. It was high profile. It meant more money and made her at least a player in the DA's office. It was just like Branch to dump this on her and not expect that she would need to think about it. Wasn't that how she ended up at SVU? He had just told her to move and had not expected her to say no. When she did, he fought her until she gave in. Even when she returned after her first week asking to be reinstated to her old position in White Crimes, he pushed until she felt she had to stay.

_Not this time._

She pushed off from the door and made her way to her desk. She logged back into her computer, wanting to check her calendar. He had been shocked. He had not given her a lot of time to think about it and she knew he wasn't going to give her the time she needed, but she had asked for the time anyway. In the end, he had looked incredulous that she was even considering turning it down and asked for an answer immediately.

She noted that she had a court date in the afternoon and began pulling up the files she would need to prepare, still turning over the events of the meeting in her head. His scare tactic had backfired badly. Telling her that he was going to offer it to Alex if she said no did not exactly produce the effect he thought it would. She _had_ been considering it as she sat across from him, but his declaration caused a complete about face. The thought of Alex away from SVU elevated her heart rate. If she couldn't have Olivia, at least she would still have SVU. Hoping she was really making the right choice, she had respectfully declined. _No sense dwelling on it_, she thought trying to switch gears to her upcoming court appearance. _Hopefully, Alex will jump at the opportunity._

* * *

Olivia walked to the car pondering Josh's advice to simplify things. She opened the door still trying to figure out how she could simplify what seemed to her like the most complicated problem on Earth.

She started the engine and pulled out of the lot. She couldn't fathom how this situation could ever be simple. It just wasn't. Deciding that she needed to think about her current case, she tried to push aside her personal demons. It wasn't working very well. Her mind was just too unfocused. She stepped on the brake as she approached a red light and looked around trying to get her bearings and then she saw it – Wang's Chinese Restaurant - where she and Casey had picked up their take-out the night of their first kiss. In an instant her entire world was reduced to that night. She couldn't help it. She was back there, back in that time, when things had been simple and sweet, intense and absolutely, overwhelmingly wonderful.

_Food had been consumed, stories shared and laughter rung out like the bells pealing on a Sunday morning after church lets out. They held hands, they shared small kisses and they sat close together on the couch. _

_She was happy. The thought surprised Olivia and she did a quick search in her head for the last time she had felt this happy, but came up empty. She smiled and kissed the hand that had been entwined in hers for most of the evening, before rising from the soft couch. _

"_Let me put this food away."_

_Casey stood as well and contemplated the mess they had made of Olivia's coffee table._

"_I'll help."_

_Olivia, hands full of empty white take out boxes, started to make her way to the kitchen shouting "It's not necessary," at the bent figure scooping up napkins, miscellaneous plastic utensils, and more boxes._

"_I want to," said Casey. She was smiling. _

_The worry over the talk Olivia wanted to have must have receded from Casey's mind and Olivia was glad. She wanted Casey relaxed when they had the talk. She watched Casey pile more garbage in her arms and chuckled at the effort. Before Casey could make her way to the kitchen, Olivia was at her side, smiling as she began removing items from the pile Casey had accumulated. _

"_You don't have to take it all in one trip, Casey. The garbage can is only in the next room." _

_Olivia made her way to the garbage can, followed closely by Casey who waited for Olivia to open it before unceremoniously dropping everything she was carrying._

"_Would you like some coffee?" asked Olivia._

"_Sure, sounds great. No decaf though. I can't stand that stuff. It doesn't even taste like real coffee."_

_Olivia looked at her standing in the doorway that led to the small kitchen and gave her a mock frown._

"_Would I do that to you?"_

"_Well I suppose you wouldn't do it to yourself."_

"_True, now take your sweat-pants clad butt back to the couch and I'll be there in a sec."_

_Casey looked down, examining herself in said sweats, her face beaming as if wearing NYPD sweat pants was a dream come true. She paused before walking out, turning to her benefactor._

"_Thanks for the sweats," she grinned._

"_I gave you the t-shirt and socks too. Do I get thanks for that?" Olivia shouted as she started the coffeemaker. _

"_Sure, just get back in here in the next five minutes," she heard from the living room. _

_She shook her head. 'God I love that woman…whoa, hold on a minute! Love?' _

_Olivia was in the process of opening one of her kitchen cabinets, when those thoughts froze her to the spot like some sort of weird brain freeze that extended outward to her whole body. After a few seconds her arm went lax and landed on the clean kitchen counter. 'Is that what this is? YES!'_ _her brain seemed to be shouting at her. She leaned her head against the cabinet and concentrated on breathing. _

'_Can it be true? But it didn't feel like this last time. This is different. This is the real thing.' _

_She smiled as she lifted her head, a surge of energy invading her whole body. She reached for the handle to the cabinet and opened it totally expecting a marching band or confetti to come storming out. Grinning as if she knew an important secret no one else knew, she reached for two cups and set them down on the counter. _

'_Yes, the real thing, she is the real thing.'_

_It was as if someone had just filled in that critical piece of the puzzle from which everything else just fell into place naturally. She went to the refrigerator grabbed the cream and set it next to the mugs. The coffeemaker made hissing and gurgling noises, but she paid the obnoxious machine no mind. She went to another cabinet pulling out sugar and finally pulled open a drawer and extracted a single spoon._

'_This was right,' she thought as she laid the spoon next to the mugs. She glanced at the coffee machine still in the midst of hisses and tapped her fingers impatiently. 'I am in love with Casey Novak,' she thought. She was still smiling and that made her laugh, because she couldn't seem to help it. The smile was just there anytime she thought of the woman flicking through channels on her television in the other room. _

_She could hear the machine in its final throes and walked towards it. 'This is right,' she thought again. She poured the coffee, dabbed it with cream and a little sugar and stirred. 'One spoon, two cups, one life, two hearts. It was right.' _

_But there was still Elliot and his 'you need to talk to her about what she wants people to know' speech. 'Right. Here goes nothing.' _

_She walked into the living, two cups in her hand. The scene before her made her stomach flutter yet again. Casey was laid out on the couch, her head resting on one of the pillows, with the sweetest, most innocent face Olivia had ever seen. The flutters gave way to flips that left Olivia feeling unbalanced. She looked down quickly wanting to avoid any unwanted killer bags that might be in her way and ended up stumbling a bit, but she managed to hold on to the sloshing coffee anyway._

"_Hey need some help there?" said Casey._

"_No, I'm good. Just keep lounging."_

_Casey sat up quickly and reached for the coffee cup Olivia was handing her. _

"_Umm nice and hot." She wrapped her hands around the warmth of the cup and inhaled the strong aroma._

"_That hits the spot. Thank you." _

_Casey waited for Olivia to settle down on the couch next to her then leaned back till they were shoulder to shoulder. A comfortable silence filled the air as both women took tentative sips of the hot brew. Finally Olivia shifted so that she was facing Casey, one hand extended along the length of the couch, the other still holding the steaming cup._

"_Is it okay to have that talk now?"_

_Casey's coffee cup froze midway to her lips. _

"_Talk? I thought we already had the talk," said Casey as she set the cup down. _

_Confused eyes searched Olivia's, looking for any nervousness or remorse._

_Olivia frowned. "Um no." She set down her cup and reached for Casey's hands sensing the younger woman's nervousness and wanting some physical contact with Casey to quell her own._

"_Okay, so talk," said Casey._

_The subtle tones that normally infused Casey's words with warmth and life were gone. _

'_Don't screw this up, Benson. Don't screw this up.'_

"_Well, I…don't know how out you are…what I mean is, how you feel about other people knowing about us_?" _'There she had gotten it out. Elliot would be proud.'_

_Casey seemed taken aback. _

"_How do I feel about other people knowing what? About us...I've never thought about it," Casey responded. _

"_Well, I think you might have to start thinking about it. Your position comes with some media exposure. And then there's the squad, your colleagues, Branch. There's a lot to consider."_

"_And?"_

"_And I don't know. I just…wanted to know how you felt about all of it."_

"_Personally, I don't give a rat's ass what people think about it." Casey was angry and confused but Olivia had to surge forward. They needed to talk about this and get everything clear. _

"_Are you sure about that?"_

_Casey looked like she was about to snap. Olivia thought she could even imagine the exact words Casey would level at her. She was sure they would be something like: she was damn sure and that if Olivia wanted her to hide who she was, she could go jump in the river. But Olivia needed to be sure. _

_Casey squeezed Olivia's hands between hers and started to answer Olivia in a soft careful tone. _

"_Olivia, you should know that I'm out at work. I mean I don't throw it in anybody's face, and it's often easier to leave your personal life at home, but I won't lie about who I am. I don't think I can do that," she whispered the last part. _

_Olivia's outraged voice startled her._

"_You are not out at work! That is just not possible. I didn't know you were gay until after we started spending time together and even then I wasn't sure. I mean I hoped, but…"_

"_You probably didn't know before because none of you ever took the time to get to know me until recently. But come on, all the signs were there. I'm awkward in a skirt. I'm athletic. No boyfriend. I play softball for Christ sakes!"_

"_Yeah but, you asked me about my boyfriends!"_

"_That was just to feel you out, see what you said. I never said I had a boyfriend." _

_Olivia was stunned. "I spent all this time wondering. There is just no way you were out and I didn't know it."_

"_Come on Olivia. I didn't have a social life, nothing to talk about. Most people assume you're straight until they see evidence to the contrary. In my case there really was none." She paused, "Well except for the whopper of a crush I had on you, which by the way, had anyone been paying attention they would have noticed. Serena certainly did. Besides, I don't go blabbing about being a lesbian. It isn't anyone's business." She paused again, this time seeming nervous about the question she was about to ask, almost as if she feared Olivia's response._

"_How do you feel about it?"_

"_What?" Olivia was still in shock that Casey was kind of out at work. 'How was that possible?'_

"_How do you feel about people knowing about our…us? I mean, do you have a problem with it?"_

"_No, no…of course not! I don't usually talk about my personal life at work, well except with Elliot sometimes, but no I don't care. The reason I was asking is that, well the umm…the squad has noticed. They think something is going on, but I didn't want to say anything unless you were okay with it."_

"_What would you have done if I wasn't okay with it?" Casey was curious._

"_I don't know. I would find it hard. I think it would be almost impossible given how closely we work together, but if it was important to you, I would have tried to keep it a secret. I'm not sure I would have liked it. I don't like having to lie to my friends."_

_Casey was still holding Olivia's hands between her own. _

"_Olivia I would never make you lie to your friends about something so important. I don't think I could do that myself."_

"_So, I guess the squad will have to be let in on our little secret."_

"_It sounds like they have it figured out already, although we haven't made it hard for them, have we? Remember, how you kissed me on that softball field."_

_Olivia extracted one hand from Casey's to rub her jaw. "Yeah, I guess I did. I wasn't thinking straight."_

"_Definitely not," answered Casey laughing eyes taking in the sheepish looking woman sitting next to her._

_Olivia smirked. "That's not what I meant. I guess I should have been more careful there. But you, Casey Novak, have really screwed with all my more rational inclinations. You…" she cupped Casey's face with both hands and lost herself in the warmth of Casey's sea green eyes as she leaned into her. "You make me absolutely, positively crazy."_

_The kiss was all fire and passion and lust, their lips locking together like interlocking pieces of a puzzle. Mouth and lips sucked and kissed in a wondrous meeting. When tongues joined in the fun, the kiss changed. Olivia was melting, she was sure of it. The thin layer of sweat that was collecting all over her body, the wetness she felt in parts south, the way her body just blended with Casey's seeking it out convinced her that she was indeed melting. _

_They needed to slow things down. Both women seemed to come to that realization simultaneously and the kiss changed again. They pulled back trying to quell the intensity. _

_The kiss became more soft and sweet. They pulled away breathing hard, trying to gain some composure. Casey was the first to speak._

"_Wow," she said her chest still heaving. _

_The comment sounded playful, but was laced with a seductive huskiness that suggested Casey was struggling with her body's desires. Olivia was waging her own struggle with her body's reaction to that kiss. She was breathing hard, trying to think of anything but the beautifully sexy woman who was planning to spend the night. It was hard. Casey had practically crawled into her lap and Olivia had yet to let her go. She pulled Casey close and hugged her hard, her breathing still coming in loud ragged breaths. They sat like that for a few minutes before Olivia loosened her hold on Casey. Finally she spoke._

"_I think we should be getting ready for bed, but um…I'm a little afraid." She expected a genuine laugh from Casey._

"_Me too," said Casey her breathing still a little too quick, her body begging her to continue the pleasant activities that would surely lead to other more pleasant activities. _

_Olivia sighed. They were both struggling with their libidos._

"_Come on, we're big girls, I think we can do this or I should I just stay here on the couch? You might be safer that way," said Olivia._

"_No way detective!" Casey reluctantly disengaged herself from Olivia's embrace and stood, pulling Olivia off the couch. "There is no way I am sleeping in there when you are out here." _

_Olivia stood, but it was too much, the nearness, her scent, the heat emanating from Casey was too much and she leaned in closer for another kiss; arms automatically went around each other, bodies were pulled tighter. They pulled back again_. _'This isn't working,' was on the tip of Olivia's tongue, but before she could get herself together enough to say the words, she heard Casey's voice._

"_Come on."_

_Leading her to the bedroom Casey quieted all of Olivia's fears and the half hearted protests that they were not ready. Olivia followed, not sure if she could ever not follow Casey anywhere._

_They went through the obligatory nightly routines of teeth brushing, face washing and last trips to the bathrooms before climbing into bed. Olivia was nervous, but Casey was calm. The smile that had been plastered on her face since they walked into Olivia's bedroom had yet to vanish. If anything it seemed to brighten every minute. Olivia's movements were small and controlled. She walked stiffly toward the bed, arms crossed in front of her, her forward momentum operating in slow motion. Casey practically hopped into the bed like a small child at her very first sleep-over. _

"_Hey are you coming to bed?" she asked as if they had done this a hundred times before._

"_Yeah," Olivia replied having finally reached her bed and tentatively grabbing one edge of the comforter. 'This is my bed. Why am I so nervous?' She started to pull the comforter back when she noticed the lack of motion from the energetic redhead. Moments before Casey could hardly contain her excitement. She had bounded out of the bathroom, taken a running start and jumped on the bed. But now she sat perfectly still, crossed-legged on top of the comforter, staring at the jittery woman tugging at it._

"_Liv? Are you okay?" _

_Olivia looked up. All traces of playfulness had disappeared from Casey's face. In its place, worry, fear and concern took up residence. _

_Olivia smiled_. '_You're freaking her out, so cut it out!'_

"_I'm fine." She cleared her throat and continued: "Just a little nervous."_

_Casey did not hesitate to return that smile with one of her own. She reached across the bed for Olivia's hand and tugged gently. Olivia got the message and sat on the edge of the bed facing Casey._

"_There is absolutely nothing to be nervous about. Nothing is going to happen here that we don't want. Okay?"_

_Olivia just stared and stared and stared. She couldn't help herself. She loved this woman. She knew it like she knew nothing else in her life. She looked down at their joined hands and chuckled. _

"_That's just it Casey. I want you." She paused considering her next words. She had to be careful. This was all so new to her._

"_I want you so bad, that I'm nervous as hell about getting into this bed with you."_

_Casey tried lightening the mood. "It's nice to be wanted. I like that. A lot."_

_Olivia smiled. _

"_Casey…I want to do this right. I don't want to rush into something we'll regret later. I want everything to be perfect when we make love. I just…" She was struggling with her words._

"_What makes you think it isn't perfect?" Casey was smiling again. Olivia let out a breath and scooted closer. _

"_I can't resist that smile you know?" She sat fully on the bed, legs crossed, knees pressed up lightly against Casey's._

"_No, I didn't know." _

_Casey voice was changing and it was affecting Olivia's entire existence. It was deeper, huskier, and breathier. The air around them seemed dense. Olivia noticed the subtle shift in her breathing, getting heavier and causing her chest to heave slightly. She was holding Casey's hands, rubbing them with her thumb, every stroke feeling like flint being struck, the fire only moments away._

"_You are so beautiful Casey and so very perfect." _

_Olivia found it harder to breathe as Casey leaned closer. She could not resist the pull. Like a magnet drawn to metal she leaned forward until her lips found Casey's. They rose simultaneously onto their knees both needing the full body contact as the kiss deepened. Casey's tongue was on her lips begging for entrance and Olivia was only too happy to oblige. Tongues intertwined. Olivia loosened her hold as she lowered them onto the bed, so that she was on top of Casey kissing her feverishly. After a few moments, they pulled apart needing a moment to breathe. They stared at each other. Olivia was leaning over Casey, her lust-filled eyes no longer trying to hide her needs, her wants, and her desires. Casey closed her eyes; her left hand went to her face. Olivia, getting the hint, rolled off of her and threw one arm over her own eyes._

"_I want you Olivia…so very bad. But I need to know that you aren't going to have regrets tomorrow. I'm willing to take this slow if that's what you need." _

_Casey turned her face to the woman lying down next to her. Olivia took a moment to calm her breathing. Finally she withdrew the arm shielding her eyes and turned her head. She laughed as she watched Casey watch her. _

"_You don't want me to have regrets? I don't want you to have regrets! We're quite the pair, huh?" She changed positions, turning over to face Casey, her head propped on her bent arm. "There is nothing about you that I could ever regret. Not a kiss, not a touch, not a look. It's just not possible Casey." _

_Her eyes roamed the landscape that was Casey's body, lingering in places that she had denied herself before. Her hand reached out to trace the planes of Casey's body. Everywhere her eyes went, her hand followed, until she reached Casey's cheek. Lust filled eyes bore into Casey and she felt her breath coming quicker again. Olivia cupped her cheek and looked deeply into her eyes trying to infuse Casey's being with feelings she could not articulate fully with words._

"_I want to make love to you Casey. Tonight. Here in my bed. I want to love your body and worship it as if it's sacred. I want to show you what you have done to me the last few weeks, what you do to me every minute of every day." She waited. _

"_Yes" she heard and it was all the confirmation she needed. _

Olivia pulled into the station. She had no memory of how she had arrived there. She had no memory of parking the car. She just suddenly found herself at the station, her hands at the 10 and 2 positions on the steering wheel.

"Oh God…I've been such a fucking idiot!" she shouted to no one. She put her head on the steering wheel just barely managing to stop herself from banging it hard.

"Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!"

And then Olivia understood what Josh meant about simplicity. It _was_ really very simple. She loved Casey. She loved her completely. She should have never tried to complicate it with her past, with her regrets, her what-ifs. It wasn't Alex that had mucked up the water. It was her.

_I've made such a huge mistake_


	14. Chapter 14

**An Honest Choice**

Title: An Honest Choice  
Author: Rosie Cruz  
Pairing: Casey/Olivia  
Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction. The characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. I just like to play with them. The story however is purely a creation of my imagination.

2007 © ROBC. The characters of Olivia Benson, Casey Novak, Elliot Stabler, John Munch, Fin, Cragen and Kathy Stabler belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. The story however is mine. All rights reserved. Copies of this may be printed for personal use only. No part of this story may be reproduced or reused for any other purpose without prior written permission.

Author's Note: I will be wrapping this up soon

**Chapter 14**

Elliot looked up to see his partner walking to her desk. He was glad to see that she had gotten back from hospital, but she looked a little…confused? No. Dumbstruck? Maybe. She didn't look at him and instead headed straight for her desk.

"Hey…Any luck with the vic?"

"What?" she said sounding a little dazed.

Eyebrows raised, Elliot tried again.

"Our rape victim?"

Olivia sat at her desk.

"Sorry, no. I tried everything I could think of. She might call. If she doesn't, I'll try again tomorrow." She pulled some files in front of her and started flipping through them. "Any other leads?" she asked.

"No. We're waiting on the results of the rape kit. At least she consented to a kit."

He continued to stare at her. She was fidgeting.

"Feel like lunch?" he asked.

"What?"

"Lunch, you know the meal in between breakfast and dinner? What's up with you anyway? Everything okay?"

"No," she said burying her head in the files again.

"Okay, come on. We're going for some lunch. I feel like a roast beef sandwich."

"I don't…" she started to protest. "Okay," she relented, never finishing her initial thought.

Fifteen minutes later they were in Central Park sitting on a park bench. Olivia sat, elbows on her knees, head down, hands holding her head as if it might just fall off her shoulders. She was breathing hard and Elliot thought for a moment that she might hyperventilate. He sat calmly eating a roast beef sandwich. He stopped chewing long enough to take a sip of the grape soda perched next to him. He had listened patiently while she explained what everyone except her already knew - she had made a monumental mistake. Then he made her sit and listen while he explained Kathy's theory that there was something inevitable about the whole thing.

"Listen Liv, this whole thing with Cabot coming back, ultimately it's a good thing," he said trying to sound hopeful.

He had been prepared for an explosion. To his surprise, none came. He waited for some reaction from her. Finally she lifted her head and looked at him with cold angry eyes.

"What the hell are you talking about? How can discovering that you have lost the love of your life to fulfill some played out fantasy be a good thing?"

Elliot just looked at her and shrugged before continuing.

"Liv, for the first time in a few weeks you are finally in your right mind. You know you made a mistake. You're no longer confused."

But she hadn't reacted to this revelation with joy. Instead she got angrier.

"Don't you get it? I've lost her and all I've gained is someone who says she wants a relationship, but can't acknowledge it, who cares more about her career than anything else, and who cannot give me what I want!"

"What is it that you want?"

"I want Casey," she said softly.

"You're right. Alex can't give you that. But that doesn't mean you can't get Casey back."

"I've hurt her! Badly. I can't go back. I can't fix this…this thing I've done. I can't undo this!"

"No, you can't, but…" he paused because even though he wanted to believe his next words, he wasn't sure they were true. "You and Casey should both be able to see something positive in this and move on stronger and better than you were before."

"Jesus Elliot, you don't get it! How do I make up for what I've done? There is no way to come back from that!" She was screaming now and drawing the attention of casual park goers.

"I'm surprised at you Liv. That's the attitude of a coward. Of course, you can't take back everything that's happened the last few weeks. But you don't need to do that. What I'm telling you is that you can get past this and you can get her back."

"How?"

He paused unsure of how much to reveal to Liv. He wanted to tell her everything. He had finally gotten Casey to open up to him a little the day before and while he didn't want to betray her confidence, he thought Liv needed to know some things.

"You know what Casey told me? She said that she always knew that Alex came first for you. She told me that for the first six months you were together, she was always afraid that Alex would come back and that would be the end of everything. After the first six months she convinced herself that Alex wasn't coming back, that she was dead. It was the only way she could give herself to you fully without the fear, but it was always a nagging thought in her head. For her there was always the possibility that Alex would return. Don't you see? You did exactly what she expected. It was her worst fears coming true. You confirmed what she had always been scared of - that she was second in your life."

He looked at her crestfallen face, bent down low. "But if I'm hearing you right, Casey was wrong. Casey comes first for you, doesn't she? You just didn't know really know it, until you were face to face with it."

"But I didn't make the right choice when I needed to. I was confused, so I stopped…thinking. All I could do was concentrate on the feeling of relief I had that she was back. I didn't think about the future or Casey. And when Casey left that night…I didn't do anything to stop her."

"Did you grieve for Alex when she left?"

She shifted in her seat uncomfortable with the question.

"Of course I did. You know I did. We both did. It was hard to get over, because I knew that she was still very much alive, but eventually I think I started to think of her as unavailable, at least to me."

"Olivia, I don't think anyone who has lost a loved one and grieved for that person would not willingly try to recapture what they had if that loved one came back. No matter what else is going on or has gone on that initial reaction is…instinctual." He paused.

Olivia was processing all of this trying desperately to understand what kind of comfort Elliot thought he was providing. When there was no response from her, he continued.

"I think…" he paused and took a breath. "I think I agree with Kathy. In some ways you needed to go through this. You needed to try and have a relationship with Alex even if it was ultimately doomed. You would have always regretted it if you hadn't tried. And eventually you might have resented Casey, for being the barrier between some fantasy-life you imagined with Alex and your real life. I don't know. Look, you and Alex weren't really given the chance to see if you could have had something. That decision was made for you by someone else. Maybe that's why you needed to go through this. You needed to see for yourself. The thing is…Casey got hurt and that sucks.

"If you want her back I think you need to convince her that your first choice wasn't really a choice at all. It was just something you needed to do. You need to convince her that she isn't just someone you turned to because you couldn't have Alex. She knows you love her Liv, but there was always this grain of insecurity in her that she was not your first choice. She needs to know that given an _honest_ choice, you would choose her. But in order for it to be an honest choice, you needed to be able to close the door on Alex first."

"Yeah but… now that I've worked all this out there's no guarantee that Casey will accept it. I mean I hurt her. I'm not sure I can…" she gulped. "I'm not sure I can get her back after all of this."

"If anyone can, you can. But she's not going to just accept a simple apology and a promise to love her forever. You're right, Casey has been deeply hurt. You have a very long, hard road ahead of you, but it's possible, don't you think? You have to believe it is."

Olivia looked at the trees lining the path that led out to a sunny courtyard. She was pretty sure that Elliot's attempts at psycho-babble about this being an experience they needed to go through would not convince Casey, but it did give her hope. She took a deep breath and tried to gain confidence from the fact that she felt better, certainly better than she had felt since this whole thing started. She was focused and her head was clear. She knew what she wanted. She had to get Casey back, but there was something she needed to do first.

* * *

Olivia stood at the door of Alex's new apartment, hands balled up into fists deep inside her leather jacket. She exhaled loudly trying to dispel the uneasiness she felt about what she was about to do. She knew it was right, but hurting someone was not easy. She withdrew her right her hand from her pocket and tapped softly, wanting to lengthen the moment between the hesitant knock and the door opening. The door swung open almost immediately.

"Hi," said Alex with a big grin. She grabbed Olivia's leather jacket and pulled her into the apartment, not waiting for Olivia to close the door behind her before throwing long arms around her neck and wrapping legs tightly around Olivia's waist. She felt Olivia's body stiffen, but quickly dismissed that as an insignificant fact. She pulled back to look at Olivia, trying to ignore the confused and almost pained look Olivia was leveling at her.

"You will never guess what happened to me today," she said kissing Olivia lightly and loosening her embrace. She relaxed her legs until she was back on solid ground and closed the door quickly.

"Branch offered me a new position: Bureau Chief in the Village." She moved towards the kitchen picking up two wooden utensils and beginning to toss the salad.

"That's great," muttered Olivia as she removed her jacket and placed it neatly on the coat rack. "So that's what all of this is about?" she said, gesturing to the large dimly lit room adjacent to the kitchen that served as Alex's dining room. She walked around slowly.

It was ensconced in candlelight. There were a dozen candles placed strategically around the room. The table was set for what looked like a romantic dinner. Olivia busied herself by looking around the room, figuring out angles, could she do this here, today? _I have to_, she thought solemnly. For the past few hours, she had been pondering how she should approach the Alex problem. She was not looking forward to this conversation, but after today's lunch with Elliot, she knew it had to be done and it had to be done soon.

She had been absolutely in love with Alex once. But things had changed. She had met Casey and things had never felt as right or as good with Alex as they had with Casey. Alex was intensity and longing, but there was something. With Alex she would never feel the warmth and tenderness she felt with Casey. It wasn't that Alex couldn't be warm and tender; it was just that their unique relationship was so thoroughly tied to this unbearable longing they had both felt for so long. With Alex it had always been either longing or simple friendship. She still loved Alex but it was not a love of lovers. In the end without the unbearable longing to fuel the fire there was nothing there but genuine care and friendship.

She was pulled out of her thoughts by Alex's appearance in the candlelit room. Placing the salad on the table, Alex continued talking incessantly about Branch. Olivia snapped to attention and decided she needed to get this over with before dinner. She stepped forward.

"Alex"

Alex noted the tone first. It was not the usual way Olivia addressed her. Gone was the smooth sultry voice that seemed to caress her. This was Olivia's serious voice and although Alex knew that what was coming next was not something she wanted to hear, she stopped. Soft footsteps approached her from behind. She felt Olivia's hands on her shoulder nudging her slightly. She turned, but did not look at her.

"We need to talk. Why don't we sit in the living room?" said Olivia.

Anger, anger was safe.

"No! Whatever you need to say can be said here."

She forced herself to step away from Olivia, away from her presence, away from her scent, her touch, everything. She knew she could not run from the voice, but it seemed safer to move away anyway. _Maybe it would hurt less._

"I can tell this isn't going to be one of our good conversations," she said trying to smile, but only managing a weak grimace.

"No, I guess not," said Olivia. She ran her hands through her short brown hair and looked inward trying to find something that would anchor her. The thought of Casey and what a future with Casey could look like did the trick.

"I don't think this is working, do you?" she said trying to engage the statuesque blond.

For a moment there was no response from the corner of the room Alex had staked out as hers. After a minute of silence, Alex spoke.

"Funny, I thought it was actually."

"Alex, me and you, this thing we have, it isn't working."

Alex frowned.

"Is this about my career? About my need to not have our relationship be public?"

"I guess…in part," Olivia faltered. She blew out a breath. "Alex the whole thing just isn't working."

"Decide which it is Olivia. Are you leaving me because you aren't happy with the relationship or are you unhappy with the person in the relationship?"

"What? No, I mean yes…"

"You can't have it both ways," said Alex. "If it's the relationship, we can work on that. You have a problem with me dating guys or showing up with someone else at political events? Fine, I don't have to do that. You want…" and here she wavered because she wasn't sure she could really fulfill this part. "If you want a more public relationship, I can…work on that, but you have to be patient with me, Olivia. There is a lot at stake for me!"

"For me too, Alex! And for the record, no, I don't want a more public relationship. I… I don't think that would make you happy. Your career is important to you and I wouldn't want you to sabotage it for me."

"So then it's the person in the relationship?"

Olivia was silent. She wasn't quite sure how to respond to that.

"It's her, isn't it?" she said not looking at Olivia.

"Alex, I want...I need…"

"Casey?"

Olivia's head snapped up. "I was going to say more, but…yes I need Casey."

"You need Casey? Or is Casey more?"

"Yes and yes."

Alex put her head in her hands. She had to think of something to make Olivia stay. She needed to make her stay until she figured out what to do.

"Olivia, I'm willing to work on this. I want to be with you. When I was in Witness Protection, I would look in the mirror every morning, and try to remind myself that I was Alexandra Cabot, that I had a life and a career and people who cared about me. I swore to myself that given the opportunity, I would get that back, all of it. My biggest regret was you." She looked up, watery blue eyes shiny in the candlelight.

"Part of the reason I never said anything to you about my feelings was that it didn't fit into my plan. I wanted to be DA and eventually go into politics. Having a relationship with a woman certainly did not fit into those plans. So I said nothing and hoped it would go away. Then it did. In one moment I lost everything. The career I had worked so hard for was derailed and all the sacrifices I had made seemed pointless…such a waste. Chief among those sacrifices was that I never said anything to you, even though I knew you had feelings for me. I swore that given the chance I would not make that same mistake. I was smart enough. I would make it all work. That particular little fantasy of having it all – you and the career - kept me hopeful."

She was pacing slowly now, but keeping her distance from Olivia.

"When Velez was killed I felt like I was going to get the opportunity to make good on my promise." She took a breath before continuing: "Except the fantasy wasn't as complicated as the real thing. I hadn't expected you to be with anyone…But I thought that was a minor complication."

There was a long pause in which neither woman spoke. Then Alex continued:

"I knew that I was asking you to make a huge sacrifice keeping our relationship secret. I thought it would be enough though. I thought our love was strong enough to weather that…inconvenience." She paused. "But you've changed a lot."

"I guess I have. It's not enough anymore to just love you in secret. I need a companion not just a lover," said Olivia.

Olivia walked over to the window and then turned around. She needed Alex to understand.

"It's been a surprise to me too, to find that the thing I want is the thing I thought was least important to me. The idea of family always brought out such… negativity in me that I had given up on ever having it or anything like it."

"But you found it, didn't you? With Casey," said Alex's soft voice.

"Yeah, I did. And it's the darnedest thing," Olivia chuckled. She put a hand to her neck wanting to ease the ache that had appeared there suddenly.

"You know Elliot is forever inviting me over for holidays and family gatherings. I only went rarely before I met Casey. The few times I did it just made me sad. Here he had this wonderful family and they were good, but I couldn't feel the goodness. I could see it. I could describe it. In a strange way, I could even be a part of it, but I could never really feel it. So I decided I could never have that kind of future. I just knew that family and this idea of domestic tranquility was just not for me, because I could never feel that goodness." She paused and turned around to face the window again. "And then Casey came into my life and..." she broke off leaving the thought unfinished. Silence permeated the room. Finally Olivia's voice broke the tense stillness.

"The first time we were invited to a barbeque at the Stabler's as a couple, I was going to tactfully decline, but Casey got so excited about it. I think it reminded her of her own family. So we went and I saw her and the way she interacted with Elliot's kids, with Kathy, with everybody and it made me feel so good. It was incredible. I finally felt it."

She turned around to look at Alex.

"I really felt it, the goodness. I want that."

Alex didn't want to hear this. She didn't need to hear about how good Casey made Olivia feel. _It was cruel to have to hear that_, she thought. Her anger came back.

"That's not really fair to Casey, is it?"

Olivia was thrown by the question. She crossed her arms.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I'm sorry, but it sounds like you don't want Casey per se, but what you think she represents: family and stability. You should want her for her, not because of the things you think she can give you."

Olivia was looking directly at Alex's fiery eyes.

"You're right. I haven't been fair to Casey. She opened up this wonderful new world for me and I treated her like shit. When you came back, I…I didn't know what to think. It wasn't until much later that I realized the reason I even wanted those things – family, companionship, love, security – whatever you want to call it, was because I would have them with her. I do want Casey for her, because she brings goodness to my life, something I thought I was incapable of feeling and that goodness - makes the rest of it possible."

Olivia turned slowly again to the large window in Alex's dining room. She put her hands in the pockets of her jeans, wistfully wishing that she had been smarter sooner, that she had known earlier what she knew now. Perhaps there would have been less pain for everyone if she had.

"I'm sorry Alex, but the reason it won't work between us is because you're not Casey."

Alex gasped. The intensity behind Olivia's declaration was powerful. There would be no making Olivia stay.

"Then I guess you should go," she said quietly. Olivia wanted to go to her, to provide some comfort, but she knew it would be rejected. Alex was hurting and she wanted to kick herself for causing two people that she loved so much pain. She grabbed her jacket and with one final look at Alex's tense back, she walked away.


	15. Chapter 15

**An Honest Choice**

Title: An Honest Choice  
Author: Rosie Cruz  
Pairing: Casey/Olivia  
Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction. The characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. I just like to play with them. The story however is purely a creation of my imagination.

2007 © Rosie Cruz. The characters of Olivia Benson, Casey Novak, Elliot Stabler, John Munch, Fin, Cragen and Kathy Stabler belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. The story however is mine. All rights reserved. Copies of this may be printed for personal use only. No part of this story may be reproduced or reused for any other purpose without prior written permission.

**Chapter 15**

_Early Friday Morning_

Olivia spent the night trying to find sleep. She was exhausted, but the thoughts whirling in her head had her all worked up, so sleep was eluding her. She had hurdled one obstacle in her quest to get Casey back by finally ending the ruse that was her relationship with Alex. She still had no idea how she was going to convince Casey to take her back, but she wasn't dwelling on that. She just needed to act. She had no choice.

Although she barely slept, she had no trouble bounding out of bed the next morning. All night she had been contemplating what to say to Casey. She still didn't know. In 15 minutes, she was out of the house and heading for Casey's favorite coffee shop; the one she usually frequented for her morning coffee. She arrived just as the doors were unlocking for the day. Ordering a large cup, she sat and waited.

When Casey walked in 2 hours later, she did not notice Olivia sitting at a table near the window. She simply took her place in the long line. She gave a friendly smile to the clerk, placed her order, and was about to hand over cash to pay for her coffee, when a tall brunette appeared at her side deftly handing money to the clerk who looked uneasily at Casey.

"Coffee's on me," said Olivia with a nervous smile.

Casey was speechless. She didn't know what was going on, but her desire to flee the premises rapidly outweighed her pride in that moment and she nodded to the clerk, who finished the transaction.

Coffee in hand she turned to Olivia.

"Thanks"

She started to walk away and Olivia followed.

"Can we talk?" asked Olivia indicating the table by the window where she had spent the last couple of hours.

Casey was nervous. They had just barely learned to deal with each other professionally. She wasn't sure she could handle a talk. But she found herself unable to say anything, so instead she took the few short steps to the table and sat down, wondering where this was coming from and where it was all going.

Olivia looked nervous too. She tried to start the conversation with some innocent comments about the weird cold front they were experiencing, but Casey stopped her.

"What do you want, Detective Benson?"

Olivia's gaze wandered to the tabletop. She frowned.

"You used to call me Olivia." There was no response from the other side of the table. "Have dinner with me." she blurted out without looking up.

Casey was stunned. No, she was flabbergasted.

"I'm not sure your girlfriend appreciates you asking another woman out Olivia."

"I uh…." Olivia struggled with her response. "We're not together," she said neutrally, not looking at Casey.

Casey was staring, a look of incredulity on her face. She knew that Branch had offered Alex the Bureau Chief position and now Olivia was telling her that they weren't together? A story began to develop in Casey's brain. _Alex is moving on to bigger and better things and has dumped you because it's a high profile position and she doesn't need this "unacceptable" lifestyle to jeopardize everything. So now you come back to me, your safety net? Fuck you Olivia!_

"She dumped you, didn't she?" she spoke out loud, her hands curled around the warm coffee cup, her eyes focused on the intricate patterns of the table.

"Um…." Olivia was about to answer no, when warning bells started ringing in her head. The only problem was she didn't know where the danger lay. "Um…not exactly," she said sounding unsure.

"Look, just have dinner with me tonight. Please? I need to talk to you, to explain some things." She tried smiling. "I've missed you."

To Casey it was a confirmation of her earlier thoughts and she turned her head towards the windows in the coffee shop. _I will not cry_, she chanted in her head over and over again. _I will not cry_.

Olivia reached for Casey's hand without thinking, wanting a connection. Casey caught the movement from the corner of her eye and violently pulled her hands back, propelling the coffee cup forward awkwardly and spilling some of the contents. "I have to go," she said rising from the table. She walked toward the door, leaving the cup of coffee abandoned on the table.

"Casey"

Try as she might, she could not prevent her body's instinctual reaction to the sound of her name rolling off Olivia's lips. She stopped, trying desperately to compose herself. She closed her eyes and slowly turned.

"I can't do this Olivia."

Finally her eyes opened and Olivia could see moistness in a sea of emerald.

"I won't be the one you turn to when the one you want doesn't want you."

And with that final statement, Casey turned around, long trench coat whirling around her like a cape and walked out the door. And suddenly Olivia felt like she had been punched in the gut, so much so, that she almost reached for her stomach before realizing that she hadn't really been punched.

She just sat there in shock, feeling utterly and completely helpless. She hadn't seen this coming. She should have, but she had been so caught up in the joy and liberating feeling of knowing, without a shadow of doubt, what she wanted, that she didn't stop to think of what it would look like to Casey. Alex's promotion, their breakup - it would look so convenient to Casey. _Alex is moving on and can't take you with so, you come running back. I hope you're right, Elliot. I hope I can get her back, because I don't think I can live without her._

One good thing had come from her two-hour vigil at the coffee shop however. At least now she knew what she needed to say to Casey. She needed to convince Casey that she wasn't an alternate. She needed to convince her that she _**was**_ Olivia's choice – the only choice Olivia could possibly make. _Fuck!_ _How the hell am I supposed to do that?_


	16. Chapter 16

**An Honest Choice**

Title: An Honest Choice  
Author: Rosie Cruz  
Pairing: Casey/Olivia  
Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction. The characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. I just like to play with them. The story however is purely a creation of my imagination.

2007 © Rosie Cruz. The characters of Olivia Benson, Casey Novak, Elliot Stabler, John Munch, Fin, Cragen and Kathy Stabler belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. The story however is mine. All rights reserved. Copies of this may be printed for personal use only. No part of this story may be reproduced or reused for any other purpose without prior written permission.

**Chapter 16**

_Early Friday Afternoon_

The office was abuzz with talk of Alex Cabot's promotion to Bureau Chief. Casey tried really hard to insulate herself from it. Seeing Olivia in the coffee shop that morning had affected her more than she was willing to admit and she was honestly just sick of the name Alexandra Cabot. She had closed the door to her office, but people just kept barging in. Some had legitimate work questions, others just wanted to gossip and some were fishing for her reaction. After all, most everyone had heard that the next promotion should have been hers. Branch had practically promised it to her. She was seriously considering just keeping her bat directly on her desk, hoping it would serve as a deterrent, but she doubted it would work.

She didn't tell them that he had indeed offered it to her first. She didn't tell them that she had turned it down because it meant leaving the family she had made at SVU. Besides, it had never been her ambition to be Bureau Chief. She was happy with her job.

She glanced at her watch.

11:45 am.

_It's now or never, Novak._

She blew out a breath and tried to center herself breathing deeply in and out. Her eyes closed, she tried to visualize herself going over to Alex's office to congratulate her. _It'll only take a minute and then you never have to speak to her again,_ she told herself. She gathered her courage, took a final deep breath and made her way to the office across the hall.

The door was closed. She thought about turning back as she stood hovering in the hall.

_Nope, she doesn't control this, I do._

Demonstrating more resolve than she actually felt, she took those final steps across the hall and knocked. She didn't wait for a response from the other side, so intent on her actions that she opened the door before hearing permission to enter.

There was Alex standing by the window, staring out onto the unusually chilly day. She didn't turn around or acknowledge the intrusion. She just continued to stand there, staring blankly out the window.

"I just wanted to congratulate you on your promotion," Casey said quickly. She waited for a response from Alex, but Alex just continued standing by the window. Casey started to back out, closing the door as she went. Alex's voice stopped her.

"You won the ultimate prize, I think."

"I'm not sure what you mean," said Casey shifting uncomfortably. She just wanted to offer simple congratulations to Alex, not engage in this annoying banter.

Alex turned from the window and walked back toward her desk. "She really loves you, you know. Cherish it."

Annoyed, but now curious, Casey walked all the way into the office, discreetly closing the door behind her. "I'm a little lost here Alex. You'll have to fill me in."

"Come on, Casey. You don't have to pretend you don't know, although based on what Olivia's told me about you; it isn't surprising that you would try to make things easier. I'm sure she practically ran to you last night after she left my apartment."

Alex didn't see the confused look on Casey's face. She was too busy staring at the papers on her desk. She had known that she would need to have this conversation at some point, but she wanted more time to get used to the idea of Olivia and Casey. And right now she was having a hard time quelling her anger, knowing it was probably misplaced. She was angry at life, at fate, maybe even at Olivia for not choosing her, for loving someone else. But she didn't want to be angry with Casey, whom she had hurt and who had been just as much a victim in all of this as she had, thrust into a situation that she did not choose and then falling in love. She could never really blame her for that. She had to be careful, cool, controlled. She walked back to the window wanting to put some distance between herself and Casey.

"What in the hell are you talking about?" asked Casey hands crossed and looking thoroughly annoyed.

Alex ignored her, focusing on maintaining some semblance of balance in this conversation. Finally, when she felt a little more in control, a little more herself, she turned to face Casey again. Plastering what she was sure was a phony smile on her face she walked back over to her desk.

"Promise me that you'll make her happy."

Casey rolled her eyes, exasperated with the conversation and the fact that she was missing pieces the blond assumed she had.

"Alex, I appreciate your advice, but I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about."

"Didn't Olivia come to see you last night?"

"No, why would she? I saw her unexpectedly this morning, but…we didn't talk for very long."

She looked down as she said the last part, thinking about how angry she had been that Olivia had asked to have dinner with her and her mind finally drew out the one piece of conversation that in her anger she had purposely ignored.

"_We're not together."_

"_She dumped you, didn't she?"_

"_Um…not exactly."_

It was right there, but she had ignored it, just assuming that Alex had dumped Olivia, because why would Olivia break things off with Alex, who had been her dream, her only true regret? That just didn't make any sense.

"She left _you_?"

Alex's eyes narrowed trying to focus, as it finally dawned on her that Casey had no clue what she was talking about. She gathered herself together.

"It appeared that way last night," she said.

A loud knock startled the two women making them jump. Without waiting for a response the door opened wide and Munch appeared on the other side, out of breath, his face looking haggard.

"Alex have you seen Casey?" he said as he opened the door. He broke off as soon as he saw her standing in front of Alex's desk. "Casey," he said much softer. "We have some… not good news." He was at her side immediately and guiding her to a seat in front of Alex's desk. Briefly he turned to Alex, "you might want to sit down too."

"Oh God, Olivia," said Casey trying in vain to suppress the gasp that came from her mouth.

Alex sat down quickly, the cold mask she used often when faced with life's pain firmly in place. "What happened?" she demanded.

Munch's attention was solely on Casey, but he spared her a glance as he began.

"Elliot and Olivia were called to a branch office of Children and Family Services. Apparently, a mother came in and reported that she thought her daughter was being abused by her husband and she didn't know what to do. The social worker called us. Olivia and Elliot responded to the call. The father figured out where his wife and daughter had disappeared to and went, in his words, "to get them back." Unfortunately, he has access to a gun. Elliot was able to get out with the rest of the office workers, but the guy has taken the mother and daughter and Olivia hostage. Olivia had been interviewing them alone while Elliot talked to the social worker."

Casey rose from her chair. "I have to go down there." A strong hand on her arm nearly spun her around.

"Whoa there, Stabler sent me over to make sure you stayed here. Olivia wouldn't want you down there, Casey. You know Olivia's like a sister to him. He'll make sure she's okay. Fin is on his way down there, along with the Captain."

Tears streaked freely down Casey's pale face. "Oh my God, this can't be happening."

On the other side of the desk, tears were also falling on the neat stack of papers Alex had been reviewing that morning. She looked down and wiped them. _Casey's being treated like the wife_, she thought and was surprised that that didn't seem wrong.

Casey was close to losing it – just this morning Olivia's nervous face had been asking her out to dinner and she had spat on the gesture and walked out. A soft chirping brought her out of her thoughts. She reached for the cell phone clipped to her pantsuit.

"Novak," she said automatically as she flipped open her phone. The office was silent as Casey listened to the person on the other end.

"I'm coming down there," she paused again. "Elliot, listen to me, this is not up for discussion. I'm going to have Munch drive me down." She closed the phone and stood up.

"That was Elliot. It's over. They got him. He says Olivia's fine, but she's hurt. John, can you…" she let the question just float.

"Of course," he said. He put his hand on her back and started to guide her to the door.

Casey stopped before exiting and turned to Alex.

"Are you coming?" she asked.

Alex picked up her purse and followed.

* * *

The ride to the scene was tense. No one spoke. Casey was trying not to think. She just needed to make sure Olivia was alright and then she needed to go somewhere and be alone. Her mind was jumbled. She felt much like she did on that Thursday night when Alex had shown up at Olivia's door. Without warning, without allowing for any preparation, her life had just changed again. She was tired. She wanted to close her eyes and forget everything, but she couldn't just yet. First she needed to make sure Olivia was alright.

Alex sat in the back of the squad car pondering how she had gotten here. She was Alexandra Cabot. She shouldn't be sitting in the back of a car unless she was being chauffeured and yet, here she was in the back of a squad car, wondering what she was doing there. She cared about Olivia and so had not hesitated to join them when Casey extended the invitation. But her role here was ambiguous, at least to her. John Munch didn't seem in the least bit confused, his attention focused almost entirely on the redhead seated in the front.

The scene was a mad house with press vans, reporters and curious onlookers scattered around the area. Munch pulled the car as close as he could and then got out. He walked over to the passenger's side, but Casey was already out of the car and searching frantically. Suddenly everyone's attention was drawn to a team of paramedics wheeling out a gurney out of the front door of the office building. All three of them were craning their necks trying to make out the person on the gurney. Alex recognized Elliot's tense face following the paramedics and touched Casey's shoulder to draw her attention. Suddenly, they both knew who was on that gurney.

* * *

The gurney was being wheeled into St. Vincent's Emergency Room by two paramedics. Casey was running alongside, trying to maintain contact with Olivia for as long as possible. The short Latino man began shouting a report as soon as he saw a nurse and doctor approach.

Casey knew the injury was probably not bad. Elliot had tried to calm her down when Olivia was first wheeled out of the office building that housed child welfare. She vaguely recalled him saying that Olivia had passed out, but that he thought she was okay.

"_She was talking to me five minutes ago Casey. She's gonna be fine." He was trying to get her to focus on him, but her eyes never left the gurney that was being lifted onto the waiting ambulance. _

"_Go with her," he said finally, letting go of the vice grip he had on her shoulders. She ran past him and was at Olivia's side in seconds. "I'm going," she said matter-of-factly at the questioning looks she got from the paramedics. The shorter one simply replied "just stay out of the way, okay."_

_She hopped on and automatically reached for Olivia's hand. "Olivia," she called willing a response from the prone body being worked on by paramedics. "I'm here, baby. I'm right here," were the only words she could get out before the tears came again. _

Before she knew it, they were at the hospital and she was running alongside the gurney as they busted through the ER doors.

They were about to go into one of the many rooms in the hospital when she found herself face to face with a tall nurse. "I'm sorry ma'am, only the patient from this point forward." Casey could not see her clearly through the tears. "Where should I …wait?" she asked.

"Nurse, I need you in there with her now." The nurse stepped away from Casey as the doctor who had given the order stepped into the space the nurse had just left.

"Casey. She's going to be fine okay. I'm going to go in there and check her out and I'll be right back to tell you about it, okay?" said Josh. She nodded her head, barely registering that the doctor was someone she knew.

"Where's Elliot?" he asked.

"Right here," said the voice of Olivia's partner striding up with Alex.

Josh wasted no time. "I need you to tell me what happened."

Elliot looked tense, but he slipped into cop mode easily. "She took the guy out, but he must have got in a hit. It was over when we got there. He was cuffed and on the floor. Olivia was on the floor too holding her head. She told us that he was erratic. She noticed the safety was still on the gun and took a chance. They scuffled." He let out a breath. "She started to get up and she looked fine to me. I called Casey. Then she just collapsed. She passed out. The ambulance guys got in there about five minutes after that, but they couldn't get her up."

"Thanks Elliot. I need you to take Casey into that waiting area in there. I'll be out as soon as I can." And with that he stepped away from Casey and into the room where they had only moments ago taken Olivia.

Elliot put his arm around Casey and led her to the waiting area. She sat on her hands in the nearest chair. Elliot sat next to her.

"Casey, I'm no doctor, but I think she's going to be fine. She had taken the guy out by the time I got there. He just got a lucky hit in. She didn't even pass out right away. She was talking to me, telling me what happened. It was when she tried to stand up that she passed out. She lost some blood, but she's going to be okay." He was blabbering and he knew it, but he didn't know what else to do to ease Casey's worry.

"Thanks Elliot," she said. "Where's the perp?"

"Fin and Munch are booking him."

She nodded again. Alex stood on the other side of the room, finding herself in an awkward position. Her conversation with Casey earlier in the day was still fresh in her mind. It had been only a few hours since her and Olivia had officially broken up, clearly not enough time for the whole force to know. And yet, everyone had treated Casey like the grieving partner or spouse. _Why wouldn't they?_ _You made Olivia keep your relationship a secret. You even dated other guys so people wouldn't suspect._ She looked over at Casey, still distraught and on edge. Alex was too, but Elliot was not inquiring as to her well-being nor was he making an effort to comfort her. _So now you have doubts Cabot?_

She had made such a mess of things. She could see that now. When she had first come out of Witness Protection, she was so caught up in getting justice for herself, so intent on getting her life back, that she had not considered anything or anyone else. She never stopped to think about Casey and Olivia's relationship. She had just taken what she thought was hers without regard for what anybody else wanted. She assumed that Olivia would take her on any conditions, given what the two of them had been through. She had been wrong. Olivia had found something very special in Casey and Alex had not seen that. She had not wanted to see it.

* * *

Josh finished his examination. Her vitals were good. He ordered a CT scan since head injuries tended to be tricky. They had temporarily stopped the bleeding from the cut in her head with bandages, but she would need stitches to close up the wound. He was about to start stitching the cut but decided to give the anesthetic a few minutes to numb the skin behind her ear, where he guessed the back of a pistol had produced a sizeable gash. Deciding to use the few minutes to go out and talk to Casey and company, he gave some instructions to the nurse and walked out of the room.

Casey was on her feet and heading towards him, before he was anywhere near the waiting area. She searched his eyes, unable to speak, looking for signs of worry or distress in his face.

"She's fine," he said with an easy smile. "Relax Casey, before I have you admitted."

He gently reached for her arm, guiding her back to the waiting area as he began to talk.

"She lost a lot of blood, but we're stitching her up. We're sending her for a CT scan to check out the head injury. My guess is that she has a mild concussion, the result of the blows to her head."

Everyone visibly relaxed as he continued. Alex had moved closer to where they stood and Josh made sure to direct his conversation to her as well.

"The only real worry we have right now is that she hasn't re-gained consciousness."

Casey's eyes closed.

"But I think the prolonged state of unconsciousness is a result of the minor head injury coupled with the blood loss. The body is very smart and it will sometimes shut down in an effort to conserve energy for healing. I wouldn't be surprised if she's awake when I go back." He smiled at Casey again. "Relax," he entreated.

"I'm going to go back there and put in her stitches and then you guys can come in and see her, okay"

"Thanks Josh. We'll hang tight here until then," said Elliot.

Josh nodded before turning to walk back the way he came.

* * *

When he entered the small hospital room, Olivia was indeed waking up.

"I think she's coming around doctor," said the tall nurse standing beside the bed.

"It certainly looks that way," he said as he slipped on his latex gloves. "Hey Olivia, ready to join us yet, because I'm sure you'll want to be awake for the stitches." Her head was turning from side to side slowly, but her eyes had not opened. Instead her lips started to move trying to form words. She coughed. "Casey?"

"No, not yet, but she'll be here soon. You want to wake up for us Olivia?"

She was frowning now still shaking her head as she called for Casey again. Josh dipped his latex covered fingers in the glass of water perched on a tray. He sprinkled some on her face in an effort to wake her. She squeezed her eyes tighter and continued shaking her head.

"Nurse, can you walk out to the waiting area and tell Ms. Casey Novak that someone is asking for her. Maybe that will help her wake up." The nurse walked out of the room quickly. "She's on her way Olivia, but I need you to wake up okay? You've given everyone quite a scare including my friend Casey out there."

He took off the gloves and picked up her chart. He looked at his patient as he jotted some more notes. She seemed to have settled down after he told her Casey was on her way. "Stubborn," he said to no one in particular.

* * *

The nurse made her way to the waiting area and quietly asked for Casey Novak. Casey stood up quick as a lightning bolt. "Yes"

"Can you come with me please?"

"Is anything wrong?" Elliot was on his feet too.

"No sir, the patient is asking for Casey. That's you, right? Dr. Hart seems to think that you might help her to wake up."

"How can she ask for me if she's not awake?"

"It takes time for people to emerge from a state of unconsciousness. She is starting to come to, but she won't open her eyes. Please follow me."

Casey took one last look at Elliot and followed the nurse.

* * *

Olivia looked much better than she had in the ambulance. Her color was returning and she had been cleaned up. Josh put the chart down as soon as she walked in and reached for another pair of latex gloves. Casey stood by the hospital bed and without thinking picked up Olivia's left hand.

"Hey sweetheart", she said feeling much better in that moment than she had all day.

Being able to see Olivia, to know she was alright did wonders for her soul. She steadfastly refused to think about the implications of the events of today and how it was Casey's name on Olivia's lips and not Alex's.

And then just as Josh had expected it to, the scene unfolded in front of him as if he were watching it on a big movie screen. At the sound of Casey's voice, Olivia's eyes opened. She smiled.

"Hello," she said.

Casey could not help the surge of relief that filled her heart nor the full out smile that she gave Olivia. "Hi," she said as she reached over to move stray strands of rich brown hair from Olivia's forehead. Olivia squeezed the hand that was gently holding hers, feeling like her world was right for the first time in a long time. Then her head started pounding in a way that could not be ignored. She closed her eyes, grimacing at the pain.

"Ouch. What happened?"

"You got hit on the head, probably with a pistol. Twice," said Josh from behind Casey.

Casey flinched, her body reacting to the image her brain had just conjured at his description.

"That'll do it every time," said Olivia as her free hand reached for her head. "Hurts," she said weakly.

"We'll give you some Tylenol. But now that you're awake, mind if I take a look at you?"

"And if I say I do mind?"

"Then, you'll have to deal with Casey here," he said smiling.

Pleading brown eyes looked up at Casey.

"It's for your own good," said Casey. "Besides you deserve it after scaring the hell out of me…I mean us."

Olivia looked down sheepishly. "Does this mean you'll reconsider and have dinner with me?"

Casey did not have a reply to that request. "Let's let Josh take a look at you, okay?"

Josh smiled. He hated to break up their little reunion, but there were things he needed to do. "I'm going to need you to step outside again Casey, just until I finish with the stitches. Thanks for getting her up. I'll come get you when I'm finished."

She nodded and walked out of the room as he took out his little pen light and began his examination. He asked Olivia to sit up and pointed his flashlight right into her eye. A blinding pain caused her to shut her eyes almost immediately.

"Well I guess we don't really need that CT scan - definitely a concussion. Alright, Detective, ready for the stitches?"

She nodded, but he doubted she was really hearing him; her eyes were pinned wistfully on the door Casey had just exited.

"Take these," he said as he handed her two plain white pills. "They'll help with the headache…eventually. I'm sorry, I have to stitch you up or you'll keep bleeding all over the place, so sit still and let me at it. I promise to do it neat."

She settled back on the pillows after taking the pills and turned her head as he positioned himself into a comfortable stance and began working. The room was quiet while he worked. The minutes extended until Josh's voice broke the interminable silence.

"Okay, all done," he said as he began putting his instruments away.

"Thanks. You're pretty good. I didn't even feel that."

"That's because I numbed you up a bit before you woke up. Anyway, I'm not going to cancel the CT scan, but I think you just have a mild concussion. Policy says we keep you here overnight unless you have someone that can observe you at home and wake you up every few hours."

"I'd only want Casey."

"Then I suggest you ask her, because otherwise you're getting a room." Josh stood up and began stripping his latex gloves. "I'm sending everyone in, if that's okay."

She nodded, but her mind was not with his words. They had other more pressing matters to consider.

* * *

Josh walked out to inform everyone that they could see her, but found only Elliot and Alex in the waiting area.

"Where's Casey?" he asked.

"Kathy, my wife, took her to get a cup of coffee. Is everything all right? Can we see her now?"

"Yeah, go ahead. One at a time for now, okay?" He smiled and walked away confident that they would work out the one at a time business on their own.

* * *

Elliot walked into the hospital room and smiled at his partner.

"So you think this was the best time to ask her out?" he asked.

"I'm going to keep asking her whenever and wherever until she says yes," said Olivia, her eyes, still sensitive to the light, remained closed.

He smiled again. Casey had been stunned when she walked out of the hospital room. He had met her outside and walked back to the waiting area with her. She had absently answered his question about what happened, by telling him that Olivia had asked her out.

"So, Casey knows it's over between you and Alex?"

"Kind of."

"What does that mean?"

"I couldn't figure out how to tell her without making her feel like the second choice again. Fuck my head hurts. I really don't need this headache now."

"You don't think in this situation, you might have just opted for telling her the truth? 'Hey Casey, I thought about it and you're what I've wanted all along so I broke up with Alex and want you back' sounds easy enough."

"That sounds like: 'Hey Casey it didn't work so I want you back,'" she said frowning.

She could feel him staring at her and didn't dare open her eyes.

"Liv," he began sounding a bit annoyed. "There is no way to word it, so it doesn't sound like that. Stop hiding. Just fess up to it. When Alex came back, you made a choice. No one made it for you, not Casey, not Alex. Just tell her that you were wrong."

She squeezed her eyes and her hand went to her head again. He softened his voice, "You might want to throw in something about making it up to her for the rest of your life too."

"Thanks," she said.

She knew he was right, but right now she needed to get rid of this headache so she could come up with something that would convince Casey to come home with her tonight.

"Alex is out there too you know," Elliot said interrupting her musings.

Olivia did not respond.

"Do you want to see her?" he prompted.

She opened her eyes slowly trying to adjust to the light.

"I suppose it's the thing to do," she said.

"Yes," he responded. "You might want to do it now while Casey's getting coffee."

She sighed. "Okay, send her in."

He nodded and turned to walk out. "Would you like me to check back in a few minutes?"

She nodded. "That would be good. Thanks Elliott, for everything."

"Don't get used to it. I can't always be straightening out your love life, you know," he mocked.

* * *

Alex pushed the door open slowly. Olivia was awake, but her head was turned and she seemed to be staring at the dingy window in her room with half closed eyes.

"Hey," said Alex softly.

"Hey," said Olivia, an easy smile coming to her face as she greeted her visitor.

"How are you feeling?"

Alex made her way to the bed, but was careful not to touch Olivia.

"Okay, I guess. My head hurts, which I am told is to be expected."

The two women stared at each other.

"Well, I'm glad you're okay," said Alex breaking the stony silence.

"Yeah thanks," said Olivia.

There was another uncomfortable pause, and then suddenly both women spoke at once.

"Olivia"

"Alex"

"You first," said Olivia,

"Okay," said Alex contemplating whether she should sit down. Deciding that this visit would be short, she opted to remain standing.

"Olivia. I'm glad you're okay," she paused clearing her throat. "I just wanted to say that I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for Alex."

"Yes, I think I do. When I came back, I wanted everything to be the same. I wanted things to be like they were before…well maybe a little better than before. I didn't stop to think that while time seemed to stop for me, it hadn't for anyone else. I'm sorry I came between you and Casey. That was wrong."

"Yeah, it was. But…I still don't think you have anything to be sorry for. Alex, I could have prevented all of this and I didn't. There's nothing I can do about that now. I just want to move past this and get Casey back. She's all that matters."

"I can see that now."

She paused unsure if they had anything else to say to each other.

"Take care, Olivia. I hope someday we can be friends again," she said as she made her way to the door.

"We will," said Olivia. There was a hint of sadness in her voice as she continued, "But Alex…" she waited for Alex to turn around, "I can't be friends with you right now. I need to concentrate on Casey. I hope you understand."

Alex was at the door. "Yes, I think I do."

She walked out, the door closing softly behind her.


	17. Chapter 17

**An Honest Choice**

Title: An Honest Choice  
Author: Rosie Cruz  
Pairing: Casey/Olivia  
Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction. The characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. I just like to play with them. The story however is purely a creation of my imagination.

2007 © ROBC. The characters of Olivia Benson, Casey Novak, Elliot Stabler, John Munch, Fin, Cragen and Kathy Stabler belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. The story however is mine. All rights reserved. Copies of this may be printed for personal use only. No part of this story may be reproduced or reused for any other purpose without prior written permission.

Author's Note: Wordy little expository chapter here, but we are definitely coming to an end.

**Chapter 17**

_**Friday Night**_

It had been next to impossible to convince Casey to accompany Olivia home from the hospital. Olivia had enlisted both Josh and Elliot's help and when Casey finally agreed to spend the night just in case anything happened, Olivia could have scaled the building with the positive energy coursing through her. With Olivia's care handled, Elliot left the hospital and returned to work saying something about wanting to make sure the evidence against Olivia's attacker was solid. Now only Casey and Olivia remained in the hospital awaiting Olivia's discharge.

Casey was tired. Her world was upside down and inside out. This morning Olivia had told her she missed her and in the afternoon she had gotten herself clocked over the head with the back of a pistol. Alex was seemingly out of the picture and now Casey had just agreed to go home with Olivia. She sat in the uncomfortable chair provided by the hospital not speaking, just rolling around the events of the day in her head, over and over, trying to make sense of them.

"Casey"

She heard the voice, but refused to open her eyes, not yet ready to deal with anything.

"Casey?"

Breathing out an exasperated sigh, Casey opened her eyes and saw Olivia's anxious ones looking at her.

"Yes?" she responded.

"Thanks for agreeing to come home with me. I really appreciate it."

"You're welcome."

"I just need to be upfront with you, because I don't want there to be any misunderstandings between us."

"Olivia, this has been stressful enough without us getting into something, okay? Let's just get you well and then we can…talk."

"I'm sorry Casey, but I can't wait. I've been stupid for way too long to wait."

Casey straightened up in the chair. She wasn't ready for this. She knew it. She rested her arms on her knees and put her head down.

"Olivia…I just don't think I can do this now."

"Okay, I respect that, but I need you to know something. We don't have to discuss it tonight if you don't want, but I need you to know that I... I want you back, Casey. I made a mistake and I'm going to do everything in my power to show you how much I love you and how much I regret the last few weeks."

Casey couldn't help the tears. She had never cried so much in her life as she had in the last month. Her body felt as if it was zipping down a very fast, very dangerous 50 foot drop on a rickety roller coaster. It was both terrifying and exhilarating. She didn't know what to say, how she should respond, so she said nothing and kept her head down.

"Casey. I love you. I want you – only you."

That broke her resolve. She put her face in her hands, trying to stop the tears. She wanted to scream. A part of her wanted to run, to get away from the force that had been twisting her around like a leaf on the wind tossed this way and that for a month. But another part wanted to soar, wanted to leap into Olivia's arms and just stay there. Mostly, she wanted to stop hurting.

"I'm sorry Casey. I know I hurt you. I know…I can't ever make up for that, but I want…I want to spend the rest of my life trying." Olivia was crying now. "Please Casey…Please let me have the chance. Don't let my stupidity ruin something special."

Casey was speechless. She had wanted to hear those words of regret and apology weeks ago. She had dreamt about it. But she had given up any hope that she would. And now they were being spoken and she wanted to believe Olivia, but she knew it was risky and she wasn't sure she was ready to expose herself again.

Josh walked in briskly and gave the two women a smile before picking up Olivia's chart.

"Okay, the nurse will be in here shortly to discharge you." He looked up and saw two tear stained women with blood shot eyes not looking at each other.

"Everything okay?" he asked tentatively.

"Yeah," said Casey not knowing what else to say.

He hesitated wondering if he should say or do anything. Something was obviously happening here, but Casey had said it was alright, so he wouldn't pry. He secretly hoped they were on their way to finding each other again.

"Olivia, you'll need to come back in a few days to remove the stitches, but other than that you're free to go once the nurse completes the paperwork. If you feel any dizziness or nausea, blurry vision, anything out of the ordinary, give me a call. Casey, make sure you wake her every 3 hours."

The charge nurse walked in and he said his goodbyes, looking apprehensively at Casey.

* * *

_**Late Friday Night - Olivia's Apartment**_

"I guess we never really talked about Alex."

Casey's eyes went wide. That was a surprise way to start a discussion about them. She was sitting on her hands in the big bulky chair in Olivia's living room, noting how uncomfortable she felt in it. Alex had been here. Casey didn't think she would ever feel comfortable here again and she began an internal debate about where this was all going with Olivia and whether it was really a good idea to even be thinking about letting Olivia back into her life.

Olivia was finding it hard to read Casey, something she had never had a problem with before. Even when they had first met and Olivia thought she had no interest in deciphering Casey's emotional state, she had found it easy to do. It had become automatic for her to gauge Casey's state of mind while working on cases together, especially the tough ones. But today, in addition to the difficulties she was having just looking Casey in the eye, seeing the hurt that she had put there, she was finding it hard to get a handle on her.

"Yeah, I guess we never did," said Casey. She was looking down as she acknowledged the truth in Olivia's statement. "To be fair, I was as much a part of why we didn't talk about Alex as you were."

Olivia was starting to think that Casey had the right idea. Sitting on her hands might help suppress this constant urge she had to touch Casey. She was pretty sure that would not be welcome right now, so she interlaced her fingers together, leaning forward, arms resting on her knees. "No Casey, I should have talked about Alex with you. That wasn't your fault. None of this is your fault. It's mine."

"You're wrong," said Casey. "Yes, you left me," she continued with a small painful chuckle, "for her" she finished. "But you can't claim all the responsibility. I didn't want to talk about Alex. It's clear we should have. I'm not sure what, if anything would have changed about what happened, but for what it's worth, I think I made a mistake in not asking you about her." She paused.

Olivia sensed that Casey needed to say this and while she was almost bursting to interrupt, to argue with Casey, to prove her wrong, she held back. She would let Casey finish because she simply could not afford any more mistakes.

"I didn't want to know about the woman that came before me. I knew there had been something between you two. I knew she was important to you. I saw how devastated you were when she came back and left again. In fact that was one of the reasons I tried to distance myself from you." She looked directly at Olivia. "I didn't think you were over her. See, I already knew how dangerous you were. I knew even then that I could easily fall in love with you and we had barely started being friends at that point. There is really no point in falling for someone who is in love with someone else."

She paused reliving for a moment those painful months following Alex's return and disappearance, when she saw how close Olivia had come to being broken. If she had any doubts about the connection between the two women, they had been scattered to the wind the moment Alex walked into her office.

She had been there to see Olivia turn around; hear Olivia whisper, "Alex." Little did she know that in slightly over a year, she would hear Olivia whisper that name again in just that tone and find herself in just the position she vowed she would never be in. Casey returned to the present.

"But I couldn't keep it up forever. I couldn't keep my distance from you. I guess I could have left the job, but by then I really wanted it, just like Branch predicted." She wiped away the stray tear that had streaked down her face.

"You and I grew closer, but there was always this persistent little voice in my head that kept telling me to stop."

"Stop what?" asked Olivia intrigued.

"Stop everything. The friendship we were slowly building, my feelings, my fantasies. Part of me wanted to stop. I knew that I could lose my heart to you and I was afraid that I would and in the end you wouldn't want it, because you were in love with someone else. But one thing I could always do is rationalize. I convinced myself that you were simply not interested in me and never would be, so what harm could come of being friends with you? The only real way I could get hurt is if you wanted to play games with me and I thought I knew you well enough to know that wasn't the case."

_Thought? That was past tense_, Olivia thought, knowing that this conversation would either save or break her.

"So we became friends." Casey looked down again, trying to regain her composure. "And I stopped fearing you. I stopped thinking about how my heart would break if I fell in love with you, because I convinced myself that it was impossible for me to get hurt. It was all one-sided, you see. It was all me and I could control me. I let myself enjoy your company without the fear and found myself falling even faster. But it was okay because it was my problem, not yours and I could handle it. And then you showed up at my apartment and asked me out to dinner."

Olivia's head was down, silent tears falling on the wooden floor.

"But that was okay too, because friends do that. And then it became a regular thing, but friends do that too. When I started looking forward to Friday nights and then Wednesday lunches, I knew I was in trouble."

Olivia wiped her eyes hurriedly as Casey continued.

"When I was with you I couldn't think about anything but you, but when you went home, when you weren't with me, I thought about other things like Alex. How did you feel about her? Did you do this with her? What if she came back? That…was the question that stuck out and kept coming back. What if Alex walked back into your life?"

She chuckled to herself mockingly thinking about how stupid she had been.

"I knew the answer to that. You would go to her. Despite what we were developing, despite how quickly I was falling, despite me, you would go to her. I had to question my sanity after a while, the craziness of what I was doing was so clear to me and yet, when you walked into a room, all those thoughts, all of my doubts just disappeared. You were like some sort of magic potion that caused the doubts to vanish, as if they had never been.

"It was easy to be with you. You made me feel good. You made me feel alive and confident and strong. I still had doubts, but it felt too good to be with you and the more time we spent together the less time I had to think about that question.

"One day, I just told myself that if she hadn't come back by now, she wouldn't. It was liberating and I prayed that I was right. I never asked you about Alex because I really didn't want to know. I probably should have. Maybe if I had, I wouldn't have gotten so far gone on you that I couldn't pull back." She gave Olivia a weak smile.

"Do you want to know about me and Alex?" Olivia's head was still down. This was the single most important conversation she would ever have and she felt so ill-prepared.

"I don't know."

"I think I need you to know."

Casey sat back in the chair, wanting to relax a little. _Did she need to know?_ _Olivia heard her out, so she may as well reciprocate._ Having made a decision, she thought she would most likely regret, Casey leaned forward again. She was tense and her body was beginning to ache. She was still uncomfortable in the chair. _Ache inside, ache outside, what's the difference?_

"Okay," she said placing her head in her hands as she leaned forward, trying desperately to prepare herself for the pain. She heard Olivia's strangled sob and looked up. Olivia was now leaning back on the sofa, eyes closed, tears streaming down her face.

"Are you sure you need me to know?" asked Casey.

"Yes," Olivia managed to whisper. She wiped her eyes angrily. Abruptly she rose from the couch, walking past Casey and toward her bedroom. Casey sat stunned, unsure of what she was supposed to do. She didn't think she could follow Olivia into that room, but she didn't have to. Olivia came out a few seconds later carrying a box of Kleenex. She set it on the coffee table.

"I just…" she started, resuming her position on the couch. "I just hate hurting you."

"Then don't," shot back Casey. She started to get up and saw Olivia straighten up and bounce off the couch. They stood face to face.

"I don't feel like…:" Casey stopped. Looking into Olivia's swollen red eyes, traces of tears streaked on her lovely face, she knew she had to listen. Whatever else happened, whether they moved on from here or not, she needed to hear what Olivia had to say. Slowly she sat back down.

"Okay," she said. "I'll listen." Olivia lowered herself back onto the couch, leaning forward this time.

"But I need you to understand that this might not end the way you want it to Olivia. I can't…" she glanced up watery brown eyes meeting her gaze before she looked down again and continued: "I can't guarantee that I'll still want to stay after you finish." The impact of her words was immediate, a muffled sob could be heard coming from Olivia, but Casey did not look up.

After a moment's silence, she heard Olivia's raw voice begin.

"I loved Alex. I don't know how, or why or even when it happened. It just did. We worked together every day. We became friends. We shared things. But I never told her how I felt. I had my reasons but whatever the reasons, I never told her and I had no idea how she felt about me. I knew she cared, but beyond that and the friendship we shared, I had no idea if she felt the same. And then Velez came into our world and picked it apart. Alex disappeared. I missed her. That was one of the few times that I started to really hate my job, hate life in general. I went through the motions, kept coming to work, but I was aware of very little. I was angry at you for replacing her, but mostly I was angry at myself for not saying anything, for letting life pass me by. I became convinced that I had just blown my one chance at a little bit of happiness and I hated myself. I beat myself up over not being able to protect her and for not having the guts to say something to her. And then you came into my life and I had something else to beat myself up over: my utter and total inability to be nice to you because you weren't Alex. I knew that was wrong."

She leaned back on the couch, unsurprised by the fact that she was finding everything in her apartment uncomfortable including the fucking couch. She continued.

"But to my surprise it became a little easier every day. Elliot helped. He knew how I felt about her, so occasionally we'd talk. We wondered where she was, what she was doing, if she thought about us. And then she came back. That whole period was kind of confusing to me. I was so hopeful, but…" She leaned forward again becoming really annoyed with the couch.

"There were disappointments too. Alex told me she was seeing some guy at the insurance company where she worked. I didn't know what to do with that," she frowned.

"I didn't know what to feel. I mean, I felt happy that she was back, but I wasn't sure what it meant. I felt like I should be doing something, but I didn't know what, so I just worked at trying to keep her safe. If you won that trial, I thought she could come back and everything would be the way it was. Except that I would do things right this time. I thought she would want that. But then she disappeared again. She didn't say goodbye that time."

Casey sat listening. She tried to lean back once more and found it bearable. She thought it would hurt to listen to Olivia talk about Alex, but it had not so far. The story made sense in a really strange way. Olivia continued:

"Elliot told me to let it go. That she was dead. It took me awhile, but I came around, I guess, to his way of thinking. She was dead – at least to me. Once I let go of that, I found that I enjoyed my job again, helping and protecting people, giving them justice. In fact, it really helped to focus on others, the victims, and forget about myself, so I did. I convinced myself that I would never know love. When you think that way, you don't expect to fall so hopelessly in love that you forget all the pain you have ever experienced." She was smiling now.

"But that happened, almost without me realizing it until it was too late to try and fight it. You didn't scare me Casey because I didn't think that I would fall in love with you. I didn't think I would fall in love with anybody. I just let myself enjoy you and it was wonderful. You made me feel so different than what I was used to feeling. I felt good with you. I had never felt that before, this feeling of just…plain…good. I don't know how else to explain it." She shook her head.

"I was engrossed by it. I didn't understand it, but I got a taste of it and I just couldn't stop wanting it. That's why I kept showing up at your place on Friday nights and inventing excuses to see you. I would spend time with you and try to take in all this goodness I felt with you and hold onto to it. But…I could never recreate it when I was alone. The closest I came was when I thought about you. So I thought about you a lot. It made me happy. You were like a drug I couldn't get enough of. I didn't figure myself out until the night I kissed you goodnight."

"On the cheek," said Casey surprised that she had spoken out loud.

Olivia looked at her. "Yes, on the cheek." She smiled. "That was not where I wanted to kiss you by the way."

"Me neither," answered Casey.

"Good to know," said Olivia clearing her throat before continuing. "That was such a crazy time. I usually put things in boxes. I knew I was attracted to you from that first day I met you, but I separated that from my feelings for you. At the time those feelings were all tangled up in my anger over losing Alex. So after we started spending all this time together, I wasn't surprised that those feelings of attraction came out in full force. But I still thought that love wasn't for me, so I let them have free rein, never once connecting them to all of these other things I was starting to feel for you. They were kind of still separate for me."

"Until that night?" Casey asked, intrigued. They had never really talked about this, always just taking cautious baby steps in their relationship, but never examining how they had arrived at the next stage, content to enjoy the arrival itself.

"Yes, until that night. Because I knew without a shadow of a doubt that night, that all this good feeling that I associated with you would be increased to the nth degree if I kissed you like I wanted to. After that night, there was no ignoring the connection. That was hard."

"Why?"

Olivia laughed lightly. "Because after that realization all I could think about was kissing you and how wonderful you made me feel and how I wanted to always feel that and how I had never, ever felt it. And..." she chuckled. "For the first time I started to understand a little bit why people do irrational things when they're in love. Because a few days later, I found myself going to watch you practice softball and if Cragen hadn't called with an assignment, I would not have had a good excuse to be there, except that I needed to see you again more than anything. That was irrational and I'm not usually an irrational person."

She inhaled and looked around the dark room, afraid to look at Casey. She had done it. She had just laid out her heart, leaving it open, exposed and vulnerable.

Casey's heart was thumping wildly. _God, was there a chance for them?_

"You made me want things I never knew I wanted," said Olivia.

"Like what?"

"A life"

Olivia's answer came instinctually, without thought. It was automatic. "I don't think I was really living before I met you. I was existing. I was surviving, but I wasn't living. For the first time in my life I wanted to feel good things, because I liked feeling good! When I was with you, I didn't think about how much I didn't deserve this good feeling. You…just…make it so….easy to want to feel this good without all the fucking baggage I've been carrying around. I've always felt like I should pay for everything I put my mother through, for the evil of my father, but somehow you made me not want to feel like that. I…I'm not explaining this very well." She ran her hands through her hair, refusing to meet Casey's eyes.

"I'd say you're doing fine, detective," said Casey softly.

Olivia's head shot up. "You haven't called me that since…Alex came back."

"What, detective? I haven't?" Casey looked confused.

"No. It was always Detective Benson." She was smiling. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," Casey responded recognizing Olivia's relief at the small sign of normalcy that had returned to their interactions.

Casey couldn't help the question she posed next.

"Why, Olivia? Why did you…?" She was unable to finish.

"Because I'm an idiot!" Olivia said as she stood up and started pacing; walking from the window to the couch and back again. Finally she sat down.

"When Alex came back it was like a miracle…like a raised from the dead miracle. And this time, there didn't seem to be any confusion on her part, no guy she was seeing. It was clear that she wanted me. At first I didn't really know what to do with that. The only sure emotion I could recognize was relief, but I was confused by the rest of it, so I concentrated on the relief and…and I…mistook it for something else. I didn't want to hurt you, but you seemed so ready to just…go….relinquish your claim. I didn't know what to do. In one room was Alex, the person who I had loved from afar, who had occupied so many of my nightly thoughts and dreams before I met you. In the other was you, holding an overnight bag and telling me you shouldn't be here and I took the easy way out. I was paralyzed. I knew you deserved some kind of answer from me about where you stood, but I didn't even know where I stood, so I let you go."

Olivia covered her face with her hand. "Afterward I told myself that I let you go because I didn't think you deserved my uncertainty. I was such a coward." She paused trying to organize the jumble of thoughts in her head.

"Once the initial relief faded, all I felt was more confusion, but everyone was happy that she came back - a hero's welcome. I found it easier to join in everyone's happiness, then to think about you and having to make a choice because Alex had made it clear that she came back for me and that was a very powerful aphrodisiac. It was like one of my fantasies from the time we worked together coming true. I was back there again in a weird way re-living it, the way I imagined it should have gone. You made it easy. You didn't even make me break-up with you. You just gave me my key, asked for yours and told me to be gone by the time you came back."

"I'm sorry I didn't fight for you," said Casey realizing that they had both made mistakes in this. "I guess I acted the way I did because I always imagined it would end that way; that Alex would come back, and I would be out of the picture. When it happened, it hurt like hell. I knew it would and I guess I just played my part. I told Jordan that I didn't like coming in second. I guess I felt hurt by that, so I told myself that I wouldn't fight for someone who only thought of me as the consolation prize."

"I never thought that." Olivia got up and walked towards the windows. "I was just so fucking busy trying to deal with my past, that I lost sight of what was right in front of me." She turned around and made her way to the couch again. "I want to tell you some things about my time with Alex, but if this is getting to be too much, just let me know."

Casey was touched by Olivia's concern.

"I'm fine," she said sitting up as she had grown uncomfortable in the chair again. Olivia gave her a pained smiled and almost…almost reached for her. Casey saw it. She saw Olivia's hand start to make its way tentatively to hers and then turn back slowly. She wanted to reciprocate, but it was too soon. Olivia walked back to the window and continued.

"I wasn't myself during that time, but I can't blame that on Alex. I was kind of empty inside. The only emotion I was capable of feeling was relief that Alex was back, but beyond that there was nothing. Alex asked me if she could stay and I said yes, but I didn't really feel anything. She told me that our relationship had to remain secret and I felt nothing. I told her okay. She told me she had to date guys to avoid any uncomfortable questions and I felt nothing. I didn't allow myself to think or feel anything. Then you showed up at O'Malley's and I saw you dancing with some guy. His hands were all over you and the way you two were moving, the familiarity of it, drove me absolutely insane."

"Josh?"

"Yeah, I went from feeling nothing to feeling this insane irrational jealousy. And then I felt angry. I argued with Elliot a lot. He finally just asked me why I was putting myself and you through this when it was so painfully obvious I was still in love with you. But I just got more and more irrational. I checked to see if Josh had a record, pulled his credit report, got a hold of his school transcript. I even saw him at the hospital and drilled him. I wanted to shoot him," she said smiling into the window. She walked back to the couch and sat again.

"I realized then what a monumental mistake I had made in hurting the one true thing in my life…you. It's over between me and Alex. I told her last night. I loved Alex once. After she disappeared into Witness Protection, I thought that given the chance we could have really had something. I know now that that was a fantasy. We're not meant to be together. Maybe, if I hadn't met you, I would have been content with what we could have had, but not now."

"How did that go? Last night I mean?"

"What?"

Casey frowned. She didn't want to seem callous or cold, but hearing Olivia talk about her relationship with Alex had helped. She needed to hear about its demise before she could determine if she could get past the insecurity she had always felt when it came to Alex: that Alex was better than she was, smarter, more beautiful, and had more of a claim on Olivia's heart. She knew the minute she agreed to come here that she was considering Olivia's offer. What she didn't know was if there was anything Olivia could say or do to convince her that it was over with Alex. She didn't know why that was important to her, but it was.

"What did you say to her?"

Olivia looked around trying to decide how to proceed.

"I just told her it wasn't working out. She asked me why. I told her because she wasn't you."

Casey couldn't help the smile that came to her face as she thought of the irony of that response. After all, she had spent a good part of her first year at SVU getting over not being Alex.

It was a good talk and Casey felt better afterwards. She managed to get Olivia to sleep by telling her that she needed time to think and consider everything they had said to each other. She didn't sleep much that night. She made sure to wake Olivia regularly throughout the night, but Olivia's couch was as uncomfortable as the big bulky chair had been and too many thoughts were percolating in her head. Slowly she came to the realization that she would give them a second chance. It would be hard, but she didn't feel like she could do anything else. Olivia had always been her main weakness. Things would be different this time. They could not pick up where they had left off. There had been too much hurt for that. If they were going to try and reestablish a relationship, they would need to start at the beginning. Most importantly, Casey thought, she would need to be absolutely sure of Olivia before she opened her heart again.

She looked at the clock and thought she should look in on Olivia one last time. Olivia had been tossing and turning all night and had managed to kick the covers completely off the bed. Casey bent down to pick them up off the floor and covered her.

"Casey"

"I'm here. Do you need anything?" Casey whispered.

But there was no response. Olivia was still asleep. Casey couldn't help the smile that came to her face. Feeling like she did not have the energy to do anything else, she lifted the covers and lay down next to Olivia, one hand placed protectively on Olivia's back. She lay there thinking about how much she had lost in the last month and where she was now. She smiled again beginning to feel the stirrings of hope that maybe, perhaps, her and Liv would get through this. With those thoughts twirling in her head, she fell into a soundless sleep.


	18. Chapter 18

**An Honest Choice**

Title: An Honest Choice  
Author: Rosie Cruz  
Pairing: Casey/Olivia  
Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction. The characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. I just like to play with them. The story however is purely a creation of my imagination.

2007 © ROBC. The characters of Olivia Benson, Casey Novak, Elliot Stabler, John Munch, Fin, Cragen and Kathy Stabler belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. The story however is mine. All rights reserved. Copies of this may be printed for personal use only. No part of this story may be reproduced or reused for any other purpose without prior written permission.

Author's Note: Just one more cheesy chapter left, but it might take a few days to post as I will be unplugged from the internet for a few days. Thanks for reviewing. It is much appreciated.

**Chapter 18**

**_Two months later_**

Casey was nervous. She was back in the place, she swore, absolutely swore she would never let herself be in again, madly in love with a person who perhaps did not love her in the same way. _Life was so unpredictable_, she thought as she steered sharply to the left to avoid a suddenly opening car door.

_Stupid cars_, she thought as she rolled to a stop at the light. Normally those things didn't really bother her. She was used to them as a regular cyclist on New York's city streets. She almost always found her rhythm as she rode home and just incorporated the irritating pedestrians and lunatics in cars into her ride. A bike ride home usually relaxed her, although most people thought she was taking her life into her hands the moment she started pedaling. But tonight she was distracted and not concentrating and open car doors just pissed her off. She was almost home now and tried to put all thoughts of last night on some shelf somewhere where she could take them down and examine them at her leisure. It was not to be.

She had been taking things slow with Olivia. Casey's decision to let Olivia back into her life had been made hesitantly and with a lot of reservations. She told Olivia from the onset that she didn't know if reconciliation would ultimately work, that they had to take things slow. But as was often the case with her, she was never in as much control of situations as she thought she should be and she was starting to freak out about the situation with Olivia. Things had been going well, too well. She was starting to lose herself in Olivia again.

Olivia had taken Casey's declaration that they would have to rebuild their relationship from scratch to heart. As a result, Casey found herself on the receiving end of flowers, bottles of wine, and small gifts every time they went out.

The best surprise was the discovery that Olivia had developed a taste for the coffee served at Casey's favorite morning coffee shop. She had found her there the morning Olivia returned to work after the head injury. Olivia offered to pay for their cups and they made the short walk to work together. She was surprised and delighted to find Olivia there most mornings now, just waiting for her. Sometimes they would walk directly to work, other times they would sit and enjoy their cups of coffee together before the walk. It was nice.

She was also experiencing a new set of firsts with Olivia. They had been awkward and hesitant with each other initially, finding it difficult to discover the easy comfort they had been accustomed to, but before Casey knew it, she was looking forward to their time together and didn't worry so much. She no longer hesitated to sit next to Olivia during their Friday night bar bashes and she was disappointed if Olivia couldn't make their morning coffee dates. During one especially raucous Friday night where they had been close to tears with laughter at Fin and Munch's antics, she found herself missing the physical connection with Olivia. Olivia had been careful, treating her like a fragile, precious crystal. She had not initiated any physical touches. She wanted to, Casey knew. Casey could see it clearly in her eyes, but Olivia held back waiting for some sign from Casey that her touch was welcome and that night it was very welcome.

Not able to contain herself, she reached for Olivia's arm as Munch and Fin debated the merits of Munch's newest theory about women. Olivia's arm was warm and soft and the simple touch set off memories for Casey that made her heart race and leap almost out of control. She stroked it lightly, her eyes focused on her companions at the table, but her mind nowhere near there. Suddenly the arm under her hand began shaking and she turned to look at Olivia.

Olivia's gaze was focused on the dart board behind Munch's head. Her eyes were glistening with unshed tears. She felt Casey's gaze on her and turned slowly simultaneously turning her arm to take Casey's hand fully in hers before squeezing it tightly. She smiled and finally let out a breath.

"Thank you," she said in a whisper.

Later as they walked back to the station to pick up Olivia's car, it seemed the most natural thing for Casey to thread her arm through Olivia's and so she had.

Their first kiss had followed shortly after, a natural extension of their growing closeness. The only thing strange about it was that it had happened at the station of all places. Casey had come searching for the detective who was working late at her desk. Head bent, she was looking at various pieces of paper strewn across her desk. Her brow was furrowed. A notebook lay open in the middle of the mess. She was tapping the pencil in her hand impatiently looking as if she was waiting for something to emerge from the paper.

"Hey," said Casey as she walked slowly towards Olivia.

In the past, there would have been a kiss waiting for her at end of her trek. _There could be again, _her mind piped up. _Yes, there could be._

Heart beating wildly, but determined, Casey continued her slow pace. She watched in slow motion as Olivia lifted her head and smiled that wonderfully radiant smile she absolutely loved. Olivia was watching her get closer, and did not bother to mask her appreciation of the long, sexy body walking towards her. Her eyes were hopeful.

Determination growing with every step, Casey's eyes became more focused on Olivia's beautiful face, then her lips. When she finally reached her destination, Olivia stood up and now there was no hesitation and their lips met in a slow, very sweet kiss. The kiss was over too quickly for Olivia, so she went in for another, gently brushing her lips with Casey's, pausing for only a nanosecond before doing it again with a little more force. Casey responded by increasing the pressure and suddenly Olivia felt arms on her shoulder encircling her head, gently bringing their bodies into greater contact. They stopped to breath and just stood there smiling.

From there they quickly progressed to longer, sweeter, and much wetter kisses that hinted at a fiery passion just boiling underneath. And that was the problem.

Olivia had very badly wanted to spend the night last night and Casey had been on the verge of saying yes to that, longing for the intimate closeness that had been a part of her daily existence a few short months ago – before Alex. She barely managed the one syllable "No" that came out sounding raw and choked. She couldn't look at Olivia as she said it, knowing she would see pain subtly hidden behind a mask of resigned understanding.

Olivia had of course made it better, made it seem okay that Casey was putting up a barrier between them. Casey was struggling with that final step. Exposing oneself physically to someone was the ultimate act of faith and Casey just wasn't ready to be that vulnerable yet. So she continued telling Olivia that they had to take things slow, that she needed a lot of time to adjust to everything, but they both knew that it was about trust. Casey just hadn't been able to trust that Olivia would not hurt her again.

But after two months of taking things slow her inability to open herself up to Olivia started to panic her. She knew it was affecting Olivia too, because if Casey couldn't get through this, then there was no future for them.

Her apartment in sight she slowed down and tried to shut down her brain enough to take her bike upstairs. Struggling with her bike, the thoughts kept swirling in her head making all the simple tasks she had done a hundred times that much harder. She blew out an exasperated breath as she entered the elevator, thoughts of last night flooding her senses so that she was transported back in time.

Olivia, of course, tried to hide the hurt. She smiled, picked up her jacket, made a joke about having to try and kissed Casey good night, lingering for just a moment before walking toward the door. The ding of the elevator startled Casey out of her trance and she wheeled her bike to her apartment, concentrating on the door, the keys in the lock, the hooks on the ceiling, and then with one final heave her bike was safely tucked away. She turned and made sure the door was locked before heading for the shower.

The heavy thoughts could not be washed away and she found herself trying to work through her feelings as she toweled her hair. Examining her feelings was something she had resisted doing, thinking that clarity and comfort would just come when the time was right. But that had not happened. Obviously they could not go on as they had been with Casey putting up eemotional and physical barriers.

It wasn't fair to Olivia and it was incredibly exhausting for her to keep those barriers up. She went into the bedroom wanting the comfort of sweats. Her search for sweat pants was successful, but she came up empty when it came to the elusive comfortable t-shirt. _This should be impossible for someone with as many workout clothes as you own Casey_, she chided herself. But sure enough all comfy t-shirt type clothes were in the laundry. _I could steal one of Liv's NYPD shirts_, she thought before the rational part of her brain reminded her that Liv no longer had clothes here. She stopped searching momentarily and looked around her bedroom but it looked bleak and empty.

_Geez, when did this room get so depressing?_

Determined to find something comfortable, she continued the search in her closet, where she did in fact come up with an old NYPD shirt hidden in the back amongst a pile of clothes that looked like they might have been headed for the rag pile at some point. _Beggars can't be choosers_, she thought as she slipped the shirt over her head.

Deciding to forego the blow dryer, she headed for the couch. She wasn't hungry as Olivia had dropped off Chinese food earlier hoping for an early dinner with Casey in her office. They had been interrupted when Olivia received a call. Suddenly Casey remembered that she had promised to save some food for Olivia and she hurriedly looked in her bag, hoping the boxes had survived the ride. They were a little banged up but nothing had spilled which put a smile on her face. She put the food in the fridge and then went in search of her phone. She stared at the phone in her hand debating with herself about her next move. She knew she should talk to someone. It had always been the best way for her to see things more clearly. She drove her assistants and 2nd chairs nuts with this, often talking though a whole case with them out loud before deciding how she wanted to tackle it.

She had resisted talking about this, even with Kate and Jordan who had seen her at her worst. With a final sigh she decided that she had to do something and talking was at least something. She dialed as she walked to the couch, settling herself comfortably on it.

* * *

Jordan was walking. She had been walking for 20 minutes now and had at least another 10 minute walk before she reached Kate's. _Well at least it's not cold. _She paused. _Or hot,_ she thought drive from her downtown office to what was now her new residence should have only taken ten minutes, but with traffic in San Francisco, she was better off walking. Kate had suggested she walk after being victim to the aftermath of one too many road rage episodes from Kate. She had to admit, it was a lot more relaxing. And healthy, Kate would say. The buzzing of her cell phone felt ticklish and she suppressed a giggle as she reached into her pants to extract the phone. She recognized the number immediately and smiled as she flipped the phone open.

"Hey dudette, how goes it?"

"Hey"

After a long pause, Jordan picked up the thread of conversation again.

"Everything okay?" she said concerned at the silence. A muffled sob sent her into overdrive.

_Shit_, she thought. _Not again. What the hell did Olivia do this time?_ Although Jordan was happy that Olivia and Casey were trying to work things out, she still felt some lingering resentment toward Olivia over the whole Alex thing. She wished she was home already and not ten minutes away.

"Casey, honey, tell me what's wrong." She kept walking for lack of a better option. The outright sobbing had subsided, but it had been replaced by an eerie silence.

"You know I hate it when you go quiet, please talk to me Casey."

"I'm sorry."

Jordan relaxed somewhat.

"Don't be sorry, just tell me what's going on? Did something happen?" she said praying Olivia hadn't done anything idiotic.

"No, nothing happened, nothing specific anyway. I just need to talk, I think."

"Okay, what do you need to talk about?"

By the time she reached home, Casey was on her second crying jag and Jordan was exhausted. She headed straight for the backyard and settled down on one of the patio chairs. This really wasn't her thing. Kate was supposed to be the sensitive one, but Kate wouldn't be home for another two hours.

"Casey, listen honey. You can't punish Olivia forever and you can't continue to punish yourself either." Casey must have been exhausted, because she just sighed into the phone. Jordan continued.

"You either want to be with her or you don't Case. I know it sucks and I understand not wanting to expose yourself again, but it really isn't going to work if you hold back." She paused not really wanting to have this conversation, but knowing that Casey needed to hear this.

"Casey, you have to open your heart again if you want things to work with Olivia. And you have to do it knowing there are no guarantees that she won't stomp on it again."

"I'm not sure I could survive that."

"Then you need to let her go Case. If you're not willing to let her back in, the both of you need to move on."

She thought she could hear a muted whimper from Casey. She continued, "But Casey…for what it's worth…" she closed her eyes, "I think she loves you, very much. And as much as I hate that she hurt you, in the end she did choose you. She chose you, knowing you might not take her back. Christ, do you know how amazing it is that you got through this at all? Most people would not have made it to the other side as friends, let alone try to become lovers again. Take the chance Casey."

"Thanks Jordan."

"What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to wash my face and then I'm going to sleep. I can't really make any decisions now, but you've given me a lot to think about. Thanks for listening. I'm still scared, but you're right, we can't go on like this. Olivia's content to let me set the pace, but I think I've had a foot on the brake. I just…I just don't want to get hurt. I can't go through that again." She let out an exasperated breath, but Jordan thought she sounded a little better.

"Whatever you decide, we'll be here for you Casey."

"Thanks Jordan. You're a great friend, you and Kate. I'll talk to you soon."

Casey hung up the phone. She felt better and that surprised her. She felt better despite Jordan's blunt advice that she shit or get off the pot. She wondered briefly if Olivia would make it to her place at all tonight. She had promised Casey to stop by and finish the rest of the Chinese food if it wasn't too late, _if it wasn't too late._ That was really the question, wasn't it?_ Was it too late for them?_

She rubbed her face with her hands, hoping to rub her mind blank as well. She knew it wouldn't work. It never worked when it came to Olivia. She spared a glance at the clock. She had spent almost an hour on the phone with Jordan. In a few more hours it would officially be too late for Olivia to come over.

It didn't used to be this difficult and for a brief moment memories of countless other nights played in fast forward in her head. On those nights, she had not had to wonder if Olivia would be coming over. It had been understood that no matter what time she got done, she would come over, even if it was just to crawl into bed next to Casey for a few hours. Now everything was much more complicated. There were no overnights and so if it got too late, Olivia would not be coming over.

And even though Casey knew that she had the power to change that, it still made her feel sad that things weren't different between them. She lay down on the couch and tried to sort it all out. She closed her eyes and decided to give her mind free reign to just think about what she was feeling, about her rationalizations and whether they were really rational, about her fears, about how much she still hurt.

She felt tears like a sting in her eyes as a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions rushed in all at once. Things she had been keeping at bay, or locked away in different places out of fear came out in an almost overwhelming wave. She draped one long arm over her eyes and placed a hand to her heart as if she could shield herself from some of the torment. She worked to regulate her breathing and sort things out.

She loved Olivia, of that she was certain. None of this would matter if she didn't. She loved Olivia with a passion and intensity that she had never felt for anyone else in her young life. If she believed in silly things like soul mates, she knew Olivia would be hers. But she didn't. She didn't believe that there were two people destined to be together, that could be everything to each other and whose love was so great that nothing could tear it asunder.

She didn't doubt that one could feel that kind of love, but the reality was that there were no guarantees in life. And hence no guarantees that a love like that would be returned in kind. There was no guarantee that the person you were destined to love, was destined to love you in the same way. And that she decided was at the core of her problems. She loved Olivia in that way, but she was unsure if Olivia would ever love her in the same way.

_Fuck!_ She cursed herself knowing that this was not a revelation. She had known this all along. Hadn't she told Jordan this same thing a few months ago? That she knew that Alex was that person for Olivia and that it had only been after convincing herself that Alex was dead that had she had given her feelings for Olivia full reign? And then her worst nightmare had come true. Alex had returned and Olivia as if fulfilling some role had indeed left her for Alex. She paused. Actually Olivia had not technically left her. Casey, not wanting to give Olivia the chance, had done the leaving. Still, Olivia had not fought for her.

Casey could not have foreseen that things would not work out between Olivia and Alex and that Olivia would return to her begging for forgiveness and anything else Casey was willing to give. And so she was stuck not knowing what she was supposed to do now. Could she be sure of Olivia who had been nothing if not patient and understanding in the last two months? Olivia had not pushed Casey to move the relationship forward even though her eyes gave away a longing for just that.

Could she accept Olivia's explanation that she had to try with Alex because she couldn't not try; that it was the final and necessary chapter to the whole Alex saga and that it would have damaged her relationship with Casey had there been even a hint of regret from Olivia? Casey wasn't sure she wanted to accept that explanation. She believed Olivia when she told her that she never meant for Casey to get hurt and that she would take away the hurt if she could. She even believed that Olivia loved her. What she was struggling with was believing that Olivia loved her like she loved Olivia.

Kate's brother would tell her that she did. She remembered one lunch conversation with him shortly after Olivia had been rushed to the Emergency Room as a result of the blow to the head.

"Of course she loves you. She left the woman she thought of as the love of her life for you. You don't do that lightly, Casey. It means something has changed fundamentally for her where you're concerned. Don't you see that?"

"I'm not sure," she had said pensively. It had become her favorite expression back then, which she thought suited her as she really hadn't been sure of anything.

"Hey, I'm sorry. I can only imagine what you went through when Alex came back and I actually witnessed some of the fallout from that. Whatever you decide Casey, just make sure it's the decision that feels right in here," he said pointing at her heart. "Olivia knows that it was possible that you wouldn't take her back. When she and I talked, she seemed pretty sure of what she wanted, but she also knew that it wasn't just up to her. She took the chance anyway and that's pretty big."

Casey came back to the present reluctantly, but something about that remembered conversation lingered. _Josh and Liv had talked? When? _As far as she knew, they had never really been friends. In fact, it had come as a surprise to her when Josh had told her that he wanted them to get back together. He had disliked Olivia before he even met her, knowing only that she had hurt his sister's friend. _What changed?_ She hadn't even registered the comment before, too immersed in her insecurities and confusion over Olivia.

She reached for the phone lying on the coffee table. She needed to know more about this conversation. She dialed rapidly surprised that she even remembered the number. They had not spent a lot of time together since his fiancé had arrived in the city. Between crazy doctor hours and his fiancé she understood why he had not been around much. She understood, but it saddened her a little. He had been a good friend when she had desperately needed someone who was on her side. He answered in one ring sounding out of breath.

"Hel…hello?" he said.

"Josh its Case, how are you?"

"Hey Casey, I'm cool, just finished a run. Man I haven't heard from you in a while. What's up? How are you and Olivia doing?"

She paused trying to figure out how much she wanted to tell him. Deciding she needed to give if she wanted to receive, she told him the bare basics of where their relationship stood; how she was putting on the brakes and was struggling with the notion of moving forward. He listened patiently.

"I'm sorry Casey. Hang in there though. I believe in you guys."

"Thanks." A pause and then, "Josh, can you tell me about your conversation with Olivia?"

"What conversation?"

"Do you remember a couple of months ago when we had lunch and I was trying to figure out whether we could ever really get back together?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"You said she seemed sure of what she wanted when you talked to her. I um…when did you talk to her?"

"Aw Casey, I don't know if I remember," he said sounding exasperated.

"Please Josh. I'm trying to figure some things out and I just need to know."

"Okay, I'll try to remember."

"Thank you."

"Let's see…It happened when she came back to the hospital to get her stitches removed. I can't relate it word for word, but I'll give it a try. I don't remember why we started talking, but I know she seemed very sad. She told me that she had made a mistake and that it was a mistake she could never make up for or take back. She was beating herself – something about choosing the fantasy over the reality. You know when she broke it off with Alex, Alex offered to publicly come out?"

"No, she never said," Casey said surprised at this revelation.

"Yeah, apparently Alex pulled out all the stops. Come to think of it, that conversation with Olivia was kind of weird. She must have been feeling pretty chatty that day."

"Did Olivia not believe her?" Casey said.

"I don't think Olivia cared, at least that's how it seemed to me. She knew who she wanted at that point and it was you. She sounded really worried that she could lose you. She said she didn't deserve you and a bunch of other defeatist crap."

"What did you say?" Casey was calmer than she thought she should be.

"I said fuck that. If she knew what she wanted she had to go for it. She told me that Elliot said the same thing. It's amazing isn't it? Even after Alex gave her everything she thought she wanted, she knew it ultimately wasn't Alex she wanted. It was you."

Casey felt a tightness in her heart and her stomach seemed to drop to her toes.

"Thank you Josh," she said as she hung up not even waiting to hear his acknowledgement or goodbye.

_Could it be that simple?_ _Could she have been looking at this all wrong?_ She had been so busy trying to protect herself that she had not seen the proverbial forest for the trees. This whole time she had been focusing on Olivia's initial choice, but that choice had not in all truth been an honest one. In fact, Casey had helped her make that choice with the preemptive break-up. The choice had not been true, bogged as it was by Olivia's confusion. The thing with Alex must have seemed like a strong force to Olivia. Puppy love made superficially stronger by the fact that it had been unrequited and by a miraculous and metaphoric return from the dead.

When reality had reared its ugly head and the fog cleared, Olivia had made a real choice. Casey had been focusing on that initial choice, but if Josh and Jordan were right, it was the second choice that mattered, not the first; the choice Olivia had made free of guilt and confusion. She picked up the phone again and dialed another number, one she was not surprised she knew by heart.

* * *

Olivia's phone was ringing. She recognized the number in an instant. They were finishing up at the crime scene. Elliot was giving some last minute instructions to the forensics team as she flipped open her phone.

"Benson," she said out of habit. "Everything okay?" she continued already knowing who was on the other line.

"Hi Liv, everything's fine." There was a pause on the other end.

"Are you sure?" said Olivia into the phone already trying to figure out how to tell Elliot she had to leave if Casey needed her to.

"Yeah, I'm sure. I just wanted to…let you know that I brought the Chinese food home, so you should stop by when you get a chance."

Olivia was confused.

"Okay thanks, but if it gets too late, I don't really want to wake you and Elliot and I are just finishing up at the scene. We have to follow up on a couple of leads tonight before I head out and I'm not sure how long that will be."

"Whatever the time, just stop by." Casey was pacing now. This was harder than she thought it would be, but she was determined. "If it gets too late, you can just…um…spend the night." She waited, not really sure of what response she would get.

Olivia's heart made itself felt loud and clear. _Had she heard right?_ Who knew over the thump, thump, thump her heart was making.

"Really?" she asked not really wanting to ask at all; wanting to assume that it was true and that Casey was finally opening that door for her.

"Yes, really," said Casey.

Olivia closed her eyes trying to hold in the tears she knew were threatening to fall.

"God Casey," was all she could manage to say in response.

"So…does that mean you'll come," said Casey sounding a bit unsure.

"Yes! A thousand times, yes."

Olivia smiled into the phone. "I love you so much Casey." Her voice sounded rough to her own ears. She heard Casey's whispered "I love you too," before Elliot's booming voice called her name. "I'm sorry Casey, I gotta go, but I'll definitely be there tonight. Nothing short of the end of the world could stop me."

"Okay, bye."

It was the sweetest moment of her life and she was standing in the middle of a bloody crime scene. _Ah life's bitter ironies._ She started walking toward Elliot who was already waiting by the car. She unconsciously felt for the small package in her leather jacket. It had been there or somewhere close to her person for two months. She thought about its contents and the woman sitting in her apartment across town for which it was intended. _Definitely getting closer_, she thought, _definitely_.


	19. Chapter 19

**Title: An Honest Choice**  
Author: Rosie Cruz  
Pairing: Casey/Olivia  
Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction. The characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. I just like to play with them. The story however is purely a creation of my imagination.

2007 © ROBC. The characters of Olivia Benson, Casey Novak, Elliot Stabler, John Munch, Fin, Cragen and Kathy Stabler belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. The story however is mine. All rights reserved. Copies of this may be printed for personal use only. No part of this story may be reproduced or reused for any other purpose without prior written permission.

**Author's Note**: Last chapter of this little story. Sorry the last update took so long but I was moving and have only recently put my life back in order enough to post. This last part is a little too cheesy for my taste, but what the hell sometimes we need a little cheese. Thank you for the reviews and words of encouragement. Hope you all enjoyed the journey.

**Chapter 19**

Casey was the very definition of concentration. Sweat dripping down her neck, she slowed downed swerving to avoid a pedestrian. It was Friday. She had considered joining everyone at O'Malley's tonight, but opted for exercise instead, especially after Olivia informed her that she wouldn't be there. They had just wrapped up the serial rapist case and the gang had headed to O'Malley's as usual to wind down. Olivia however had left the station as soon as Casey delivered the news about the verdict. She had some things she needed to take care of, she told Casey, before kissing her on the cheek on the way out.

Casey was wondering about that. Olivia had been acting a little strange lately, almost nervous. She reminded Casey of the Olivia she had discovered in the first months of their romance, all nervousness and fidgeting shy smiles. It was such a different personality from the cop persona she usually cultivated. Casey had found it endearing then and absolutely adorable now. She wondered when Olivia would be home and began going through their dinner options in her head.

_Home?_

Picking up speed to make the next light she pondered that concept. They were not "officially" living together, but she knew they were doing it in practice. Olivia spent all her nights at Casey's unless she was working on a case. She had most of her clothes and other personal effects at Casey's too. Since the moment when she invited Olivia to spend the night, Olivia had not spent one night at her own apartment. Sometimes Casey thought she was being unfair to Olivia. She had not been able to feel comfortable at Olivia's place since Alex and didn't want to spend time there. And since she didn't they always ended up at Casey's place.

_Well there's nothing I can do about it except…ask her to move in?_

Suddenly she was smiling like an idiot. _Ask her to move in with me? Are we ready for that? Of course, we're practically doing it now!_

She was still smiling as she cruised through yet another green light. _I need a plan_, she thought as she maneuvered around a pot hole - _maybe a fancy dinner, champagne…yeah._ She would talk to Elliot tomorrow and get some ideas.

She turned the corner and made her way down the remaining four blocks of her ride to her apartment. She had stopped the bike at the curb and was gently nudging it onto the sidewalk when she felt a familiar presence at her side.

"Hey, need some help?"

She smiled, her whole face brightening, her stomach doing those back flips it always did whenever Olivia surprised her.

"Sure," she said as Olivia placed a warm hand on her waist and leaned in for a quick kiss.

Olivia grabbed Casey's bags letting the attorney deal with her bike.

"I thought you had something to do?" asked Casey as she waited for Olivia to unlock the front door to the building.

"I did. Finished early," Olivia responded, holding the door open for Casey and the bike.

They made their way upstairs, the routine so familiar, it was like a well-practiced dance number. Showered and changed into comfortable clothes, Casey walked out of the bedroom to find Olivia hovering in the living room.

"You okay, Liv?" she asked as she made her way to the kitchen to survey the fridge.

"Yeah, fine. No problems whatsoever," said Olivia as she followed Casey to the tiny kitchen.

Olivia leaned in the doorway watching Casey stare at the contents of the fridge.

"Why don't we have dinner out tonight? Maybe across the street?" asked Olivia hopefully.

"Okay," responded Casey as she closed the door to the mostly empty fridge. "Not much in there anyway." She leaned against the kitchen counter. "Do you think we'll ever be into cooking?" she asked playfully.

"No," said Olivia shaking her head and reaching for Casey as she had downstairs but with a more determined air. She brought their bodies close, pressing Casey tightly into her and bent her head. She stopped just short of Casey's lips.

"I love you," she said. "I'll never stop loving you. Do you know that?"

Casey swallowed hard.

"Yes," she said and closed the distance between them with a slow but powerful kiss that seemed to last an eternity.

They pulled back simultaneously and just stared at each other for a while.

"Shall we?" said Olivia loosening her hold slightly.

Casey bit her lip.

"Yeah…I guess so," she smiled.

They talked casually as they made their way downstairs and across the street to the diner in which they had had their first unofficial date. It was as familiar to them as their own kitchen and they were recognizable patrons.

"Hey you two!" said one of the energetic waiters that often served them.

"No partying and drinking tonight?" he asked as he brought them over two cups filled with steaming coffee.

They were regulars, but they were not often here on Friday nights. He knew they had a kind of standing date with co-workers on that night, but he was not surprised to see them on this particular night. Tonight, he knew was a special night.

"Not tonight Tommy," said Olivia quickly.

"So what'll it be ladies?" he asked poised to take their order.

Casey was carefully perusing the menu.

"Give us a few minutes," she said, not sure of what she was in the mood for. Olivia just nodded, her eyes glued to the menu. Tommy smirked in her direction and walked away with a promise to return shortly.

Forty five minutes later they had been thoroughly watered and fed and sat sipping coffee, regular of course. Casey finished the last of her lukewarm coffee and began searching for Tommy. He was usually a great waiter and left the check for them as soon as he served them their last cup, but he had vanished 15 minutes ago and they still didn't have the check.

"Where do you suppose Tommy's disappeared to?" asked Casey.

"Not a clue," said Olivia staring at the back door of the restaurant.

Olivia's leg was twitching under the table, but she seemed unaware of it. There were about a million little pieces of what had once been a napkin on her side of the table and her coffee cup was still full.

Casey had been keeping up a steady stream of conversation throughout the meal. She knew something was going on with her girlfriend, but with Olivia, you had to be patient and wait for her to tell you whatever was on her mind. She would never just come out and say it and she didn't respond that well to direct questions about what was bothering her. You had to just let her come to you. Casey had chattered endlessly about work, softball and anything else she could think of while she waited for Olivia to tell her what was wrong.

"Was the coffee not good?" asked Casey pointing at the full cup of coffee long gone cold in front of Olivia.

Suddenly Olivia stopped slouching in the booth and sat straight up. Her hands were shaking and her eyes went wide.

Casey turned around to see what had caused her partner's reaction.

Tommy was walking in from the back, dressed in a tuxedo pushing a small dessert cart through the dingy diner. It was draped in an elegant white tablecloth and held two glasses, a bottle of champagne chilling in a sterling silver bucket of ice, and a covered silver platter.

Casey was busy trying to figure out what was going on and barely registered the fact that Tommy was headed straight for their table. When he pulled up and stopped, beaming at them she was so confused that she just gawked at him and didn't say anything.

"Ladies," he nodded to both of them.

"May I serve you?" he asked picking up the champagne bottle.

Casey could only nod. She looked at Olivia who had turned pale, but didn't look surprised. Tommy finished pouring the champagne placing a glass first in front of Casey and then Olivia before stepping back. Olivia took a deep breath and then stood. She looked at Casey and gently took her hand.

"Casey," she said softly. "I have something I need to ask you."

Casey was glad she hadn't taken a sip of the champagne yet, or she would have spit it out. She had never in her wildest dreams imagined this.

Olivia gently pushed the cart away and bent down on one knee, still holding Casey's hand. Casey thought she should probably say something, but she was dumbstruck.

"Casey, I have loved you for a very long time and I will love you for the rest of my life. I know our relationship hasn't been perfect. I've made some pretty big mistakes, but I can't imagine my life without you. I don't really want to try. From the first time you said yes to my dinner invitation, I knew that this was right. You and me, we're right. There've been times when I've forgotten that but I have never stopped loving you and I promise you that I will never forget again that this – you and me – we belong together. It took me losing you to make me realize that and I will always regret what I put you through. Thank you for giving me – for giving us – a second chance…I'm not really good at these things," she said nervously reaching into her pocket and extracting a simple little black box. She flipped it open to reveal a beautiful ring. It was white gold, with a heart shaped diamond in the center. Olivia extended the arm holding the ring to Casey.

"Casey Novak, I'm asking you this in the place where we began our life together, here in front of all these…strangers…will you marry me?"

Casey's hand had gone to her mouth. Tears were streaming down her face. The room was silent, everyone waiting expectantly.

"Yes!" she screamed as she flung herself at her lover, her arms around Olivia's neck, almost bowling her over. The restaurant broke out in spontaneous applause as Olivia, with Casey still attached to her neck attempted to stand.

"I have one more thing," she said as she reached for the arms wrapped around her neck. Casey reluctantly released her, tears glistening in the soft glow of the low-lit lamps of the restaurant.

"I was hoping you'd say yes," exclaimed Olivia as she turned to the dessert table Tommy had wheeled out.

"Because… if you said no, I might not give this back to you, but since you said yes, I wanted to return it to its rightful place…in our home."

She lifted the cover off the silver platter and set it to the side. There in the center of an elegant looking dish was a framed photograph of the two of them, lying in a hammock entangled in each other's arms.

Casey's tears still flowing, she quickly engulfed Olivia in a full body hug. The restaurant patrons clapped and cheered again, although some were perplexed that a mere photograph should elicit such a weepy response. Casey embarrassed and happy just buried her face in Olivia's neck laughing.

Later in Casey's apartment they sat sipping champagne, their bodies bathing in moonlight and the low light emanating from a small lamp in the corner. They were sitting on the couch, Olivia's arm wrapped around Casey, her left hand holding a glass filled with the remainder of the champagne. Casey was snuggled close, her head on Olivia's shoulder. Soft music was playing in the background.

The picture frame was perched on the coffee table and they were both staring at it. Casey thought back to the time when Kate had taken it and remembered once again, how absolutely and totally in love she had felt. She felt like that now too except…if at all possible, she felt even more deeply in love.

Gone were the days when she worried about the woman that came before her. She felt safe and secure and completely loved by Olivia. She hadn't thought it possible that they could get back here.

She remembered also the anger she had felt when she discovered the picture gone from her apartment. Funny, she had never thought to ask Olivia for it before.

"You know I lost a perfectly good phone because of that picture," she said from her comfy warm spot.

"You did?" questioned Olivia.

"Yeah"

She lifted her head from Olivia's shoulder and straightened a bit, deciding to rest it against Olivia's now outstretched arm instead. She took a sip of the champagne from the glass Olivia was holding.

"What do you mean?" asked Olivia when it seemed that Casey was not going to elaborate.

"It's kind of embarrassing," said Casey. "I knew it was missing as soon as I walked in after…you know."

Olivia nodded, not wanting to remember that awful period in her life, but knowing she could also not act like it had never happened.

"I knew you had taken it, so I picked up the phone to call you and then I just got so mad, I threw the phone against the wall. Scared the hell out of Jordan, I think."

"I'm sorry," said Olivia wishing for the umpteenth time that she could take it all back.

"We're past that now," said Casey seriously. She smiled and because she just couldn't help it she reached over and kissed Olivia not knowing whether the sweet taste of champagne had originated with her or Olivia and not really caring.

Casey pulled back, leaving sweet small kisses on Olivia's lips as she did. She knew she should just drop it, but there was something she was dying to know.

"Why did you take it?" she asked softly.

Olivia looked at her and smiled.

"At the time, I couldn't have told you why. I couldn't explain to myself why I took it. When I saw it in your apartment that day, it just…I just…I just needed to have it. I needed to have a reminder of us…a reminder that I was incredibly happy once. I used to sit and stare at it for hours. God, I was an idiot. I should have known."

She tilted her head back and closed her eyes. Casey set down the glass and stroked Olivia's cheek, forcing her eyes open.

"I should have known," Olivia said again as she smiled and continued, "I should have known then because it um…it made me feel better to just look at it."

"I know what that's like," said Casey. "I did that too," she paused. "Thank you for giving it back."

"It was time," answered Olivia. "It's time for a lot of things," she said her eyes tracking to the ring on Casey's right hand.

She turned to face Casey, wrapping Casey's hands in hers and brushing her finger on her new piece of jewelry.

"I've been carrying this ring around for a while, you know."

Casey smiled at that. "How long?" she asked playfully.

"Oh…about 76 days, 2 hours and…" she looked at her watch, "17 minutes."

Casey laughed at that not resisting the temptation to lean in and kiss her again.

"So…" began Olivia once again. "Since we are now officially engaged I think it's safe to tell you that I've given up my apartment."

"What?" said Casey genuinely surprised.

"Yeah, now before you yell at me for not talking to you about it first, let me explain, okay?"

Casey nodded, unsure as to why Olivia thought she was going to yell at her. She hated that apartment; had ever since…well she just hated it.

"I know you hated it after…you know. I haven't been spending any time there. I mean I don't even think I have clothes, books or CDs there anymore," she paused. "Come to think of it, what do I keep there?" she asked thoughtfully.

"Anyway," she continued, "I know we've never talked about living together and I don't know how you feel about shacking up before marriage…" she smiled, "but I couldn't realistically renew that lease, even if I hadn't already planned on asking you to marry me. I don't care where we live Casey. Anywhere you are is my home. And that place ceased being any kind of home the moment you walked out of it with that ridiculous blue bag – which by the way belongs to me."

She paused, waiting for a reaction.

Casey was smiling. Olivia wanted to marry her. Olivia wanted to make a home with her. Life was perfect.

"You want your blue bag back?" asked Casey not able to hold back the laughter.

Olivia rolled her eyes. "I guess it's our bag now."

Casey squeezed the hands that were wrapped around hers before letting go and reaching up to cup her face. A single tear was making its way down Olivia's face.

Casey let out a slow breath, her eyes never leaving Olivia's.

"Do you have any idea how long it took me to be able to sleep in my bed after…everything?" she said.

Olivia shook her head.

"I wish I could rattle off the exact time to the minute, but I can't. It was only after we had tentatively found our way back to each other that I was able to go back into that bedroom and sleep on that bed."

Olivia couldn't stand it anymore. She reached for Casey and hugged her hard; thanking every god she could think of for giving them another chance.

They cried a little, mourning the time they had lost, lamenting the pain they had both endured. Finally, when the tears subsided Casey crawled into Olivia's lap straddling her. They stared at each and other and smiled.

"What do you think, Detective? Think you can carry me to **our** bed?"

"I think," said Olivia before kissing her again; "with the proper," another kiss, "motivation…" The kisses were becoming more frequent and deeper, "I can," another kiss, "do anything."

Suddenly Casey was lifted from the couch. Held securely in Olivia's arms, she continued kissing her until they entered the bedroom. Olivia let her go and she bounced on the bed. She felt Olivia's body land beside her and they turned so they were facing each other.

"I love you," they said in unison. Their lips met in a scorching kiss and then there were no more words.

THE END


End file.
